For All of You Who Asked about My Mom During her Hospital Stay.....Another Mom Blog!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As many of you know, my mom is going to see Neil Diamond in July.  Because there is going to be a great deal of walking and my mom refuses to use a walker, she had started exercising at the beginning of January.  She always says she doesn’t want to use a walker due to her pride, but we have, on more than one occasion, tried to remind her what they say about “pride goeth before the fall.”  The funny thing is she will not use a walker, but insists on having a shopping cart when we go into any store and pushing around a Kohl’s shopping cart in Macys doesn’t seem to bother her pride one bit.  She got off to a good start with her exercise program and was feeling great and quite "gung-ho" about the results. Now, when I say “gung-ho,” keep in mind at her last time trial she was walking a little less than ½ mile in about 30 minutes. Even the maintenance man where she walks teases her and said he was going to start posting signs so people stayed out of her way.  I can see the sign now…Speedy Gonzales Walking….or maybe Speedy Grandma Walking…or maybe just Grandma Walking, so he doesn’t set the bar too high.  Along with the walking, my mom bowls on the Wii almost every day.

 

Things seemed to be going well until a couple of weeks ago and she noticed her legs were feeling funny and she was gaining weight. Again, she thought maybe it was because of all of the exercise, but told her doctor about it during her routine appointment. Well, that appointment was Wednesday and the doctor told her she needed to go to the hospital due to the above conditions.  Hearing the word, “hospital” apparently did not alarm my mother, because after she left the doctor’s office her first stop was the Arby’s drive thru window, where she was super excited she was able to get a sandwich for one dollar. Later, after being admitted to the hospital, she was mad that she had not stopped somewhere for a good dinner.  Because I do not want to find myself in another argument with my mom, she and my sister differ on the admittance process at the hospital.  By the time my sister got to the hospital, our mom had been sitting in the waiting room about thirty minutes and was furious that the entire hospital staff did not tell all the other people there ahead of her, that she had arrived and they needed to sit down and wait for her to be processed.

 

She was already worked up when the admittance clerk had the audacity to ask her for her insurance information, and we hear the poor clerk now has a significant hearing problem brought on by a cantankerous old woman screaming, “Why is this taking so long? My doctor called ahead.” Most people who have high blood pressure and are on their way to the Heart Failure Unit might realize their best course of action would be to practice some calming techniques, but our mother decided that she preferred to let everyone know within hearing distance that she was “this close” to rising up out of her wheelchair and heading home.  After all, she had a hair and manicure appointment that week and what in the world did they expect her to do about finding a sub for Bridge club?  I think it was shortly after she yelled, “ANYONE,” when the clerk asked her who was allowed access to her medical records, that the clerk probably thought about calling mom’s doctor to verify that his admittance orders did indeed say Heart Unit and not the Psych ward. Later, when she was wondering why they put the IV in her dominant right arm instead of her left, we all told her maybe it was the nurse’s way of saying, “the squeaky wheel really gets on our nerves.” 

 

Once she got to her room and a nurse told her she could not believe she was 85 and that she didn’t look a day over 72, my mom turned into a model patient.  Obviously, they are well trained in how to deal with a woman whose only concern upon entering the hospital, was that she might have to cancel her hair appointment.  The only other crisis we had the first night was my mom called me in a panic because she could not find American Idol on the television and without a TV guide or a book, things looked pretty bleak to her.  I had to laugh because I know my mom well enough to know she probably informed the staff that she would be unavailable to them for vitals signs while American Idol was on and then in a frantic state flipped through the channels, didn’t find it, and probably set off every alarm in her room.   The other funny thing was she first called my sister and that sister was upset that she kept getting calls during American Idol.  It seems to me that their priorities are slightly mixed up, but then again, she didn’t call me during The Mentalist, so I shouldn’t judge.

 

By the time she had worked herself down her list of “people to call when she is upset about dumb stuff while in the Heart Failure Unit,” and got to me, I was concerned we were in a touch-and-go situation if she didn’t find that Fox channel.  Luckily, the staff was wonderful and someone found the channel for her and for the rest of her stay, on her board in her room, one of the nurses had written the channel for American Idol.  No one erased it, so we are pretty sure someone noted it in her chart.  I called her the next morning to make sure everything was better and I could tell immediately when a nurse was in her room.  Initially, I thought I might have gotten in touch with Eeyore, because she was not thrilled to be there and then all of a sudden, she would perk right up and say in a sing-songy voice, “Oh, the staff is just wonderful. Everyone is so nice and my nurse’s name is Kevin,” and then she would whisper, “the nurse is in the room.”  I thought about saying I was worried that the operator had accidentally connected me to Sybil’s room by mistake and one of her other personalities had just emerged, but I kept my mouth shut.

 

Once this kink was ironed out, my mom was a great patient and the staff loved her.  When my sister and I arrived home, she told us several times that she didn’t like bothering the nurses for anything, but seemed fine with asking us to find her pen, her purse, her TV guide, or her menu.  I was prepared to tell her we drew the line at sponge baths and foot rubs, but luckily she never asked.  One night, she called me back to her room to find her TV remote, which I was able to track back via the cord right to her lap, and she said, “uh oh, another blog.”  I told this to F Parker and she said she thinks my mom has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome and is creating these situations so she gets featured in a blog.  She kept the staff further amused, by announcing she does not have enough time left to learn something new like a Kindle and that as far as she is concerned, exercise is not all that it is cracked up to be. She and I were watching Miss Congeniality when the janitor came in, plopped down in her chair, and said he was on his break. He then proceeded to tell us he used to be a German teacher, a large portion of his life story, and that he had poor circulation in his feet.  Knowing how she likes her shows, I was very proud of her that she remained on her best behavior and did not blurt out,  “Please take your bad feet and shuffle on out of here. I am in the middle of watching something.”

