Do You Know Someone Who Needs to Be Microchipped or Outfitted with a GPS Tracking Device?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

It happened again last weekend.  I lost my husband in Target.  We walked in together and proceeded to the back of the store to the books and magazine section.  I always like to swing back to that department and load my cart with my educational and informative reading for the week.   How else am I going to stay informed about Kim Kardashian’s divorce hell or the 25 stars who ride skateboards if I do not get the latest edition of People or Us Weekly?  At some point, I could find myself in a vicious game of Trivial Pursuit and it could all come down to a Geography question or an Entertainment question.  I may not know where the Swiss Alps are located, but I guarantee you, if the question has anything to do with useless celebrity news I am the girl to have on your team.  Well, tonight I just finished saying to my husband, “Can you believe that Suri Cruise is wearing high heels at her age?” and think I heard him say, “ Who cares?” and I turned around and he had vanished into thin air.

 

My favorite person in the whole world to shop with is my youngest daughter.  We walk into the store together, tell each other when to meet back at the cash register, and we each go on our merry way.  My husband, on the other hand, has two shopping styles.  Either, he is walking so closely to you that you feel like your shadow has come to life or he mumbles something and disappears. 

I know good communication is one of the secrets to a great marriage, so sometimes when he is in his shadow mode, I will say, “what’s it going to take to make you go away?”  Other times, I will point to a TV on in the electronics section and say, “hey, I think I just saw a boob go by in that music video,” in the hopes that he will rush over to see for himself and be distracted long enough for me to make a clean getaway.   I hate to be rude, but he positions himself constantly between me and what I am trying to look at down each aisle and I have remarked, on more than one occasion, that I didn’t know we were supposed to have a total eclipse that day and can he think of any other explanation that a large moon keeps getting directly in my path and all he said was, “maybe the moon is tired of you buying everything under the sun.” 

 

When my kids were little, it was my oldest daughter that plucked my nerves when we shopped.  Usually, we would just enter the store and she would announce that she was hungry or she would wait to let me know that she had to go potty until we were at the furthest point in the store away from the bathroom.  I was not above tossing a box of Animal Crackers in her direction or saying,  “What do you mean, you can’t hold it?  I am not leaving this area until I find a World’s Best Mom t-shirt in my size on this clearance rack.”   Once at TJ Maxx, when I was having what can only be classified as a shopping orgasm because I just scored the deal of a lifetime, I turned around in my euphoric state only to see my daughter had disappeared. 

I guess while I was screaming, “It’s mine, all mine!” she thought it would be fun to hide in the middle of a circular clothing rack and not come out even when her mom was shouting her name and sobbing, “nobody better steal my cart with my goodies while I am looking for my kid!”  After what seemed a lifetime, she popped out from her hiding place only to see that her mother was no longer in her “happy place” and her young life was now in serious peril.

Now, I can’t swear my husband is hiding in the circular clothing racks, but he is as good at disappearing in a store as my daughter was that long ago day.  He disappears so thoroughly that I really believe he has had some kind of SWAT training in a former life and is practicing his zigzagging skills throughout the store or has secretly outfitted me with a motion detector device and is monitoring my location at all times to avoid being found.   Once in awhile, I will catch a glimpse of him and call out his name only to see him duck into another aisle   Later, when I ask him if he heard me calling his name, he always pretends ignorance, but I know in my heart a person doesn’t whirl his head around willy-nilly and yell, “get out of my way, she’s closing in on me,” just on a whim.  

Don’t get me wrong; we have fun shopping together sometimes. Once, I ran into him in the snack aisle and I said, “Hey mister, are you looking for nuts?” and he said back, “My wife has them, “ and just kept walking.  I mean, that kind of hijinks can go a long way in adding some fun to a marriage.  Another time, I saw him covering his face with a magazine and I snuck up on him and waited for him to lower it and said, “boo, I see you!” and his face turned really white and he put the magazine back over his face and said, “how about now?’   When I lost him in Target this last time, things got a little heated up at the checkouts when we finally hooked up and both of us said some things we probably regretted later.  I told him I had been all around the store twice looking for him and I even stopped and asked an employee where the dumbbell aisle was located, but after the worker asked me what kind of dumbbell I was looking for and I said, “the one I married,” he just laughed and didn’t offer any further assistance.  I then went on to say that he is either going to have to wear a bell in the store or let me microchip him with a tracking device and this started another discussion as to where the microchip might need to be inserted.  All he said when I settled on the perfect location was, “go ahead, but I don’t hold out much hope of it lasting there.”

