Poop, Vern, Poop!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am hoping the title of my blog makes you think about the line from Forrest Gump and the simple way in which Forrest viewed and shared the world.  Just like my Vern, Forrest was sweet and innocent, and had his own unique spin on life.  Vern is a dog that doesn’t put a lot of thought into things or maybe puts as much thought as he can into things, but is truly the most endearing dog I have ever owned.  He will do just about anything for a treat and if I could teach him how to quickly do his business for a treat the time I would save would be life altering.  Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out that training technique, so most of the time I sit and wait and strongly encourage him to hurry up.

 

Recently, I traveled back to Pennsylvania to take care of some loose ends with our old house and decided it would be easier for me to take the dogs with me than to try and find a dog sitter.  It is a ten-hour trip by car and the first one ever I made completely alone with my dogs.  I have found when you travel by Toll Road, the rest stops are not all that great for walking dogs and usually you will find me stopped way out by the trucks walking my dogs in less than stellar conditions.  Maybe I am just not stopping at the right ones, but the farther away we are from distractions, the easier it is for Vern.  Vern is easily distracted and could be in the middle of a colonoscopy prep and stop what his body is telling him to do if he hears a noise, sees a bird fly by, or suspects a small toddler is about to wave at him from a stroller.  In other words, conditions must be ideal for Vern to go potty.

 

The thing is this is the only thing that makes traveling with the dogs more complicated than traveling with friends or family.  My dogs are actually great companions in the car.  Hayley is like the Silence police in the car and doesn’t like to hear me open a package of crackers, play with my Slurpee straw, sing, or talk and God forbid I try and have a conversation with her and take time away from the relationship she has with her phone. I like to take every opportunity I can to mention to her that in my day, we had real conversations and didn’t just text and once I said, “Put down that damn phone. There are people that would kill to go on a road trip with me,” and all she did was ask if I wanted to use her phone to call or text them.  She takes great delight in telling me, as she is putting on her headphones, that her new headphones make it virtually impossible to hear any noise in the car.  I know she is telling the truth because I have found you can say any horrible thing in her direction and as long as you say it with a smile, she has no clue that you are talking about her and how rude she is being to you in the car.  It is like a fun game I play in the car all by myself and those headphones also keep her from glancing in my direction with her disapproving stares as I listen to Sirius radio and Howard Stern.  We should all be allowed one guilty pleasure and Howard is mine and I get tired of Sister Mary Hayley offering up her commentary about him.  I feel like a teenage boy explaining to his mom, after he gets caught looking at a Playboy, that he is just reading the articles when I try explaining to her that it is his interviews with celebrities that have me hooked.  My explanation never stops her from squishing up her face like she just ate a lemon and spitting out the words disgusting, gross, or ewww, in my direction.  My dogs just like being with me, no matter what I am doing.

 

I want to keep traveling with my dogs, but Vern has got to learn to speed up his bowels so we can get places faster.  Fudge has that down pat and the only complaint I have about her is that as I stoop to pick it up, she usually back kicks whatever she is back kicking all over me.  She also likes to go immediately on a walk, which means I carry it for the entire walk.  I always feel like that is her way of showing me who is in charge. I don’t know if it is the repetition of repeating the same phrase over and over that finally gets Vern to do the deed or what is going on in his brain as my pleas become more urgent and louder, but I get a sense that finally at some point Vern says to himself,  “Is this what go poopy means?” as he finally squats. At that point, each and every time, I feel exactly like Helen Keller’s teacher must have felt when Helen finally figured out what w-a-t-e-r meant at the water pump.  Sometimes, getting Vern to poop feels like my full time job. I think when people ask me what I do for a living, I am going to start saying I am a motivational speaker.  I can see the conversation now……do you work?....yes, I am a motivational speaker or some say a motivational yeller…what do you motivate people to do?....not people exactly, just one dog.  I motivate him to go number two before I kill him.

 

I don’t know why I care so much if my dogs go to the bathroom, but I feel such relief if I am going somewhere knowing that they are not home waiting for me at the door.  When Vern finally decides to go and I can always tell when the glorious event is truly going to happen by the way he pulls me for 2 miles like a sled dog in the Iditorad Race just to find the perfect spot, I almost feel euphoric.  Normally, I do not like to discuss anything to do with anything that comes out of someone’s body and if my mom even hints that she is about to begin some kind of gross conversation, I am likely to run in the opposite direction or pretend the phone has a bad connection and disconnect.  I wouldn’t watch The Howdy Doody Show even if you paid me, because the title makes me think someone is a little too excited about a bodily function.  Why all this squeamishness doesn’t apply to my dogs, I do not know?  It isn’t out of the ordinary for John and me to discuss our dog’s poop very matter-of-factly…yes, he did go….it looked much better today….but ask me if I had a Number 2 pencil and I might gag and tell you it is none of your business, before I realize we are talking about pencils.  You would think my dogs were depositing something valuable on the ground by the way I happily react when they finally go.

 

This week we have added another step to the process we call “Operation Vern Just Go Potty!” It seems the snow we are having is further slowing this process down because Vern has to go outside and lick the snow for about 10 minutes before he even ventures off the porch toward our yard.  There we are at some kind of weird standstill each morning…..Vern licking…me yelling for him to move off the porch…Vern licking… me begging him to stop licking…Vern looking around like he hears a voice, but can’t place it….and me finally throwing my arms up in the air and threatening to rehome Mr. Licker.  Seriously, I am starting to wonder if I need to have his IQ tested after watching him lick a porch rail for twenty minutes.

Here is Vern during a photo shoot. He decided he needed a break to lick some snow.

