I Had a Tick in my Pants!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I hate ticks and as far as I can tell, they have no real purpose in life other than to gross us out.  Last week, however, I discovered the one thing they may be useful for and that would be as an icebreaker.  Say for example I walked into a party where I didn’t know anybody and wasn’t sure how to get the conversation rolling.  Well, after what happened, I could turn to the person next to me and say, “I once had a tick in my pants and that is tick spelled T-I-C-K, not T-I-C.” 

not this kind of nervous tic

Sure, I could always lead off with a compliment, but sometimes that can come across as being phony, whereas the old “tick in my pants,” statement says, “I am not just another pretty face and I’ve got something unique and interesting to tell you.”  It does what any good icebreaker should do and draws a person into the conversation.  It is actually a good thing because when it comes to stories I have been known to overuse some of my good ones until people around me start making up their own endings and twisting my words until my story makes no sense even to me.  For years, when my girls would want something or complain about their lack of funds, I would reach back into my mind’s memory file and pull out the story about how when their dad was in college, I would sometimes get paid and we would only have $3.00 to our names until next pay day once I paid our bills.  Well, the last time I told it my oldest said, “we know…we know…you worked in the red light district and only made $3.00 because the cops made you go home because they were getting so many complaints from the Johns.”  She knows darn well I worked for an insurance company and the only John that ever complained about me was the one I married.  Plus while my stories are always met with groans and “not again,” her revised stories always seem to be far more entertaining to my audience and that just burns me up.  I think I have to retire that story, but now I have a new one.

not this kind of job

Yesterday, the dogs and I went for a walk up at the park.  If you live in the part of the country that has ticks and own two woolly mammoth Doodles, you just have to get used to them.  I hate them, but in this area it comes along with having dogs.  I use a preventative and have them vaccinated for Lyme’s disease and wish I could do the same for me.  After our walk, I wanted to download my photos to my computer and went back into the bedroom where I keep the computer. Fudge tagged along beside me and opted to take a nap on our bed.  I am pretty sure I have identified the carrier since not much gets by me and Vern was not there.

Carrier is on the left

While I was working on the computer, I kept feeling an itch on my leg, but when the itch moved I knew instantly I had a tick.  Immediately my mind and body reacted with something similar to the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief hypothesis, although I adapted it to “the five stages of knowing you might have a tick in your pants.”  1) Denial-I kept telling myself it was not a tick and to remain calm.  It was probably just a loose string hanging from my pant’s seam.  2) Anger-Why me? Why can’t my dogs just sit and watch TV? Isn’t there someone more deserving of a tick in his/her pants than me? 3) Bargaining-Dear Lord, I won’t complain about bad drivers, my mother, the fact that no one ever empties the dishwasher, John’s inability to turn off a light, my weight and exercising, the fact that no one has created a no calorie food that tastes like a chocolate bar, the price of gas, what to cook for dinner, why I have to cook for dinner, someone slow in line in front of me at the grocery store, slow moving people in general, and anything else I forgot, if when I look in my pants, there is no tick.  4) Depression-I am very sad and upset about having a tick in my pants.  What’s the point of asking someone in my family to help me and take a look?  Last time, one of them yelled, “my eyes are burning, yet I can’t look away!”  5) Acceptance-Yep, I looked, it’s a tick and I can handle it, after all, I gave birth to two children and I know that tick is just moments away from booking passage on the Carnival Triumph via our toilet.

meet the SS Carnival Toilet, all passengers are ticks

The other thing about ticks is once I pull one off of my dogs or myself, for days after, the slightest touch or feeling or movement makes me feel like I am covered in ticks.  For days later, I am just moments away from stripping naked at any time if I feel like something under my clothes is not right.  I am pretty sure if it happened in a restaurant, the owners of the restaurant would not appreciate the stampede that ensued as I stood there asking fellow diners to just take a moment on their way out to let me know if they see a tick anywhere on me. 

was it something I said??

I can just hear the taunts as they go by…”lady, join a gym!  Even a tick has standards!  Finding a tick on you would be like finding a red hot in a bowl full of red Jell-O.”   Hungry people can be mean.  I am sorry, but ticks just give me the willies and it can be disturbing to other family members when they brush up against me and I start to flail and thrash about and yell like I am on an LSD trip, “Get them off of me.  They are everywhere!” only to have one of the say, “mom, it is a poppy seed that fell off your bagel.”  Poor John tried to kiss me one night and almost had to slap me to get me to stop screaming, “I just felt a tick on my lips!” Tick season also means more vacuuming for me, because I am convinced nothing could survive in my vacuum canister for more than two minutes and I just feel like I am in control of a tick destroyer machine when I turn it on. Please do not tell me they survive in the canister for x amount of days, because I will cover my ears and start humming.  Denial has always worked well for me and I am too old to change.

 

Things are slowly getting back to normal and I really am braver than I make myself sound, but I still don’t know what purpose a tick serves or who to ask for answers.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cathy, Thank you! My DD hates spiders and goes nuts when she sees one. They don't bother me, but show me a snake and watch out :) I don't even like to think about them. I hope you never see a tick!

[Cathy, Fozzie & Shaggy]

Wow, guess I've been lucky to have never encountered a tick (I'm knocking on wood)!!

Since I have no experience with ticks I should have been able to read and enjoy your blog Laurie, as I have with  others you have written.  Unfortunately, I teach children to make "connections" between their experiences and the stories they read to build comprehension.  SOOO, I made a connection to your tick story with.... SPIDERS!!!  I can't tell you how many times I leap out of bed in the middle of the night throwing aside pillows, blankets, books, and phone, whip on a light and do a "spider dance" to make all the spiders I'm sure are crawling on me fall off.  The boys don't even get up and run to my rescue anymore.  DJ - I totally agree that the 5 stages definately apply to spiders. 

Laurie, I always look forward to your posts- Thanks again for the smiles =:-))) 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Gail, Yikes...you are a good wife :) LOL I probably call those ticks the same names :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Becka, I tried to warn you :)

Linda, That was a very nice stranger. I would have said, "Lady, I am not allowed to talk to strangers!" LOL

Donna, Vern has had a slug before, too. Yuck! No thank you to blood sucking leeches and maggots, either!

Deanna, I tried to warn you in the title :) LOL

Allyson, I knew someone else had to have had one, too :) LOL

DJ, Thank you!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, LOL...a flea sounds pretty bad, too :)

Lori, Thank you! You are welcome!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

A tick - ew! I get the willies just thinking about the possibility. Ewwwwww, again.  I did once have a flea crawling on my head. It was awful - but inevitable when you let your cat sleep curved around your head and it is pre-flea prevention except powders that didn't work much.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Hate ticks-love your blog!  Thanks for keeping me company while I ate my lunch at my desk! 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Colleen, I would go to VA to see you and the doods, but not for a tick! 

[Colleen, Jake & Baxter]

Laurie.....FLEAS!!!!!!

Karen.....Come to VA so you can see a tick in person :)

[Becka]

I should have been warned away by the title of your post, Laurie, but I read it anyway and now I too feel like I'm crawling in ticks! Thanks a lot! ;)