Does Vern have an Innie or Outie?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Weird things have been happening around here and it all started when I dropped my phone.  About a month ago I was at my mom’s and for some stupid reason I threw my phone from the chair I was sitting on to her bed.  I forget my phone a lot, so I was trying to make sure I put it next to my purse and apparently, I was too lazy to walk the 5 feet to make that happen.  My mom and I both watched as my throw fell short and my phone slid off her bed and onto the floor.  That throw cost me $230 for a replacement phone and for some company named Genius to try and retrieve the data from the old phone.  Keep in mind that was the cost WITH the phone insurance I purchased when I got the phone, which I have now figured out is just another name for Rip Off.  Everything was fine until I dropped my phone again at the airport.  This time I had placed the phone inside Archer’s baseball cap and when I went to get his hat, the phone slid out again and landed on the parking lot floor and broke.  Back to the store where I ended up just buying a new phone and when all was said and done, Archer left with a new children’s tablet.   What can I say? The power of persuasion gets me every time and is the reason flipping channels late at night is not a good idea for me.  I have succumbed several times to those home shopping channels, only to have the item show up at our house and make me wonder what was I thinking.

 

Things are different on the second phone and that means I don’t really know what I am doing.  So far, I posted a GIF to a group I am in on Facebook.  We were talking about dog rescue and all of a sudden the family from Black-ish showed up waving.  I was as confused as everyone in the group and more so, when someone asked me why I had posted it.  I didn’t even know what a GIF was or how to post one, so it will forever remain a mystery.  Yesterday, I posted a bunch of emoticons and butt dialed a friend in Canada.  I had no idea my butt was so talented, because the only thing it has been good for up until this point is forcing me to buy bigger pants. 

 

What does all this have to do with Vern having an innie or outie?  Well, not much, other than to emphasize that odd things have been happening to me and I can blame some of the things on a new phone which appears smarter than the user. In other words, the crazy things happening can be explained, and I hope you keep that in mind when I tell you about Vern.  Fudge and Vern went to the groomer’s yesterday.  They were in bad shape and although I placed the blame on me being gone for ten days and them being under the care of their dad, if I am honest, that had nothing to do with it.  Usually, I only think about grooming when they reach the “homeless” stage, but this time they had surpassed even that stage and had moved into the “neglect” stage when I dropped them off.  My instructions were for them to be bathed and given a short, summer cut.  She even asked if that meant leaving only a quarter of an inch all the way around and I countered with leaving one half inch. 

 

My dogs hate going to the groomer’s and I hate it even more, because her salon is located down a long, narrow hall and I have visions of getting trapped in there with my two dogs as other dogs are going out.  Usually, the groomer only has my dogs there at their appointment time, but yesterday some woman, without an appointment, had snuck in right before me and wanted my groomer to get a tick off of her dog.  Nothing makes me angrier than to have an appointment and have to wait for a drop-in and especially when that someone has not treated her dog for fleas and ticks and is now shocked that her dog has FOUR ticks.  By the time the groomer finished with the “I have never had this problem before and where are ticks found?” lady (I almost shouted, “on your dog, idiot!”) my poor dogs were beyond nervous and ready to go.  They always go into the groomers as meek and well mannered dogs and come out like they have had a couple of Red Bulls during their appointment and are now ready to paint the town red.  When I picked them up after their appointment, we headed to the park for a walk and that is when it happened.

 

We were walking along or rather I was being pulled along, since the adrenalin was still pumping, and I looked down and couldn’t see Vern’s penis.  If only I had my camera with me or knew how to take a picture with my new phone, I could have had proof that I am not making this up.  Vern may not be the most well endowed dog, but you can see it and I swear, I couldn’t see it hanging down.  And before you think I spend too much time looking for body parts on my dogs, I don’t, but when something goes missing that is normally there, you notice.    If Vern hadn’t been so happy, I would have thought the groomer took everything down to a quarter inch and that I should have given more specific instructions.  I actually said to Vern, “what happened to your penis?” and when he didn’t respond, I had him lie down and roll over and took a closer look and all I could see was a funny looking nub…almost like it was tucked back inside itself.  I honestly didn’t know what to do and didn’t think shouting, “HELP…I can’t find my dog’s penis!” was a good idea at a local park, so I poked it.  Again, I didn’t want to end up in the newspaper as the woman caught poking a dog’s penis at the park, but I thought maybe a quick poke would shed some light on the subject and cause a “reemergence “ of sorts, or at least assure me that something was there that my eyes could not see.  I draw the line at one “clinical type” poke and when nothing spectacular happened, I encouraged Vern to go potty.   When he finally lifted his leg to pee, it seemed as if things got righted and all was finally well on Vern’s underside. FYI: if you Google “Does stress cause a dog’s penis to shrink or disappear?” don’t be alarmed at what “pops up”.

