My New, Miracle Dog Training Technique. You Heard it Here First!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My dog-training regimen, or lack thereof, has been well documented on DK.  I have the absolute best indoor dogs in the world, who turn into completely different dogs when out on our daily walks.  Vern pulls like an ox, is oblivious to his prong collar and thinks corrections are my way of letting him know I am ready for another surge or lunge forward.  I am starting to think a correction for Vern is the same as a “Mush” for a sled dog. Fudge has a nervous energy to her that radiates from every pore in her body while on a walk and the vibes she gives off prove conductive for Vern.  Over the past year, she has become reactive to cars and primarily, white trucks or vans, which may be directly related to the service vehicles that patrol the campground where we walk.  In addition, I think most of the drivers of these service vehicles have dyslexia and feel the posted speed limit signs of 15 actually say 51 or think they are taking their victory lap after winning the Indianapolis 500.  Sometimes, it is as if they appear out of nowhere and I am sure my startled reactions have added fuel to Fudge’s fire.

 

They say that “God helps those who help themselves,” and I know there is stuff I could be doing, but basically, I just want my dogs to shape up because I asked them to.  Both dogs have had plenty of obedience training classes and can and do heel, but I want our walks to be fun. I want them to be able to sniff, roll, and move about freely as long as they do not pull.  If we pass another dog, I want them to nod in acknowledgment and move forward without a peep.  Barking in the car is another no-no, because I find it distracting when I am simultaneously yelling, “GET OFF THE ROAD, GRANDPA!” and “QUIET, FUDGE AND VERN!”  I feel as if I am sending mixed messages to other drivers, as well as my dogs.  It’s not as if I don’t want advice or to hear how you corrected all of this with your own dogs, but I am almost 99% sure that I will pretend I am going to follow through with what was said and then go back to complaining about my dogs and continuing to look for a “minimal effort” fix. 

 

In the past, I have tried obedience training with a class full of Belgian Malinois elitist owners, private training with a woman who terrified the dogs and me, fun dog training classes, working with a trainer one-on-one, all kinds of collars, and lots of yelling.  In fact, John has called me the Dog Yeller a couple of times, usually right after I say something about my dog training abilities and refer to myself as the Dog Whisperer. The kids or John have also called me Old Yeller and mentioned once or twice that I should pay special attention to the ending of that movie. Unfortunately, like my kids, yelling never seems to work. In fact, I can remember one incident from years gone by when John raised his voices at our girls and caused them to burst out crying.  As they were relaying his mistreatment to me, I said, “I yell all the time and you never cry,” and Megan answered back that I never yell at them.  This caused me to wonder if their hearing needed to be checked and then it dawned on me, they thought my yelling voice was my normal speaking voice. 

 

One of my most effective training methods to date was a child’s bike horn I purchased for the sole purpose of “horning” my dogs every time they started to bark at something in the car.  I also used an air horn, but found that passengers in the car could get very testy when their daydreams were interrupted by a shrill blast of air and a woman screaming, “bark again and there is more where that came from.”  For that reason and the fact that the air horn broke, I switched to the child’s bike horn. It worked beautifully at first and since there was no law on the books that you cannot “horn and drive”, I could blow that horn repeatedly while driving into our park to discourage barking at people, dogs, groundhogs, and bike riders. I will say that several passengers mentioned that the punishment seemed worse, and by worse, I mean louder, than the crime, but that didn’t stop me from pulling that horn out every chance I got.  Fudge HATED the horn and since she was usually leading the party, it worked for a while.  Eventually, they got accustomed to the horn and since it probably was not made for the purpose for which it was being used, the “horning” started to sound more like weak pinging and lost its mojo. I really think, at the end, the dogs thought the bike horn was my way of barking right along with them.

 

Now, before you despair, I have hit upon another idea and if this takes off, please remember you heard it here first.  It’s cheap, easy to carry, and equally annoying to dogs and family members….the KAZOO. 

Yes, you read that right, a kazoo.  I bought one to keep in my camera bag to get the dog’s attention when I am shooting a picture and quickly found out that Fudge is afraid of the sound. It seems it scares her almost as much as a good sneeze, but since I can’t produce a sneeze at whim; the kazoo seems to be a very reliable fill-in.  So far, the only draw back to this training method is I seem to lose the kazoo in my bag, much like I do my cell phone, car keys, and glasses.  Usually, by the time I locate the kazoo, the crisis is over.  I have tried keeping it in my mouth as I drive, but I find myself unable to talk without making “kazoo” conversation with my passengers and I fear if I keep this up, I will have no passengers in the future and de-sensitize Fudge to the annoying sound.  So, the kazoo takes a bit of finagling, but I am thinking of designing a kazoo necklace, which should eliminate 90% of the problems I have been having.  Just yesterday on our walk, we passed by a man with a dog, and the dogs looked ready to bark when I said into my kazoo, “one bark and you will be rehomed.”  John started laughing and asked if he could go with the dogs and I told him in kazoo talk, “until death do us part and you don’t look dead to me,” and I noticed my kazoo seemed to work on quieting down humans, too.  I am sitting on a gold mine with this idea. Just remember, you heard it here first!

