Please Pass the Turkey and Gravy and If You Don't Mind, Stop Coughing!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

Every year, we go to my sister’s for Thanksgiving.  I am thankful she wants to do this holiday, because without her, the rest of us would just make reservations somewhere. Everyone brings something and we all have our signature dishes. She goes all out and pulls out her fine china, silver, and crystal goblets. I would be just as happy with Dixie paper plates, plastic silverware, and those cheap throwaway wine glasses you can buy at the Dollar store, so the cleanup only involved a large garbage bag and me saying, “throw your fancy china here, please.”  This year, my mom had to polish all the silverware and she told everyone at the dinner table she would rather clean toilets then do it again.  I made mention of the fact that when she stays at my house, the only thing I have seen her polish off is the last of the homemade cookies and she probably told me to be quiet.

 

We have an eclectic group of people at the table and this year, the crowd had dwindled enough that there was no kid’s table. Keep in mind, the oldest kid will be 28 in April and the youngest is in college. Luckily for me, I was seated next to the one guest who had a very bad cough.  I am not talking about the “I have a slight tickle in my throat” kind of cough, but rather the kind of cough that you fear will produce a lung at any moment.  My sister’s tradition is that we all hold hands during the prayer and I tried getting her attention and miming that I did not relish holding someone’s hand who seemed to have something equivalent to Whooping cough.  Unfortunately, my sister did not seem to be able to lip read the words, “get me a Hazmat suit NOW!” because the next thing I knew we were all holding hands.  Later, while others were asking for the butter or salt, I wanted to ask if someone could please pass the antibacterial soap, a facemask and rubber gloves.

 

The coughing went on all day and at times I had to bite down on another dinner roll just so I didn’t blurt out, “Shut up already, so we can enjoy our mashed potatoes!”  I was also concerned about the direction the conversation was taking because we all know that when someone starts discussing how much phlegm a cough is producing, you might as well have the Poop group in attendance too. My mom was already starting to exhibit signs of extreme impatience, because the food kept hitting a bottleneck two plates down from her.  The gentleman causing it seemed to be oblivious to the fact that most of us were there for the food and not to watch him open a bottle of wine and place bets on whether or not he completed the task by Christmas. Those of us directly related to my mom knew it was only a matter of time before she thumped him on the head with one of those polished forks if he didn’t start passing the food. All that, combined with the incessant coughing, was plucking every nerve my mother owned and she kept insisting that a cough drop or cough syrup would probably help. It was hard to hear what the coughing person replied because at times she was gagging and choking, but I think she said she couldn’t take either or she would have a bad reaction. You could see on my mother’s face that she was thinking she didn’t care if it closed off her airway as long as she stopped coughing. Luckily, we were able to distract my mom with the cranberry salad before she said what was on her mind.

 

One year, someone at the dinner table got sick and because of his location at the table was unable to get out in time.  I felt bad for the person, but couldn’t help wishing he had timed it a little better because desserts had just been served and I rarely pass up a dessert, but I did that day.  From the other people’s reactions, I can also tell you that nothing says, “Thanksgiving dinner is over,” like a heaving guest.  We did learn that night that in case of fire, we could all file out of the dining room in a quick and orderly fashion in a matter of seconds.  Later, I did say to the sick guest that if he did not want to clear the table, he could have just said so, and he responded back that he thought he had done a pretty good job of clearing the table. It was heartwarming to see that a sick person still had a sense of humor. All I know is that the following year, my sister assigned seats and placed this person nearer to an exit and I whispered to her prior to dinner that if she put me next to him, she had better be prepared to defend herself if we had a reoccurrence of the previous year’s entertainment.

 

This is the second year that my oldest daughter and her husband have not been home for Thanksgiving.  Holidays are not the same when your kids are not there and when I told my daughter that I missed her and Fudge and Vern at Thanksgiving, she made mention of the fact that Fudge and Vern were not my kids. She then went on to say she had just watched a movie about a crazy woman who kept getting more dogs and referring to them as people and how I was starting to remind her of that lady.  As she was talking, I thought maybe separate holidays might not be so bad after all, because I would hate to think about her going on and on at the Thanksgiving dinner table about how spoiled her sister Fudge and brother Vern were and interrupting the quiet moments when the coughing finally stopped.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving with their own unique family and friends.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Sherri :)

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Loved this story Laurie! " ... you might as well have the Poop group in attendance" -  too too funny!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Nancy!!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Loved this~~~~~ as usual.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

BG, I am Lutheran and I don't think we ever kissed the cross on Good Friday...LOL!!

Lisa, NO....the cloth is not nearly enough. It makes me sick to even watch...LOL. I will tell my mom!

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Oh and your Mom would be welcome at my house and she won't have to fight for a comfortable chair from Daisy, Daisy sits on the floor.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Laurie, what the cloth that the Priest uses to wipe the chalice off is not good enough for you? Ewww

[BG and Gavin]

LOL Laurie!  How about kissing the cross on Good Friday?  Or do they still do that?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

BG, I already like your mom and I don't even know her :) I hate that "peace" part in the church service too and don't get me started on the common cup used for Communion. Gag!!!!

Leslie, Thanks for the laugh. Get those shirts made and pray you get the same assignment next year :)

Lisa, Your Thanksgiving sounds great in my book. Next year, I could throw my mom into the mix for your family!!

[BG and Gavin]

You should take a page from my mother's book Laurie.  Every year half way through Christmas Eve mass my mother seems to "catch a chill" and puts her gloves on.  It took me until last year to figure out that this always occurs just before the point where you are invited to shake hands with all of the people around you to wish them a Merry Christmas.  Germs you know.