Reading Romance Novels can be Hazardous to Your Mother's Health!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I hate (not really) to keep writing blogs about my mom, but something happened recently and I can’t help myself. First of all, if you do not like inappropriate mom humor, you should stop right here and move on to another blog. I have said before my mom is 85 and has a great sense of humor.  First, I have to give you a little background. My mom loves to read and I recently recommended the Bride Quartet series to her by Nora Roberts.  My mother is a mature adult and I felt like she could handle a little dialogue involving men and women spooning repeatedly. Boy, was I wrong.  She has started asking a lot of questions and now wants to discuss certain parts of the book and I have heard the word “sex” one too many times come out of my mother’s mouth.  Frankly, I can’t understand why she is not making the connection between the loud humming noises she certainly hears on her end of the phone and her use of the word “sex”.

 

A few weeks ago, my mom had to have a test done because she gets short of breath.  Before every one starts blaming me, she has had these symptoms long before she started reading these books. After the test, the doctor wanted to put her on a new medication which can cause her blood pressure to drop, so she had to spend the night in the hospital flat on her back.  The shortness of breath, fluctuating blood pressure, and the reclined position are all classic romance novel ingredients.  The only thing missing for this to be a scene right out of one of those books is the fact that the heroine is way past menopause and wearing a hospital gown, instead of a seductive, low cut dress.  It does seem like some people could argue that maybe her recent foray into Romance Novels accelerated her breathing problems and I am sure a good lawyer could prove this case.  My sisters and I have tried to take the books away from her, but we have found her adrenaline increases when she is reading this stuff and the woman gets much stronger.  None of us want to get our fingers dislocated, if we time it all wrong, and try to wrangle the book out of her hands when she is at some part about loins heating up. The next step is we take measures to have her Library card revoked.

 

My sister was with her at the hospital and she was the one that called to tell me that mom was fine, had just been admitted for observation because of the new medicine, and would be going home the next day. My mom was very upset, not because she was having medical issues, but because she was going to miss October Fest that evening and a breakfast date with friends the next morning.  Apparently, her priorities are social commitments and then health.  She had already made the Doctor promise that if she stayed the night, she could at least get to her hair appointment the next day.

 

Once we established that she was fine, I had the wherewithal to ask what was the name of the new medicine and that is when my sister started laughing. I even think I heard my mom say in the background, “If you tell her, you are out of the will!”  My mom threatens that a lot. Well, I was ALMOST speechless when my sister broke the news to me that our blessed, sainted mother is now on Viagra for shortness of breath. WHAT? I mean, come on folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.  Don’t ask me how this medicine works, but you can see how the timing would amuse one daughter who has started to think about using her caller ID a little more efficiently. Well, of course, when my sister told me, our laughter started to feed off each other, but I did get serious long enough to tell my sister to tell mom that if she ever has an erection lasting longer than four hours she has to get herself right back to the hospital. Hey, I already warned you that the blog was inappropriate.  I could hear my mom in the background saying, “very funny,” but she didn’t sound like she meant it at all.

 

Over the years, my mom has grown accustomed to being teased.  Every single time she told me not to get a cat, or a dog, or a whatever, and if I did she would never stay at my house again, I would scream to my family so she could hear, “hop in the car, we are going to get a cat, a dog, or a whatever ASAP.” She loves to go on and on about how her future burial plot is at the Lutheran cemetery right on the corner, near the street, and extremely accessible for visitors.  I am not sure what response she was expecting, but one time I asked her if she thought I would be able to drive by very slowly and just throw the flowers out the car window and she laughed for about ten minutes. She later told me she told that story to two different bridge clubs and one of then laughed and one didn’t, and the group that didn’t laugh was a bunch of fuddy duddies.

 

In case you think kids do not learn by example, I have a daughter that says these same kinds of things to me. When she moved to Oregon, I asked her how I was going to babysit and influence my own grandchildren when she lived so far away and she responded that had been one of the pros on their list when deciding to move.  Prior to a surgery I had long ago, I had to have a kidney test done and found out one kidney has two ureters and she told all of her friends that I had two pee holes and could pee sitting down or standing up. I offered to draw her a diagram and tried to explain it to her, but she said she didn’t care, she liked her version better.  Each time she says this kind of stuff to me, I do the same thing my mom does to me. I laugh!

 

The good news is my mom was discharged from the hospital and was still able to make her hair appointment and go to Panera’s for lunch.  Trying to get her prescription filled was a whole other story.  She told me she has gotten a lot of odd looks and had to go through some serious red tape to get everything approved. During one call, she must have gotten a little worked up, because she later told me she told the Pharmacist that she really was a nice person, but she just gets excited sometimes. He was probably thinking, “then what in the heck are you taking Viagra for?” but he just said he would have to take her word for it that she was nice.  When I said that I hoped he did not need references, she called me a little stinker and laughed.

 

The bad news is she called not too long ago and said I was out of her will.  Apparently, I am to blame because, the night before, she listened to a message on her answering machine from my daughter. I guess Megan called and said she was so sorry to hear that her Grandma had to start taking medicine for her Erectile Dysfunction.  It looks like the only one left in her will is my middle sister. Hopefully, she likes Romance Novels.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Mimi!!

[Mimi Linna, Lilly and Lolly]

lol....oh this is the best... i am wiping tears out of my eyes...

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, It might soften the blow for my mom when she finds out about this blog that so many like her here on DK. Maybe...maybe not..LOL!! Yes, that peeing standing up comes in handy at Target.....LOL! If you that problem with your leg lasts over 4 hours, please go to the ER :)

Carol, Thanks! Who you calling nuts? LOL

Cheryl, Thanks, as always, for your nice comments. I am glad your husband and you had a good laugh :)

Karen, I was cracking up about the lamb chops. I will tell her!!

Sharon, I need a BFF...LOL! So far, it is Fudge and Vern :) I am glad my mom has a great sense of humor. We are lucky, like you and your dad.

Jane, Is your power back on? Your power has been out too long and yes, this is your future :)

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Love this blog....love your Mom. Is this what I have to look forward to in my golden years...Viagra, "romance novels" and my DDs blogging about me?

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

ROFL! Laurie, your mom sounds like my kind of gal! Please tell her that any time she is in the Chicago area, I'd love to meet her! And ask her to bring along some of those romance novels; the only time loins ever heat up around here is when I broil lamb chops for dinner.

[cheryl & oliver]

This has to be one of the funniest, lol, I was laughing out loud and my DH came in to see what was so funny, he was hysterical with me...AND, believe me it takes a lot to get this guy to crack up....We loved it!!!!!!!!

[Carol and Banjo]

Kahlua.....I think there must be a bushel of nuts under that tree!    LOL......thanks Laurie for making me ROTF again!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, this is a riot!  I love your Mom and I really wish I could meet her. I am really happy to hear that she is fine.First let me say how lucky are you to be able to pee standing up! LOL I only recently found out that they use Viagra for lung problems in premature babies. I was holding a sweet little baby girl while her nurse was administering her Viagra through her gastrostomy tube, long story short, she spilled it on my leg. Couldn't get the darn thing down all day!

 

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

LOL (Kahlua). I think you have a point :)

[KAHLUA]

Laurie, nuts don't fall to far from the tree!!!!!