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Wow, it really works! Reminds me of the Pied Piper!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Luca certainly was mesmerized by the kazoo but did he do anything else? I do love these pictures!

[Bonnie and Kona]

Deeply indebted to you for these marvelous photos, Joanne! Priceless!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Before this thread goes off the front page, I want to add this photo.  I was lucky enough to be with Laurie and witness first hand her new Kazoo Technique.  

Here is a photo  F's Luca paying complete attention to Laurie and her new training technique. Amazing

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, That is a great idea. Sure beats me throwing the bike horn at Fudge today to distract her in the car :) I am going to try the treats thing. I HATE barking in the car. As least I can listen to the radio and CD's and no one complains about my singing :) Vern would go ballistic if someone in a hat walked up to my car. I feel your pain.

Leslie, I have a harmonica and I do play it for photos. LOL I have never played it in a restaurant. OH my. I did walk by a woman the other day in the store who was humming very loudly and when she saw me looking, said, "I don't know why I am humming. It's rather stupid." I just said I was glad she was happy :) I am very glad John does not bring a harmonica when we go out to dinner. A nose flute.....hmmmmm...

[Leslie and Halas]

I love the idea!  You could also try a harmonica.  My friend's dad often takes his harmonica when they all go out to dinner.  He likes to play it at the table.  In a public restaurant.  It's super annoying, so in that sense, it accomplishes the same thing as the kazoo.  Oh, a nose flute might work, too!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I like the kazoo idea, Laurie......except for Murph it would definitely cause a nervous breakdown.  He's the Dood who is terrified of the piano.   I can only imagine what would happen if I started playing the kazoo in a closed up car.  I only listen to music now with my IPod and earphones to avoid freaking this guy out.  I have a new "trick" that I never ever thought I would resort to that may even beat your "kazoo training miracle".  It started last weekend when I took the boys up to the High School to walk them.....there's a beautiful track behind the school that is usually empty on weekends.  As I pulled into the driveway that leads to the back of the school I noticed lots of other cars, some orange cones, and guys dressed in "jumpsuits and hats".  Apparently it was hazardous waste disposal day in town.  So once you're in this line there is no way out until it's "your turn" to get rid of your waste.  I could see Murph getting all stiff with this activity and when he saw the guy in the hat it all started.  At that point one of these men walked right up to the car and Murph lost his mind...barking and lunging at the window.  I rolled down my window a crack and told the guy that I had no waste and I just came here to walk my dogs, and he please take down the cones and let me pass through.  His response was "sure, but I can't believe you're actually going to walk that big one in public".   So I talked with our trainer because this is a problem when I can't correct Murph....I haven't figured out how to do that and still drive.  We've decided that as much as we both hate the idea I will throw treats into the back seat around these serious distractions.  I found it absolutely works.  I actually tested it in the Petco parking lot.  I just whip those little treats back there and G & M go to town trying to get to them first.  They forget all about the dogs passing by the car.  So it's not "real training"....it's replacing one distraction with another....but for now it works and it might save my sanity.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Maryann, LOL...I think I am in the same boat as you. It won't be long until someone finds me wandering about and I have to be returned home. I lose something every single day. I need to get that lei necklace and attach my car keys, cell phone, and glasses to it, like you said :) Let me know if this works for Tigger.

Cheryl, I think F was calling us dumb monkeys again :) Surely, the woman knew she could just take the kazoo out of her mouth. Did she inhale it while she was screaming for her dog? LOL I have never actually paired the kazoo with my megaphone, but now you have me thinking :)

Ricki, It will be a doozy of a blog :)

Nancy, LOL...love it....kazoontite :)

[Maryann,Roo and Tigger]

Okay - I am definitely trying out the kazoo idea on Tigger.  If it doesn't startle him perhaps it will scare away whatever critter has started his barking.  Come to think of it, I got a deer caller for Christmas - more or less same principle as kazoo.  I am so tone deaf that the only thing it calls is someone to take it away from me.

Still, its an awesome idea a kazoo necklace - combined with Nancy's lei idea the necklace could hold a lovely set of charms: glasses, a kazoo, car keys, chapstick, sort of like those expensive charm bracelets that I can't remember the name of right now.

I definitely think the lei -necklace is a winner.  It could even have an ID tag with phone number in case I get lost and need to be returned home.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Your story topped my comment Cheryl : )