My Second Ever Poop Blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

A while ago, I posted my first ever poop blog, and I will be happy to link it here, but basically I am against it or at least against thinking about it.

http://www.doodlekisses.com/profiles/blogs/why-is-it-my-first-ever-...

I know it is something we all do, and that there has even been a children’s book written about it called Everyone Poops, but I don’t want to read the book. I don't want to hear anyone say they are in the bathroom when I call or hear a toilet flush or hear someone taking a call in a public restroom.  As far as I am concerned, if that is your standard practice, the next time someone asks what kind of phone you have, you should just answer, "Oh, I have a GermBerry."  I also don't need to see any movie where someone is sitting on the toilet, because while I might not find a potty mouth offensive, a potty scene is an entirely different matter.  Frankly, I am the person most likely to start humming loudly when anyone starts talking about bowel movements and to this day, I am convinced Colin Powell’s mom meant to name him Collin and that is how I refer to him. 

I know it is spelled differently, but seriously, what was she thinking? Are his siblings Pate, Venous, and Palate, when she really meant Pete, Venus, and Paulette? I am also really hoping Colin does not have a brother named Dick, because then I would start to suspect an awkward theme for selecting baby names in the Powell’s household. No, Papa Powell, I don’t like the name Michael. It has to be a body part. Or maybe I have it all wrong and he has a twin named Semi and a sister named Apostrophe.  Still spelled differently, but it all sounds the same to me.

 

What does all this have to do with poop, who knows? I have lost my train of thought; just like I seem to lose everything else I need on a daily basis.  Fudge will wait each day to do her big business until we take our first morning walk. In the back of my mind, I am always thinking that Fudge has to go to the bathroom when we get into the car for that first walk.  Even if I have a quick errand like running to the Post Office, I prefer to do it after our walk, because I feel rushed to get her to the park.  I think it is a mind game Fudge plays with me to get to the park quicker and she wins every time. Some days, we barely get out of the car and she goes, which I like because I don’t have to carry anything gross on our walks and can just leave it by the car to take care of later.  Mostly though, Fudge likes to wait until we are just far enough from the car or a trash can that it isn’t feasible to go back, but instead means I have to carry it forward until another trash can comes along.  I really believe, and there are some members of my family who think I spend far too much time on my conspiracy theories, that Fudge knows the trash can locations and times her morning constitutional so I have to carry it the longest distance. Sometimes, I think in another life Fudge may have been royalty and I was her chambermaid.  Fudge also does not care about the volume she produces, because she kicks back the same amount of covering no matter the size and often times, I end up with grass and dirt halfway up my leg or in my hair, if I happen to be bending over to pick it up.

Queen Fudge

The thing is with all my issues, my dog’s poop does not bother me in any way.  I have a huge Ziploc bag in my car full of poop bags.  Granted most of them are completely unraveled since I seem to drop them every single time I go to fish one out of my pocket, but I decided I needed to figure out a way to keep them where I would need them most.  Despite the fact that I have them in drawers at home, in my camera bag, on every dresser, and in miscellaneous coat and pant’s pockets, I was having far too many days when I would get to some location in our car and have to scurry around for something else I could use to pick up their poop because I forgot the bags, yet again. I have picked up poop in 30-gallon bags, in Kleenex, in cups, with leaves, and once, with an envelope. Seriously, because of my terrible memory I was turning into MacGyver when it came to finding ways of picking up their daily deposits, so things are better now that I just keep the whole lot of bags in my car.

Next up on my agenda is fastening an antibacterial soap holder with the soap inside into a pair of earrings that I can’t take off.  I thought this up after I used a particularly flimsy poop bag one day to pick up Fudge’s poop and found my hand going straight through the bottom of the bag and right into the poop.  Again, I have about 3000 antibacterial everythings as if my name is Mrs. Monk, yet never when I need it, and that day I had to walk back to the car and pray that my clean hand could locate one somewhere. Luckily, it did and later I found a bathroom and scrubbed further. 

The funny thing was I didn’t freak out and remember saying to John, “crap, do you believe this just happened?”  Yet, have any person, large or small, turn to me and say, “I just made a doo doo in my pants,” and I will be that person who starts gagging and runs screaming from the room.  I have already told John that will be the last he will ever see of me if he decides someday that the toilet is too far away to bother with and he starts using a “backup” plan.  I could see him weighing his options, but all he said was, “good to know.”  If I happen to flip the TV to any talk show discussing healthy end results and what to look for, I flip the channel and shake my head in wonderment that anyone turns and has a “meet and greet” before leaving the bathroom. Seriously, what happened to Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin?

Now we have bears running around with toilet paper stuck everywhere while I am trying to decide when did bears start using toilet paper.

Yet, Fudge and Vern go and you would think they just laid a golden egg as I tell them what a great job they did and congratulate them on their well-formed poops.

