I Can't Wait Until Winter is Over!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I used to love winter, until this winter.  Now, I can’t wait until it is but a dim memory.  My dogs and I have had cabin fever most of this winter because there is no place to go that isn’t covered in snow or ice and some days we have not been able to get out at all.  I am not always able to get my car out in this weather and walking in our field next door is not cutting it anymore for any of us. 

Yeah, it's pretty, but who cares? I just want to see some green!

The campground where we go can be treacherous to walk because the roads have been known to have that dreaded black ice and the snow covers some of the animal holes in the woods.  I know this because I have found many of those holes by stepping in them and I worry about spraining an ankle or worse, toppling over and being found headfirst in a snowdrift by a passerby.  This week we lost power due to an ice storm and our estimated time for restored power was around five days, which is about four days and 23 hours longer than I can stand.  I have the power company on speed dial and the lack of customer service they provide never ceases to amaze me.  First of all, if you can reach an actual real human being and somehow outwit the automated voice that keeps telling you she can’t understand what you are screaming into the phone, it is a miracle.  Sometimes, once I reach a real person, I end up thinking the automated person wasn’t that bad after all and I always marvel at the end of the “basically, we don’t care if you are happy or satisfied,” conversation that they have the nerve to ask if you are pleased with the service you received today.  One of these days, after I go off the deep end, I am going to answer back, “Yes, I love being screwed by a narcissist.”  

 

We were sound asleep the other night and woke up to the ominous sound of our carbon monoxide monitor beeping.  The last time this happened was during the last terrible ice storm we had when John had been away for the weekend and the power went off.  Both times it has been nothing more than a bad battery, but I like to think it was alerting us to impending doom, because within minutes this time our power went out. It flashed on and off a couple of times to give us the illusion of false hope, but then went off for good.  I am a terrible baby when our power goes off and actually feel panicky because here in the boonies it is never restored quickly and we are not only without power, but water too.  Within minutes, I resort to complaining, bemoaning our fate, cursing the power company, yelling at my family to not use the bathroom for any reason, telling everyone we are moving back to the city, and asking John to call for an ambulance because I feel like I am having a heart attack.  The other night when I said I was feeling sick, he said, “It’s been 10 minutes. You are fine.”  Within an hour I was telling him I loved him and wanted him to remarry after I was gone and I was sorry, but I couldn’t live this way anymore and was going to jump out the window. He reminded me that we lived on the first floor, but added he could go get the big ladder if my mind was made up.  Then he told me in the morning when I mentioned I was going insane, that if I felt the need to make a bad situation worse, I should go back in the bedroom and complain to myself.  I pointed out if I was back in the bedroom, he wouldn’t be able to hear me and he was going to miss out on some good points and he said he was willing to take that chance.  After that, whenever he asked me a question, I would say out loud, “hold on, I need to go back in the bedroom and ask myself if I care what you are saying.”

 

When we stepped outside that morning to look around, we were unprepared to find tree limbs and branches all over the driveway and blocking any possible escape route we might have to get away from each other. 

This made for a long morning of clean up, but we differ on who did what.  John said he asked for help, but I was running around taking photographs and I said I asked him if he needed any help, but he never responded.  Now mind you, I had a parka hood over my ears and I could have still been complaining to myself, like I was told to do earlier that morning, so I might not have heard him say he needed help. 

I did all this work! Trust me! Plus I walked over to the neighbors and told them we had firewood for sale!

I do know that when I said, “you are making a huge mess with that tree you are cutting down,” he said he was sorry and thought it would help if I stood directly under the tree with a garbage bag and tried to catch the wayward branches and limbs as the tree came down.  I told him, at best, I was willing to take a few more pictures and yell, “timber” as the dogs and I watched from the doorway

 

I really think all this combativeness is due to timing.  We had not yet fully recovered from my Doodle Valentine’s Day photo shoot and then this ice storm happened.  I had purchased two fake roses and wanted to get the dogs holding one in their mouths with a cute background.  Now, if you are my oldest daughter this is where you would insert your, “mom, you are getting really weird about your dogs and pictures,” comment. I had my vision in my head and it was going to be easy enough to make it happen if someone could hold the rose, off camera, while I took the shot.  Unfortunately, my assistants did not share in my vision and getting them to hold the rose in the correct position was the equivalent of asking them to solve the Rubik’s cube.

Not right

Not exactly

Still not right

Not exactly the look I was going for

or this......

Fudge thought Hayley was playing a game of tug of war and the screaming that ensued by her to get Fudge to let go and Fudge’s expression of determination to continue the game meant Hayley was fired rather quickly. 

Hayley, It's been nice working with ya!

That left John.  Unfortunately, he held the rose so that it extended downward in a rather limp position and never in the picture with any part of either dog.

Not sure what we are going for with this shot....wait, now I remember. He put peanut butter on the stem, but left the jar and knife on the floor, so after this shot, Vern was fixated on the jar and knife and would not look at the camera.  Plus I got to clean up a mess when I was done.

Well, that limp rose caused me to react badly and I started yelling that the way he was holding the rose made it look like it had erectile dysfunction and unless he had a blue pill for roses, to get it up in the position I needed.  He said he doubted the Washington monument could stay erect with my loud voice.  At that point, I tried to rehire Hayley, but things went further downhill when as we were working together I started telling her about a story I saw coming up on Dr. Phil about a daughter who killed her mother and she wanted to know if the mother took a lot of pictures of her dogs.  I can be very perceptive and once I sensed murderous thoughts, I decided a break was the way to go.

Our power came back on yesterday and things are looking up.  Why am I telling you all of this? Because I just wanted you to know that despite the double entendres, thoughts of murder, limp props, verbal abuse, and the dysfunctional nature of our family and marriage, I would still take another day like our Valentine’s Day photo shoot over one more day of snow and ice.  I am ready for Spring and easy shots of two Doodles wearing rabbit ears.

Happy Valentine's Day from some of us :)  All that effort yielded three photos!

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

OMGosh Laurie you made our morning at the breakfast table!  My husband and I have never laughed so hard and had so much fun reading this blog!   We could not stop laughing!  I'm sorry for all your weather problems and the difficult photo shoot, but it was a true hit with us!  You are amazing and we LOVE your Valentine photos and message too!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie! Misery loves company, and since I haven't lost power, water, or any trees, this blog has actually made me feel a little bit better about this horrible winter, not an easy thing to do. Of course, all those pictures of the doodles didn't hurt, either. Especially that first one of John, the look on Vern's face is priceless! 

I am not a photographer and would never even attempt to get JD to hold a rose or anything else for a photo, but here is a Valentine's bouquet for you. And I hope this miserable winter gets better for all of us! Happy Valentine's Day! 

[F, Calla & Luca]

I may have possibly, there is an off chance, perhaps  I mentioned that Hayley and John are up for sainthood. But I share your sentiments about the winter totally. We missed you Laurie. No chuckles around here when you were gone.

Even the dogs don't venture far into the yard due to the possibility that with each step you can break through the frozen crust and get a leg stuck. It took high boots and about 10 minutes for me to walk 5 steps the other day to reach the garbage can. I almost broke my arm today when I though I could knock down a hoodoo I thought might fall into the driveway. It is like a pillar of ice and will only recede drop by drop maybe around April.

Even if they break up the family, I love the Valentine Day cards and you : )

[Pat and Traveler]

Hilarious blog, Laurie!   Portland is at a complete stand-still, with snow, ice, black ice and other cold, unfriendly things.  I've been so glad that the power stayed on!

Love the photos!  That last one makes Vern look a little demented, but cute!

Take care of yourselves--hope you can get out and about soon.