Fudge and Vern, The Mighty Squirrel Hunters!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Yesterday, I had one of those moments in life when something smacks you square in the face and you have to pull your head out of the dirt and face reality.  I could no longer pretend that my sweet, innocent Doodles wouldn’t hurt a fly and admit to myself that despite the fact that they are domesticated in so many ways, they still have strong hunting instincts that cannot be denied.  It was the same kind of aha moment I had when I saw my sweet, innocent daughter exit a movie theater with her date holding hands and stopping to kiss on the sidewalk.  It took all my will power not to honk the horn and yell, “Irina Slutskya, get in this car NOW.  We are going to Target to see if they carry chastity belts.” In actuality, I probably am exaggerating just a bit, but I do remember I turned to my passenger and said, “look away and let’s hope it stays PG rated!”

 

We have all heard the story about the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood, but I never thought Fudge and Vern, despite being descendants of the grey wolf, would have been involved in the unseemliness of stalking the poor girl and harassing her dear grandmother. 

Based on my evidence accumulated last night, I now think Fudge would have done everything she could have to divert Red from her route and Vern would have tried to taste an arm or leg and then after having it in his mouth for a minute or two, spit it out with a look of confusion on his face.  I surely know this is what happened to one poor squirrel who met two Doodle Nuts in our yard last night.

Meet the Doodle Nuts!

It was partly my fault, because I knew they were fixated on something out near a large birdhouse we have.  I bought the birdhouse years ago in the hopes that someone I was married to could mount it onto a large pole and put it out near our fish pond.  I must have been younger and more foolish to dream of an area where birdhouses of all sizes and shapes could come together in a decorative fashion to make a statement in our yard that birds were welcome and we had style to boot.  After waiting for years to no avail and looking out to see my poor birdhouse resting on a bench with little hope of ever being mounted on a pole, I gave up, and moved the thing to an area above our stone wall.  The years have not been kind to my wooden birdhouse and the dogs were determined to finish it off yesterday when they sensed something was living inside. As they worked on dismantling it in a frenzy and my screams of “leave it” fell on deaf ears, I finally was forced to stop looking through my newly received Pottery Barn catalog and roll it up and whack it on our stone wall to show them I meant business.  I thought about whacking each of them on the head, but I didn’t want to hurt my catalog.  After that, it was easy enough to lure them into my van for a much needed walk and I thought we had settled the matter.  Well, I thought wrong, because the moment we arrived home they leapt from the van and resumed their pursuit and returned to the birdhouse.

Vern, Do you hear someone yelling something?

Unfortunately, Mr. Squirrel must have been cracking some nuts open while watching the nightly news because he appeared off his game and the chase was on. 

It was dark by this time, but I could tell by their body language that they had something and in between screaming for them to “drop it or sit or stop or knock it off,” I managed to get John out there to help me.  At that point, I was still unsure what it was, but I could see that Fudge had rounded it up and Vern, Mr. I’m not sure what it is, but let me put it in my mouth, had decided that whatever it was it didn’t taste like sweet potato and immediately dropped it on the ground.  The dogs/perpetrators were corralled, a flashlight was located, and the House Coroner declared it a homicide and the victim was a squirrel.  No chalk outline was needed because the case was cut and dry.  I do have to say though, that one of the reasons our marriage has survived so long is because John can lie with the best of them, especially when he senses a long night of “did our dogs really just kill an animal?” I like that about him, because it allows me to skirt the truth sometimes and tell myself what I want to hear.  However, last night when he turned to me in a pathetically feeble attempt to make me feel better and said, “I think the squirrel had a heart attack,” even I, the star witness to the event, could not fall for that one.  I did appreciate his efforts to deceive me.

 

All of last night was spent with the dogs wanting to go back outside to see if any of Mr. Squirrel’s friends had shown up for the viewing.  It was almost as if Katy Perry’s new hit CD, “I Kissed a Squirrel and I Liked it,” was playing over and over in their heads, because their adrenaline seemed to be pumping all night. 

I yelled more than once, “You are under house arrest!  Go to sleep or the warden will put you in solitary confinement!!”  I have no doubt that today will be spent either relocating the birdhouse or turning friends of the deceased away.  Wish me luck!  It is going to be a long day!

[Leslie and Halas]

New lyrics, by Vern:
Tasted a squirrel, didn't like it.
The taste of his nutty squirrel bits.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Ewwww.....squirrel breath.  I wouldn't kiss them for weeks.

[Pat and Traveler]

Oh, no!  Fudge and Vern are going to be hanging out in that squirrel area for a loooong time!  Funny John--a heart attack....LOL 

So far, Trav hasn't managed to catch any of the squirrels that live around here--and there are LOTS of them!  He's at a disadvantage, as he has to run across the patio and half way across the yard to get to the tree and bushes where they usually hang out.  This gives them plenty of time to run.  He's getting better at stalking though, which worries me!  He does that slow walk across the room, fixated on the enemy, and then charges.  I just know he's going to get one someday!  There was actually a foolish squirrel looking through the glass patio door a couple of days ago!  Fortunately, Trav was napping or I probably wouldn't have a door now.  :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lori, Not that I know of....but they are sneaky :) The neighbors said they had a dead squirrel on their deck, too!

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

My DH told me he found a squirrel carcass on our driveway just yesterday.   Have Fudge and Vern been to Long Island recently?  

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I won't, either, and don't get me started on a "Save the Geese" fund :)

[F, Calla & Luca]

Laurie soon we'll be asked to contribute to the save the squirrel, woodchuck etc. groups. I won't!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, You are welcome to send JD here, but I am not responsible for the bad things he will learn from Fudge and Vern while here. They are quite literally driving me nuts lately :)  How does he feel about destroying stone walls to get to a chipmunk hidden inside?? Fudge and Vern are extremely skilled in that department and it may be a handy thing for JD to know once back home with you. LOL

Sheila, I think you already had a bottle of wine :) LOL

F, Yes, I know Fudge and Vern need NO lessons from Calla and Luca :) Together they may rid the world of all these critters :)

Doris, I expected better of you :)

Joanne, Did you save the birds?? I guess it could always be worse and I was very tentative about tipping over our bird house for that very same reason.

Charlotte, That's what I need....one feral cat or a mighty squirrel to assume the Halloween position and scare the daylights out of my two :) Thankfully, I make John deal with the aftermath :)

DJ, He said the same thing about a rabbit Fudge got and had hanging from her mouth....a heart attack :) LOL I hope Chase leaves those squirrels alone!

Nancy, Yikes...lizards. That would be bad.....very bad :)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Just looked at the posts.  hahahahahahahaha

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Well .....  birds, squirrels, baby possums, but especially lizards are not welcome here.  Perhaps I need a sign?