 

With this new step added, it seems obvious to me that, if I am in a terrible hurry, winter is not the time to travel with my dogs.  Taking everything into consideration, I told my friend, Rose, that she just edged Fudge and Vern out as my best travel companion and that had a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have to walk her around when we stop and say, “Go potty, Rose, go potty!”   She didn’t seem all that honored about her victory, but she did say the day I have to walk her around at a rest stop should be the day we stop traveling altogether.  I think she makes a good point.

Our First Winter in Michigan!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

That bumper sticker on your van

[Gail and Bailey]

Great blog, Laurie!  Absolutely love the photos too!!  You have such gorgeous doodles!!  I have a serious question about when you travel 10 hours alone with the dogs........what do you do when you need a potty break?  You must leave them in the car alone....right?  I would really love to take a car trip with just Bailey and me but I am not comfortable leaving her in the car alone....I am terrified that someone will steal her!  I have visions of someone smashing the window and grabbing her and driving away.  I guess I am over reacting and being silly but I can't seem to get over it.  Any advice?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sheri, LOL...I had that in the blog about Vern licking God knows what in the trucker's field, but I took it out. LOL I never bring my clown shoes on long trips. They take up too much room in the van :) I am going to check Vern's ears out and see if that is the problem. It couldn't be that my dogs just don't listen to me. LOL

Nancy, My lips are sealed. We will not tell Ned about snow licking :) I wouldn't be able to travel with them alone in the summer. I don't know how I would manage potty stops while I had to run inside, but in the colder weather it worked out great. I cannot imagine camping with my dogs. I give you many kudos for doing that with all of your dogs. 

Thanks, Charlotte.

Joanne, LOL...my dogs definitely know what Go Out means, but here in Michigan, it just means go out :) Maybe I do need a new command. Thanks for the laugh.

Julie, I will say..my dogs love all kinds of weather and will go out in rain, sleet, or snow. It is just those darn distractions that get us and I know what you mean about getting mad. Yesterday, Vern stopped because someone in the yard next door dropped something and he ended up never going. It drives me crazy.

Linda, Nobody likes a braggart :) LOL Do you wanna trade one of your dogs for a rather large Doodle?

F, Thank you for appreciating my blog :) I have been getting out even in the snow. I hate that cabin fever feeling. 

Karen, I can't believe that sweet Jackdoodle gives you any problems :) Pick us up on the way to somewhere warm. It has been a cold winter here in Michigan!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, DJ. I am telling you, it is the smart Doodles who give us the most grief :) They know how to get our goats. LOL

Cheryl, I have been saying the same thing to Vern since he was a puppy. I am still waiting for him to put it all together :) LOL I love that Finn star gazes!! Sweet boy!

Carol, I actually had fun with the dogs. They really are my best company and I think they talk more than John on a trip :)

Lonnie, Thank you!! It was fun and I was glad to know I could do it with the dogs!

Bonnie, No, I didn't get to Cathy and I wish I had. We miss her so much! There was just too much going on that weekend. Thanks!

Andrea, I am hoping that huge snow bypasses us. Good luck and I hope it passes you by. Good to know there is another snow licker out there like Vern. LOL Thank you!

Camilla, I hope Darwin never starts licking snow. LOL

Becka, It is a hat from Target for photos, but I like your story and that's the way I am going to tell it from now on. Vern brought down an animal just like Davy Crockett. LOL

Kaitlin, You would be in the minority in my family. Nobody thinks I am that much fun when traveling. Mostly, they all want me to be quiet and entertain myself :) LOL

Jane, It is good to know that Murphy shines in the poop department, just like Fudge. Fudge can be such a stinker, that I appreciate this about her. LOL Guinness does sound like Vern. Yesterday, just as he was about to go, someone dropped something in the yard next door and he never did go. It drives me crazy.

[DJ & Chance]

OMD, Chance is just like Fudge.  Poops at the beginning of a long walk so that I have to cary the smelly squishy back the entire time.  I too feel that this is intentional and related to some ancient grievance he has forgotten to tell me about.  As for Vern, he is just so sweet.  Love his photos here.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Ohhh, it sounds like you had a fun trip with Fudge and Vern :) Good for all of you!  Because I've always had to walk Finn on a leash at night to do his business, I started when he was a pup to say, "let's go poop."  It's paid off big time because he'll start to circle and go as quick as he can :)  Unfortunately, I haven't found a command that works when he sits down and refuses to budge while he's watching the stars :( LOVE your picture of Vern licking the snow.  He is the sweetest boy!!!

[Carol and Banjo]

Courageous lady to make that journey with both dogs!    Vern, you know I love you furever!    Yes, poo is a normal topic of daily conversation.   I never imagined I'd be admiring the well formed poo of my pooch as it's deposited....

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Really cute blog Laurie!   You are my hero!   I can't imagine driving ten hours alone with two dogs!  Vern just has his own agenda when comes to "his" business and I totally understand!   Love the pictures and enjoy your new home and surroundings

[Bonnie and Kona]

Love, love, love the blog! Love Vern! Love the picture of him licking the snow as well as the portraits of Fudge and Vern in the snow. I hope you had a great visit in PA. Did you take the doodles to Cathy for a haircut? 

[Andrea, Belle and Honey]

Loved your blog Laurie - not only entertaining, but also reassuring to know there is another snow licker out there. We've miraculously only had a light dusting of snow a few times so far, but Belle feels compelled to lick up all snow on the grass, twigs and plants visible from her potty spot before she will deign to hear her better hurry command and poop.  As I huddle shivering under my hat and hood and clench my thrice gloved hands in my pockets, through the frigid air, I swear I hear a voice pleading "poop Vern, poop" and I have to laugh. So thanks to you and Vern. But OMD, we're expecting a huge snowstorm this weekend! We're going need another blog installment please!