My Second Ever Poop Blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

A while ago, I posted my first ever poop blog, and I will be happy to link it here, but basically I am against it or at least against thinking about it.

http://www.doodlekisses.com/profiles/blogs/why-is-it-my-first-ever-...

I know it is something we all do, and that there has even been a children’s book written about it called Everyone Poops, but I don’t want to read the book. I don't want to hear anyone say they are in the bathroom when I call or hear a toilet flush or hear someone taking a call in a public restroom.  As far as I am concerned, if that is your standard practice, the next time someone asks what kind of phone you have, you should just answer, "Oh, I have a GermBerry."  I also don't need to see any movie where someone is sitting on the toilet, because while I might not find a potty mouth offensive, a potty scene is an entirely different matter.  Frankly, I am the person most likely to start humming loudly when anyone starts talking about bowel movements and to this day, I am convinced Colin Powell’s mom meant to name him Collin and that is how I refer to him. 

I know it is spelled differently, but seriously, what was she thinking? Are his siblings Pate, Venous, and Palate, when she really meant Pete, Venus, and Paulette? I am also really hoping Colin does not have a brother named Dick, because then I would start to suspect an awkward theme for selecting baby names in the Powell’s household. No, Papa Powell, I don’t like the name Michael. It has to be a body part. Or maybe I have it all wrong and he has a twin named Semi and a sister named Apostrophe.  Still spelled differently, but it all sounds the same to me.

 

What does all this have to do with poop, who knows? I have lost my train of thought; just like I seem to lose everything else I need on a daily basis.  Fudge will wait each day to do her big business until we take our first morning walk. In the back of my mind, I am always thinking that Fudge has to go to the bathroom when we get into the car for that first walk.  Even if I have a quick errand like running to the Post Office, I prefer to do it after our walk, because I feel rushed to get her to the park.  I think it is a mind game Fudge plays with me to get to the park quicker and she wins every time. Some days, we barely get out of the car and she goes, which I like because I don’t have to carry anything gross on our walks and can just leave it by the car to take care of later.  Mostly though, Fudge likes to wait until we are just far enough from the car or a trash can that it isn’t feasible to go back, but instead means I have to carry it forward until another trash can comes along.  I really believe, and there are some members of my family who think I spend far too much time on my conspiracy theories, that Fudge knows the trash can locations and times her morning constitutional so I have to carry it the longest distance. Sometimes, I think in another life Fudge may have been royalty and I was her chambermaid.  Fudge also does not care about the volume she produces, because she kicks back the same amount of covering no matter the size and often times, I end up with grass and dirt halfway up my leg or in my hair, if I happen to be bending over to pick it up.

Queen Fudge

The thing is with all my issues, my dog’s poop does not bother me in any way.  I have a huge Ziploc bag in my car full of poop bags.  Granted most of them are completely unraveled since I seem to drop them every single time I go to fish one out of my pocket, but I decided I needed to figure out a way to keep them where I would need them most.  Despite the fact that I have them in drawers at home, in my camera bag, on every dresser, and in miscellaneous coat and pant’s pockets, I was having far too many days when I would get to some location in our car and have to scurry around for something else I could use to pick up their poop because I forgot the bags, yet again. I have picked up poop in 30-gallon bags, in Kleenex, in cups, with leaves, and once, with an envelope. Seriously, because of my terrible memory I was turning into MacGyver when it came to finding ways of picking up their daily deposits, so things are better now that I just keep the whole lot of bags in my car.

Next up on my agenda is fastening an antibacterial soap holder with the soap inside into a pair of earrings that I can’t take off.  I thought this up after I used a particularly flimsy poop bag one day to pick up Fudge’s poop and found my hand going straight through the bottom of the bag and right into the poop.  Again, I have about 3000 antibacterial everythings as if my name is Mrs. Monk, yet never when I need it, and that day I had to walk back to the car and pray that my clean hand could locate one somewhere. Luckily, it did and later I found a bathroom and scrubbed further. 

The funny thing was I didn’t freak out and remember saying to John, “crap, do you believe this just happened?”  Yet, have any person, large or small, turn to me and say, “I just made a doo doo in my pants,” and I will be that person who starts gagging and runs screaming from the room.  I have already told John that will be the last he will ever see of me if he decides someday that the toilet is too far away to bother with and he starts using a “backup” plan.  I could see him weighing his options, but all he said was, “good to know.”  If I happen to flip the TV to any talk show discussing healthy end results and what to look for, I flip the channel and shake my head in wonderment that anyone turns and has a “meet and greet” before leaving the bathroom. Seriously, what happened to Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin?