 

Well, you can only imagine John’s response when I told him what happened.  Normally, the big news in our house when John gets home is whether or not I cooked, but this time I greeted him with the news about Vern’s penis and when I got to the poke part, he said I might want to choose my audience wisely when telling my story.  He also said this is the not the first time I haven’t been able to find a penis and in the past, I never seemed to go the extra mile with a poke.  All I responded back with was that my mother taught me that nothing good ever came from a poked penis and in Vern’s case, I felt it was a medical procedure that had to be done. He was glad I had not called him at work in a panic and forced him to try and calm me with co-workers listening.  I knew exactly what he meant because once, Hayley and Megan got into a fight about sharing string cheese and Hayley put it down her pants and Megan called me at work to tattle.  It wasn’t easy trying to whisper forcefully to Hayley to take the cheese out of her pants without drawing my co-worker’s attention that my kids put food down their pants as a kind of “I am on base and safe,” technique.

 

I know what happened yesterday after the groomer.  I am not nuts and I saw it with my own two eyes. It had nothing to do with George Constanza’s pool and shrinkage theory and I believe everything to do with stress. 

It really did scare me and proved how far I was willing to go to help one of my dogs.  I will also say I was thankful that I always carry antibacterial soap in my car and I used plenty of it when I got back there.  Vern seems fine today. I, however, have lost my cell phone again and accidentally dialed Megan’s number twice to see if I could find my phone when it rang.  Needless to say all I got was Megan calling me from work to ask why I kept calling her.  I didn’t dare tell her about Vern and his penis for fear she would call her dad and I might end up in a “special place” wearing a very tight jacket. 

[Becka]

Out of the many, many things in this blog that might cause me to question your sanity, Laurie, the one that seems most pressing is why would you put your phone in Archer's baseball cap?

[Joani, Skadi & Elli]

Loved it!  So incredibly funny...and talented.  After destroying several of my cell phones, I caved and bought a Kyocera Brigadier cell phone ... basically indestructible!  I grew up in the 50's when it was always a treat to hear the phone ring and then be able to pick the receiver up carefully and listen to what your neighbors were up to!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Janie, I appreciate it :) Glad you enjoyed this blog.

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

This has got to be the best one yet! And how many times have I said that before! Seriously, I laughed out loud.. Thank you Laurie!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, Just once...listen to my advice :) LOL John told me right away not to tell F about the poke part because you might advise that I need professional help. 

Karen, I had the old flip phone for awhile and was quite happy, but then it died. When I took it in to my cellphone company to upgrade, I actually made a young guy laugh when I asked him if he was jealous of my phone. I just spent 10 days at Megan's trying to fold strollers, make a Smart TV work, use a car seat, and a baby monitor. I sounded like my mom complaining about all the new stuff in the world :) LOL It is a miracle that your dad managed without a cell phone. I really am so glad I grew up when I did. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, I know, right? LOL Thank you for the laugh :)

Sheri, Love the refrigerator idea. I used to leave my purse in my car at my old house and that helped, but this neighborhood is much busier and I don't do it here. I am in the refrigerator a lot...LOL :)

Karen, Thank you! Love the Seinfeld quotes! I did master my daughter's SmartTV, which was a miracle. 

Nancy, Glad you enjoyed this blog. Tell Skip I was "ticked" off. LOL I will share the video with Vern. I am glad Skip is thinking of me and has my back :) I had an OtterBox on my phone before all the trouble started. I hated it. The thing trapped dirt under the plastic cover and I could not get it off my phone by myself. So, I solved the problem by taking it off and losing it somewhere in the house. Two phones later I decided that was a mistake and now have a case on my newest phone. I tried tempered glass on the second phone and it did not help one bit. I am hoping to upgrade in August to an iPhone and I will always have a case from now on. BTW: lime green would be my top choice of colors, unless they had orange :)

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

OMD....who knew the penis could disappear like that...and then reemerge when poked.  I had no idea.  And who knew you had such a talented butt...my butt has yet to dial anyone...what good is it.  Great blog, Laurie!

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

I'm thinking that now the "Granny Pad" has been invented, possibly they need to start working on the "Granny Phone" ... lol!     FYI, my Granny always kept her purse in the refrigerator because she knew she was in there several times a day and she would always be able to find it ... just sayin!

[Karen & Maple]

Too funny! Thanks for the early morning laugh. "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things"- Elaine Benes. BTW don't give up on your smartphone, you don't give yourself enough techy credit.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I read this to Skip and he wondered if you were 'ticked' off with that lady who snuck into the groomer's ahead of you. He also wanted to share this song with Vern: Detachable Penis by King Missile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIUk08iYZKE