How to Amuse Yourself In a Small Town! Labradoodles Not Allowed!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

This blog has absolutely nothing to do with doodles, except that I own two, and we do all live in a small town. If you blink when you drive down our main drag, you will miss our one restaurant/bar, wine shop, Fire station, and Bingo hall.  Apparently, we like to drink and play Bingo in our little town from this description. 

 

About once a year, I am not ashamed to say, a group of friends and I meet for Bingo. Mostly, we go around Thanksgiving when my mom and aunt are visiting, but one lucky time my daughters reluctantly went along too. Since we are not regulars, when we walk in, the room always gets quiet and everybody stops and stares at the outsiders.   I made the mistake once of asking a group of ladies if anyone was sitting at the empty table next to them, and almost got my head bit off when they explained that the wooden tulips on the table meant the seats were saved.  I quickly surmised that they do not like witty repartee because right after I said, “Add a couple of windmills, and we could be in Holland,” they went back to talking amongst themselves and I swear I heard the word idiot.

 

Our party always includes my very good friend and her twin. I call them the Doublemint twins, but the Giggle sisters would also suffice.  The last time we went, there was an elderly lady at a nearby table who had a large, gross bandage across most of her forehead and I said to the one twin, “Look, that lady over there probably told the ambulance driver she knew she had a major head wound, but could they just stop off at Bingo before they take her to the ER,” and I thought the twin was going to get us kicked out of the hall for disorderly conduct.

 

So far, I have learned that serious Bingo players do not like laughter, talking, and twins screaming, “I won” on a game called Horse Races when, in fact, the Bingo caller was explaining the rules of the game and it had not even started.  I live in this town and once you get a label like “stupid Bingo lady with stupid friends” it is very hard to shake.

 

Up until recently, I have also had a running debate with my oldest daughter that the Bingo caller is Osama bin Laden. She insists that she worries about me on so many levels, but he was a dead ringer for him and what better place to hide than a small town in PA calling Bingo. I have not been to Bingo since Osama bin Laden was killed, but come Thanksgiving, when we go back to Bingo, I will see if my theory proved correct.

 

The few times my mom has gone with us, she has impressed the townspeople with her patience.  She likes to wait until silence falls over the room and then loudly comment how slowly the Bingo caller is calling and how she calls Bingo at her place and her balls are faster.  Most of the time, I twirl my finger next to my ear and mouth “crazy” to all the locals to try and distance myself from her during her outbreaks and keep on their good sides.

 

My all time favorite Bingo prizes are the door prizes. At intermission, they draw numbers and if you win, you get to select from an odd assortment of prizes.  One time, it was frozen chickens and a ham.  All I did was say, “are the chickens USDA grade and does the ham walk home behind your car?” and my DD went nutso.  She said between me talking about Osama bin Laden, her grandmother going on and on about balls, people telling us to be quiet, and frozen door prizes, this might be the worst night of her life. When I asked her how she thought I felt, since I had paid for everything and couldn’t even win poultry, she asked how far it would be if she walked home. 

 

Last time we went I attracted the attention of a woman who stared at me for quite some time and then asked me if I would be interested in a free wrinkle cream.  When I told her I thought I looked pretty good, since I was 93, she continued to stare at me and then handed me a piece of paper with the website for the cream.  I think it was right after she told me the website will ask for my Social Security number and I should just click through that screen that I decided Bingo could be scary and I had better start choosing my table more carefully.

 

All in all, you can’t get this kind of entertainment in every town, so if you are ever up my way, keep in mind that Wednesday is Bingo night.  Just let me know and I will put a wooden tulip on our table and save you a seat.

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thank you, Camilla, for thinking I have a point...LOL!! We have colleges in PA too :)

Melody, LOL about your mother. Does she has a wooden tulip??

Thanks, Nina!

[Nina, Phil, Harlow & Lacey]

What a funny story.  Thanks once again for making me chuckle.

[Melody & Bruin]

Great story and I do know about the nasty bingo ladies...my mother is one of them!

[Camilla and Darwin]

Laurie, I just might be visiting you soon. Bingo night sounds hysterical and fun. There is NOTHING I like more than random frozen prizes, what could be better? As always, you are hysterical and make me wish that I lived near you. :-) 

 

p.s. I think your Bid Laden theory has merit...

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lucy and Sophie's Mom, They no longer allow smoking up here in Bingo places. Thank goodness!!

Thank you, Angie! The frozen food stuff still makes me laugh.

Sharon, No corn used here, but I can fix you up with a Bingo dabber and show you the ropes :)

Linda and Jane, You made me laugh. Thanks!!

Anna, Thanks!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, Thank you! DK just brings it out in me :)

Bonnie, Thanks for the nice comments !!

Deanna, I have actually called Bingo at the Assisted Living place I volunteer at. Every time I have helpers come, I ask them if they like Bingo and when they say yes, I tell them they won't in an hour :) I think we probably have them same kind of humor...LOL. I even wrote a blog about it and guess what? It was called, "Getting Old Ain't for Sissies." Small world.

[Carol and Banjo]

Laurie....Why is it that you haven't been "discovered"?    I'm thrilled that all of us here on DK get to enjoy your amazingly hysterical posts.....but honey you should be enjoyed by the masses!!!!

[Bonnie and Kona]

OMD! You cannot get this kind of entertainment anyplace but DK and Laurie's house! Laurie you always make me laugh. Thank you!!!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

About the only thing that could beat the small town bingo experience in eccentricity is bingo at my mom's assisted-living facility.  There are two sessions nightly.  The one in the regular activity room is pretty much as you described - the regulars are there in their "assigned" places - I don't think they need tulips as everyone just KNOWS which seats are for whom.  The other session, though, is held in the Courtyard's activity room.  The Courtyard is the facility's "memory care" area.  About 10 residents sit around the table with a caregiver for every two to three residents.  I walk by the game nearly every single night on my way to visit my mom (who refuses to join either bingo session) and although I hear numbers being called, I have never once heard anyone shout "Bingo"!  I started to describe the scene in more detail, but deleted the description in case others might not see the elder humor in the same way I do.  After visiting my mom now for over a year and getting to know some of the residents - I have to laugh.  If I don't laugh, I'd be crying every night!  As my dad used to say, "Getting old is not for sissies!"

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

If you were in Ohio I would swear you were in my Village.  Bingo is big around here.  Every Catholic church, American Legion or Fire House hosts Bingo at some point during the Month and I've been told they are very serious about their Bingo.  My Mother even belongs to a bingo club that has been going with almost the same group of Women since the mid 50's.  Bingo is out for me though as I believe that Bingo games are the only place where one can still smoke indoors!