Part of the blame falls on my shoulders, because I am always in a hurry and I almost always forget my cell phone, which could solve a lot of problems.  I am a quick shopper and when I am done, I’m done, and I want to leave. I don’t want to spend an extra thirty minutes searching for someone and I certainly don’t want to stand outside the men’s bathroom and ask some poor guy coming out of it, if there is a guy in there reading the newspaper and would he mind going back in there and telling him to hurry up.  I also have thought about asking the store manager if he has noticed other wives having this same problem and maybe he needs to come up with a lock down system when a husband goes missing.  They could call it Code Where the Hell Did He Go Now? and immediately start making announcements over the PA system, “Attention All Shoppers: We have another lost husband.  He is wearing a green shirt, blue jeans, and probably eating a bag of popcorn. If you see a path of popcorn kernels, please alert management.  Do not approach him. He is a flight risk.”  If the other lost husbands are like my husband, they won’t even hear the announcement, because of a condition known as selective hearing, which often goes hand in hand with male chromosomes.

 

Well, I didn’t want to dwell on this and was determined to put the past behind us, so right up there at the checkout lines, I told my husband someone on DK had a great suggestion recently. They said to hold hands if you start to argue, because it is harder to fight when you are connected.  He was reluctant at first, but I reached for his hands and held them tightly and finally said, “Gosh, I am feeling better now.”  All he said was, “I’m not.  I can’t feel my fingers. Please let go or I am leaving!” 

I just held on tighter, because I was not going to risk losing him again. All I know is Fudge and Vern are not the only ones who need work on their recall.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, LOL....I do have an extra prong collar and leash :) I just need someone to hold him down while I get it on him. Once, my DH lost our DD at the mall and I remember the panic I felt...OMD...I did all but stand there and scream her name.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The moon and sun line was my favorite, too, lol!

As a toddler, my GS actually did hide in a cicular clothing rack once (at Sears, no less) and I never want to experience that kind of panic ever again. I suddenly understood why some parents put those things that look like combination telephone cords/dog leashes on their kids when they're out in public.

Hey, Laurie, maybe you should get one of those for your DH!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Gail and Jane, I am at that age where I swear I have my car keys, cell phone, and glasses, but half the time I do not and it happens all the time while we are shopping. I reach for my phone and it is not there. Somehow, I still blame it on him....LOL!!!  Thank you!!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Laurie, this really does sound familiar.  Love this blog!  The invention of the cellphone has enabled DH and I to once again shop together without any major "disagreements".  He goes his way and I go mine....we call each other when we're finished and pick a meeting spot.  It's perfect.

[Gail and Bailey]

Lauri, I get such a kick out of your blog!  I make my husband take his cell phone with him when we shop.....now if I could just get him to make sure it is turned on. :>/

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lori, Thank you! That little Suri keeps very busy....LOL!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, On top of all that I have posted, I watched Person with Interest and The Mentalist. I am a multi-tasker.  Of course, your DB is clever.....certainly you know that by now. Yes, Suri has been wearing heels.

[Lori, Rooney & Zuzu]

You are a hoot.  I'm hooked on your blogs already...

And if you aren't reading Suri's Burn Book, you are missing out...

http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/

[F, Calla & Luca]

Busy night : ) My favorite was “maybe the moon is tired of you buying everything under the sun.” DB is so clever or do you put words in his mouth? Faye Dunaway never looked better. and lastly, is Suri Cruise really wearing heels? I am so OOTL (out of the loop). What would we do without you?