On our cruise, Leslie had a lovely expression, “dropping the kids at the pool,” and it was just coy enough that I could believe that someone was really dropping their kids at the pool. I like anything that can allow me to avoid the dirty reality, unless of course, it has to do with Fudge and Vern and then it is perfectly acceptable to discuss.

P.S. Of course, I hate to beat F to the punch, but I know she is going to tell me why Colin Powell pronounces his name that way, so I took the liberty of linking this, so she doesn't have to worry about it :) It lets his parents off the hook, but it didn't stop me from taking liberties with my blog.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colin_Powell

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

We'll, what a way too start the day LOL

ROTFL Donna! 

Laurie, I guess examining our dog's poop has become a science.  Everything else is just ...gag!!! But I can't believe you failed to include the Poo Pourri lady, so for your viewing pleasure ...

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Gail, Yes...throw up is another off limits topic :) I do the same thing with the poop bags. I walk at a park and half the people don't pick up their dog's poop and I always want to make sure people don't think it is us. Makes me so mad. I have even seen dog poop right beside the dog poop station that supplies bags and a trash can. How lazy and rude is that?? Thank you!!

Janie, That ride could happen. I once took an elderly woman to the store and got hopelessly lost on the way home and told her we were on a mystery ride and I was calling it that because it was a mystery to me where we were :) Oh no....don't listen to DH...post the photo :) LOL

Lori, I could NEVER be a nurse. They would fire me on day one :) I think you should get paid more than a Pro Basketball player :) Thank you!!

Leslie, You are now famous for a poop line :) I was afraid of that. Hopefully, you will tell all the poop jokes to Flat Laurie and get it out of your system. I had a poop bag holder too....hmmmm....what happened to it?? LOL about the 24 hours stink.....wait, I forgot...it is Halas and his doesn't stink.

Bonnie, I think you are right :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sheila, Why doesn't that surprise me?? LOL Yes, I have a mother who likes to overshare :)

Bonnie, Looks like a Christmas present to me. LOL

Donna, LOL...no thank you!! You keep it!

Pat, Yikes....I would have had to ask her to stop :)

Leslie, Sure it wasn't about you :) LOL

Karen, OMD....I cannot believe you would take a phone in the bathroom....NOT YOU :) LOL I refuse to believe it. Who knows how Leslie thinks, although I am pretty sure she was not sober when she said it. It seems to me it was at breakfast :) I do try and keep my blogs educational and that is why I linked about Colin. Plus, I wanted to beat F to it.

Carol, I was desperate. I live in a small town. I could never have dropped it at the Post Office. They would have caught me. LOL Plus, if it was Vern's that would have been a lot of postage :)

Nicky, You have me beat. I once discovered two full poop bags on the top of my van. I drove all the way to Gettysburg and back (over 50 miles) and they stayed on the roof. LOL I have hidden it, too, and returned for it. I have never put it in my coat pocket, because I would find it the next season. These ideas just come to me, Nicky :)

Camilla, I know...and then those parents never wash their hands. YIKES!

[Sheila & Finnley]

I have read the book Everybody Poops !!   Bought it for my son as a joke, a few Christmas' ago. For those who don't know, it is NOT a little kids potty training book, like it might sound. It's a  very funny book about... well, about poop of course !

Laurie you would NEVER want to engage in a conversation with my dad these days. Seems that is his new favorite subject. If he's not doing it, he wants to talk about it ! Aaah, good times.... good times !

[Bonnie and Kona]

Donna, I'm dying laughing. You must have missed the memo that Laurie doesn't drink coffee. Now there is a mug for a civil sanitary engineer (my DH). He has always loved the question, "Where does the poop go?"

[Donna K & Quincy]

Well darn, I guess I'll have to return you christmas gift. 

Why do we need ads for toilet tissue anyway, is there someone out there not buying any?

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

That's okay, Les, I never thought your were referring to yourself, lol. And I blame Flat Laurie, she is clearly a bad influence. 

[Pat and Traveler]

Hilarious, Laurie!  I worked with a woman who talked about her internal processes all the time!  It was awful!  :)

[Leslie and Halas]

I don't really use that phrase normally, and I wasn't referring to myself when I said it on the cruise! I blame the fact that there were pools on the cruise ship. And I had probably had a lot of liquor juice at that point, LOL!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie. I'm truly hoping that I never took you into the bathroom with me during one of our phone calls. 

I'm also wondering what topic of conversation led to Leslie's use of that charming expression about dropping kids in pools, which I have never heard before, despite the fact that we see each other several times a year and somebody visits the bathroom on every occasion. Here I was thinking I had missed out on lots of spicy cruise conversations, and it turns out to have been toilet talk? 

As I've mentioned before, the toilet paper commercials nowadays drive me up a wall, and the "pieces left behind" is particularly nauseating. I miss Mr. Whipple, too. 

Lastly, I do want to thank you for posting that Wikipedia article on Colin Powell. I never knew why he mispronounces his name, and it's always bugged me. Come to think of it, now that I know the reason, it still bugs me. LOL