Now we have bears running around with toilet paper stuck everywhere while I am trying to decide when did bears start using toilet paper.

Yet, Fudge and Vern go and you would think they just laid a golden egg as I tell them what a great job they did and congratulate them on their well-formed poops.

On our cruise, Leslie had a lovely expression, “dropping the kids at the pool,” and it was just coy enough that I could believe that someone was really dropping their kids at the pool. I like anything that can allow me to avoid the dirty reality, unless of course, it has to do with Fudge and Vern and then it is perfectly acceptable to discuss.

P.S. Of course, I hate to beat F to the punch, but I know she is going to tell me why Colin Powell pronounces his name that way, so I took the liberty of linking this, so she doesn't have to worry about it :) It lets his parents off the hook, but it didn't stop me from taking liberties with my blog.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colin_Powell

[Carol and Banjo]

Hahahahaha......the visual of you scooping poop into an envelope.....oh my!!!   Just tell me you didn't go to the post office with it!   I too, am a proud Doodle Mom when Banjo produces a perfectly formed poop.....it's a marvelous thing!

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Well I found a full bag of poop in a coat pocket! I'm sure it was there a couple of days. I tend to hide the full bags (always Riley, Boris waits for his own garden spot) as they are always full about five minutes into our walk and I go back for them on the way home. It's either that or carry them with me and having the smell wafting in front of me as I stride out in the gorgeous countryside. It gets worse when someone stops to talk and I have to excuse the smell as it drifts pass us all. I too have had to use leaves and tissues and an empty box even though I should have bought shares in the makers of bio-degradable poop bags. They are in every handbag, my car, coat pockets and jeans pockets and stuffed into my boots. I too have put my hand through a bag..but it's my own doodle family poop so who cares.  Now if it was a strange dogs poop or even one that I knew I think I wouldn't feel all that well. Laurie were do you come up with these subjects...LOL

[Camilla and Darwin]

OMD, hysterical! I am totally with you about poop (a common phrase... not). I don't mind dog poop, specifically my dog's poop that much. But a parent whipping out their child's butt and changing a poopy diaper (that I can always smell no matter how far across the room I am) makes me gag!

[Gail and Bailey]

Where do I start???  First, I totally agree with Lori (and Quincy) and want to avoid all talk of "throw-up".....gross, gross!  Have you noticed in the last couple years all the "throw-up" scenes in TV shows and movies?  I am always hiding my eyes and covering my ears!  WTD??

 I love to "show off" our full poop bag when I walk Bailey so that any neighbors watching out the window will know that I pick up my dogs waste!!  If they find any poop in the neighborhood I want them to know it is not us!!  Great blog, Laurie!  I read the first one too.  You always crack me up! 

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

I feel like I just went for a ride with you and forgot where we were going. Didn't matter. I stayed anyway. I don't mind poop talk, there's always some humor there, but I do agree that there's no poop like your doodles poop. I too praise for a job well done and have leaf picked a time or two. Would I do that for someone else? hmmm..

BTW, I have a photo of Colin and DH, but he wouldn't let me post it. Oh poop.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

I am not fond of long walks carrying a swinging poop bag either!  I always feel bad about dumping it in someone's empty trash can and there are no public ones except way down at our beach. However, having been a nurse for 15 odd years, I am immune to poop from any source and happily don't share your phobias/aversion to that degree.  Now if you want to talk about throw-up, that's a whole 'nother bag of disgusting.  

Great blog- have missed them.  You took way too long after such a nice vacation to get back into this!  

[Leslie and Halas]

Woo hoo!  I got a mention in one of Laurie's blogs!  It's quite an honor, even if it is about poop.

You may have made a mistake telling us that it makes you uncomfortable to hear about humans pooping.  It's going to add a whole new element to next year's Doodle Vacation.

I have a poop bag holder that clips on Halas' leash, and there's a tiny bottle of antibacterial gel attached to that.  The clip is really handy, because then I don't even have to carry the full poop bag around.  I can just clip it to the leash, and throw it in the trash when we get done with our walk.  But I must have been distracted yesterday at lunch, because when I went to take Halas on a walk this morning, there was a full poop bag still attached to his leash.  I had forgotten to throw it away when we got done with our walk!  So I had a bag of poop inside my house for nearly 24 hours.  Gross!!!!!  Surprisingly, I wasn't even alerted by a horrible smell.  I guess Halas' s--- doesn't stink.

[Bonnie and Kona]

I love the blog and I think Fudge was a princes and you were her chamber maid… and still are! ;o)