 

She introduced me to everyone as the daughter who writes funny blogs for a dog website, making me sound a little strange, and insisted they call her doctor, who had told her to have him paged when I arrived, because he wanted to meet the author of the Viagra blog that she had forwarded to him.  The pride she kept talking about seemed to be forgotten as she told person after person she was on Revatio/Viagra.  She may have forgotten to tell one visitor in the next room, but for the most part she got the word out.  When the doctor came in and told her she had to stick to a low fat, low salt diet, she informed him that she was already making plans to talk to the chef where she lives.  We knew from years of living with the woman, the chef was about to cross paths with Hurricane Virginia and I informed her doctor to look for the cook to be one of his next patients as soon as our mom got done with him.  She told the doctor she is determined to stay out of the hospital, especially in July when she goes to see Neil Diamond, and she will listen to everything he says, but seemed to think she was being tested by the kitchen when they told her she could not have extra dill pickles. For the record, the doctor also told her the amount of exercise she was doing was fine.

 

All kidding aside, my mom underwent a new treatment to remove the excess fluid from her body that had caused her to have shortness of breath, a 15 pound weight gain, and swollen legs.  The machine is almost like dialysis and filters the salt and fluid from her blood and all in all, they removed 9-1/2 bags of fluid from her and the fifteen pounds, and before you ask, they would not hook any of us up to lose weight, and almost all of us asked.  When my mom said, “that is a lot of bags,” we all started to laugh and I started to say, “that gives a whole new meaning to old bag,” but she stopped me and said she already knew what I was thinking and we laughed harder.  Mom is thrilled that her legs have never looked this good and tried to show them to everyone that came into the room.  We don’t know if there was a correlation between the janitor’s visit and all the leg action, but we had our suspicions.  She will have to go back periodically to get another treatment, but the doctor was very understanding of her wanting to remain independent and live her life to the fullest. Meanwhile, she is home and already lamenting the fact that this new diet is like a full time job and I asked her what happened to the spunky little gal in the hospital who was going to follow all the orders to the letter and she said, “who was that?” but then said she intends to follow all orders, but I got the feeling she was not going to suffer in silence.   Meanwhile, when we left the hospital, we made a point of thanking the entire staff and they told us our mother was a joy.  Once we confirmed we were indeed talking about the same patient, we told them we are willing to loan her out for the holidays and she can bring the fluids.  No takers yet, but they have her number. Luckily, we are all back home where we belong and she is feeling great!!

 

P.S. My mom was truly touched when she got several cards today in the mail from DK members. She read them to me over the phone and was very excited.  She wanted me to be sure and thank everyone who sent her a card.   I would like to thank everyone who asked me how my mother was doing and took the time to send her a card or write her a poem.  It meant a great deal to my family, my mom, and me.

 

P.S.S.  She read the Neil Diamond Debacle blog while in the hospital and said once again, “Until my dying day, I will not believe your daughter and husband went to the concert.” However, not to make a sick woman feel worse, my niece also said she went to see Neil with my mom and she remembered a laser light show and a circular stage.  We just all reached the same conclusion, that my mom really saw no one but Neil, once she entered that arena and to those of you who are saying, "she was in the hospital, show a little mercy, I would like to point out that the plaintiff brought the subject up."

 

[Becka]

That is a lot of bags! I am so glad that your mom is feeling better, Laurie. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Amy, LOL....I will have to run those ideas by her :)

[Amy, Cubbie & Ollie]

Glad to hear that your mom is doing well.  Maybe you can take her shopping for a "sexy" mini skirt to wear for the concert this summer so she can show off those legs...or maybe you can see if the janitor would be interested in taking her to the concert.  :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Lisa. Where have you been and what could be more important than DK? LOL Actually, it was in the comments in the Neil Diamond Debacle blog.

Jane, Thank you! There seems to be a lot of blog material where my mom is concerned :)

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Well this goes to show you I have NOT been a DK devotee for quite some time as I missed all of the discussions about your Mom and her not being well.

I am so relieved that all is well and your Mom (and you) are as spunky as ever.

Wishing your Mom continued health. Laurie you and your family are blessed to have this wonderful woman in your lives, never a dull moment for sure.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I'm so happy that Mom is home and doing better...and with a great pair of legs!  Laurie, you are such a wonderful daughter, and it's so nice that you are sharing Mom with all of us.  I feel like I know her.  Keep the stories coming....

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Janie, We all asked ourselves the same thing :) Thank you!

Nicky, My mom has played Bridge for as long as I can remember. She now plays about 3 times a week, so it must be addictive :) My sisters and I were just talking about Bridge and how it seems like no one plays it anymore. Thank you!!

Nancy, Thank you! She got one of your cards yesterday and was so excited. She said Clancy looks just like Vern.

Doris, You were probably sipping coffee somewhere and letting the world pass you by...LOL! Thank you!

Jennifer and Karen, Thanks!!

Leslie, The doctor is hoping she can go 4 months until the next treatment. She has already told him she is unavailable for treatment in July. Neil does not stand a chance.

Bonnie, I am glad you had a good laugh :) Thank you!! She loved your card!

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

So glad your Mom is home and doing well! She is too funny! Who goes to Arby's before going to the hospital! lol I hope she continues to be well!

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Terrific blog and good to know that your Mom is now home and managing the new diet (minus the dill pickles) I hope she is well and fully fit for that Neil Diamond concert.  I look forward to the next episode which will hopefully take place at home and not within the confines of a hospital ward.  I'm about to take up bridge so can you ask her from me whether it's addictive like Doodles?

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Hooray! I am so glad that Mom is doing so well and home.  I just love her spunk and I love your blogs.  They put such fun into boring, scary, ordinary occurrences.