Dear Pet Sitter, Please take Good Care of Fudge and Vern when I am Gone!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

We leave for our annual summer vacation soon and Fudge and Vern are not going with us. My sister in law has a beach house, and most of my husband’s family meets there once a year.  To call it a vacation, might be a slight reach, since about 20 people pile into one house, we still cook, do dishes, and laundry, and in the morning when you want to go for a walk, you have to maneuver through the bodies of sleeping nieces and nephews on the living room floor in order to get out the door. One wrong roll at the wrong time and someone could get injured. For some odd reason, my sister in law does not allow any dogs; despite the fact that I think a 90 pound dog and a 50 pound dog added to the hoards of people could only increase the fun.  I can see Vern now stepping directly on top of people, the women lamenting that they didn’t want to have more children anyways, the men cupping body parts and cursing, and the children crying and squealing that Vern is too big. Fudge would probably want someone to throw the ball for her, and in that house with all those people, it could be grounds for a lawsuit.  It is nothing personal against Fudge and Vern; she had the rule in place long before we got them.

Last year, when I had to leave the dogs for three days, I wrote a three page list of instructions for the poor kid watching them. My daughter’s dog was staying with us too at the time, and I asked her what her instructions were for the dog sitter and she said, “He needs to hug him, feed him, give him water, and take him out.”  When I showed her my list and she saw it began with 1) Vern sleeps with a night light, she said she should probably call for professional help. She added that the only thing holding her back was she just knew I would probably create an ugly scene, while I was being fitted for my special jacket, by  screaming over and over again, “Wait, I need my list, I forgot to add something!” as I was being carted away.

Well, it is that time of year again, and I have been working on this year’s list of instructions for the new pet sitter. I took into account last year’s list and the critique I received from my family and the fact that the pet sitter asked, “Fudge and Vern are dogs, right?” after he read all three pages.  I can’t help it, if I feel like no one understands my dogs the way I do, or that they will need extra TLC when we are gone. I have the feeding and care guidelines on another sheet, but I think I covered all the bases this time for the special instructions that only I know.  I am pretty sure no one can call any of these reasonable requests crazy.  

1)      Vern needs a night light at night or he gets scared of the monsters under the bed and the shadows on the wall.

2)      If Fudge puts her two front paws on the bed, it means she would like to be lifted the rest of the way up. Also, when she stands up on the bed and looks down at the floor, it means she wants you to lift her off of the bed.

3)      When Vern walks over to your side of the bed and stares at you, he either wants you to say, “Vernie, I love you this much,” while holding your arms out real wide, or he needs to go out and go potty.

4)      If you are in the bathroom and they barge in, yell, “Group Hug!” and throw your arms around both of them. They do not care if you are on the toilet or in a state of undress.

5)      Fudge will sit back and wait her turn for all things, so please don’t forget that she is waiting. Vern likes to get up close and personal, but Fudge likes to wait until Vern is out of the way until she eats, drinks, or comes in for a hug.

6)      When you take them out to go to the bathroom, the commands to use are “Go Potty” or “Drop it like it’s hot”.

7)      They are both afraid of hula hoops. Please don’t hula hoop while you are here.

8)      Fudge gets scared when you sneeze, so please don’t sneeze when you are here.

9)      Vern is afraid of lawn chairs. Please stand, if possible.

10)   Please take Fudge’s collar off when she and Vern go out to play. Vern likes to play, “Yank Fudge by the collar” and she does not like that game.

11)   Fudge will not drink out of a dirty water bowl, so whenever Vern drinks first, the water needs to be changed.

12)   They like when you rhyme to them…long story…but it started with a Limerick discussion. Vern, your turn and Fudge, please budge, are some of their favorites.

13)   If you insist on walking them in public without their training collars, please read and sign the attached waiver relinquishing us from all damages, injuries, and lawsuits.

14)   If you take them to the park, they both know sit and stay, but all bets are off if you park near a goose. (We found that out the hard way)

15)   Please keep your cell phone on day and night, in case I think of more “instructions”.

I showed the list to my husband to make sure none of these sounded too kooky and all he said was, “You forgot to tell her to burp them after they eat,” and I just looked at him and said, “That makes no sense.”  I just know I forgot something important…maybe we shouldn’t go…no, they will be ok….she has my cell phone number…why do we have to go on some stupid vacation?

[Carol and Banjo]

Darn it all Laurie......I'd have been the first one to offer my dog sitting services....but no hula-hooping???!!!!! WTD!!!     : )

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Jane, have you ever thought of a career in comedy??

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

This is HILARIOUS!  I am lauging out loud. You are too much Laurie :)

Taquito only stays with my parents at this point and my instructions for him are lengthy and deal with his diet and medication.  Peri's only written instruction is 1) 1/2 cup Fromm 2x daily.  My verbal instructions are:  do not leave them outside in backyard when no one is home NO MATTER WHAT due to coyotes, do not leave Tacky inside with Peri with his collar on because she drags him around, and please let Peri sleep on her bed in your room and tell her "off" if she creeps up to your bed.

That's it but I guess it's my parents and not a sitter. We plan vacations around each other so we can watch each other's dogs :)  If we go somewhere together, we take the dogs.

[Adina P]

My instructions used to be two pages--early on in Rosco's life. 
Now I:

 

1) list the vet's contact info and our contact info on the fridge 

2) leave a note on their dog food container about feeding times/amounts.  The end. 

 

But it helps that we have the same dog sitting friends EVERY SINGLE time and I don't allow anyone to take my dogs on a walk or to parks =)  I do leave a stack of towels, Nature's Miracle, Bottle of carpet cleaner, and Clorox wipes on the counter or table just in case, but otherwise not much else.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Jane, you have fun too - weddings are great!

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Can I plagiarize this list for myself if I HAVE to ever leave Daisy behind (not planning on it but you never know). I may have to tweak it, like item 8 is coughing for Daisy or 11, Daisy will drink out of any old water thing if necessary so please keep her water bowl clean with fresh water.

Have fun Laurie, once you get there you will stop thinking about them every minute, more like every 5.

[Jennifer and Jack]

The only person that I don't leave instructions for is my mom.. I think they sound reasonable to me... Jane I wish I had a pet sitter I trusted so much other then my mom....

 

I would tell my pet sitter to keep her cell phone on at all times too. Have a great time

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Laurie - you are making me feel like a bad doodle momma.  I'm dropping both the boys off at the sitter's tomorrow as dh and I will be out of state for 5 nights.  Rooney loves his sitter and this will be the first time with Stuart.  I of course pack their food, toys, treats, etc. but my only instuctions -

1.  If Stuart gets to annoying to Rooney - seperate them and give them some personal space.

2.  Call me if you have a need to visit the vet.

You crack me up girl!!!!