Snakes on a Driveway! (Don't worry-No Pictures)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My title is supposed to be a takeoff of the movie, Snakes on a Planes, but in our case it was just one snake and it all happened at ground level.  Of course, if this whole thing were to be made into a Lifetime movie, since my kids told me Allison Janney’s character in Juno was me to a tee, I think I would want her to play my part.  The snake can be played by the real snake seen in our driveway and hopefully lured to Hollywood with the promise of more parts in scary movies and a cameo in Snakes on a Plane, The Sequel.  Here’s what happened.  When we were on vacation (this would have to be changed for the movie) my dog sitter told me that on one of the days she came by to pick up the dogs, as they played outside, she happened to look down and saw a large, black snake RIGHT NEXT TO MY VAN!  I couldn’t wait to tell John and then she told me that John and Hayley already knew about the snake. WTD!! When I called John at work, he stated that HE FORGOT TO TELL ME.  How would he like it if I forgot to tell him that I cleaned out the bank account and just purchased three tickets to Ireland for Laurie, Fudge, and Vern?  How would he like it if I forgot to tell him my mother was moving in with us and he had many fun filled nights ahead of him with her yelling, “John, I did something to the TV again and it isn’t working?”

Or what if I forgot to mention that the thought of a snake in our driveway makes me never want to cook again?  OK, that one was overkill, but I really want to never cook again.  He knows my propensity to scream out at the slightest movement seen with my peripheral vision or an unexpected touch late in the night. He also knows that I scream now and ask questions later and I should have been warned so I can remain on high alert and at the top of my game.  

 

Years ago, we were at the Toledo Zoo and in the reptile house. 

Don’t ask me why I agreed to go look because it makes me a nervous wreck.  Maybe we weren’t married yet and I was still in the “I want to like what you like,” stupid phase of our relationship.  I have since graduated to the “let’s not pretend anymore,” phase and it seems to suit me better. Anyway, we were walking along looking at reptiles and all of a sudden I felt something on the back of my leg.  I just knew one of the snakes had escaped and was slithering up the back of my leg and I screamed, “SNAKE,” and swung my purse around like I was winding up for a discus throw.  Imagine my surprise when my purse hit John and I realized he was the one who had touched the back of my leg FOR A JOKE.  Well, nothing livens up a snake house like a woman screaming and hitting people and a man who just realized this might not have been the smartest thing he had ever done and from the look on my face, it might be something not soon forgotten. I really have to say that snakes may be the number one thing on my hate list and I can’t even wear fake snakeskin shoes for fear in a momentary lapse of memory I will look down and break a leg trying to run away from my own feet.

As the dog sitter went on to explain the circumstances under which she had seen the snake in the driveway, it seemed that Fudge and Vern had been playing, just seconds before, right where he was on the driveway.  Luckily, they did not notice him or I am sure, Fudge would have been very interested and introduced herself.  When the sitter went to her car to get her camera and came back to the snake, it was gone….that quickly, in the blink of an eye. Two things concern me about this scenario, 1) The dog sitter went to the car to get a camera instead of a weapon of snake destruction and 2) THERE WAS A SNAKE IN MY DRIVEWAY!  Fudge and Vern were “this close” to danger and now that darn snake could be anywhere.  Oh, and please don’t tell me that snake is more afraid of me than I am of it, because I have never once heard a snake scream, “WOMAN,” when our paths have crossed.  It may be because I can’t hear anything over my own screams, but on a fear meter I am sure I set the thing to smoking long before the snake. It also gives me no comfort to have someone say that snakes are good for the environment and not to bother them and it is better to coexist with them.  I don’t care and I am sure Eve wished Adam had not used that argument with her and then the whole apple debacle could have been avoided.

I was almost recovered from Fudge coming out of the bushes with snakeskin in her mouth and John telling me some snakes go up into the trees and now I had one right in front of my car.  The tree business has me mowing the yard ducking and weaving under our trees and bushes and by the time I finish mowing the yard, I am exhausted from all the ups and downs.   John is lucky I am not mowing over his beloved hostas and flowers since I am looking upward instead of where I am supposed to be going. One of these days he is going to come home and find the mower and me in the fish pond.  My biggest fear is that Fudge or Vern will find a snake in the yard and pick it up and whether or not my strong love for them can win out over my extreme fear of snakes. I have my doubts and I would sure hate having to tell my family and friends that last time I saw Fudge and Vern they had a snake wrapped around them and all I did was scream and yell, “LAST ONE TO THE HOUSE IS A ROTTEN EGG!”  I asked John to get us a shotgun, but he said he doesn’t want to come home from work and find me holding some of those missionary people, who come up our driveway with their fancy pamphlets, at gunpoint and screaming, “when I say I am not interested, I am not kidding!” 

The other night I grilled John for the hundredth time to make sure I am in no danger of a snake finding its way into my car.  Sometimes, John has a tendency to say what I want to hear in order for the conversation to be over quicker, but he did tell me to close my duct at night and then he hugged me.  Since I don’t even know where my duct is located, I hugged him back, but I did add, “If that is a snake, my duct is closed!”  It is going to take a couple of weeks for me to feel less jumpy around the house. I find I am overreacting to the slightest movement and getting to my van from our house takes a long time.  All this tension and constant state of alertness has me on edge and is making me tired and when I hit my bed at night, I just want to sleep and forget about snakes. Someone did not read the memo and sidled up to me last night and I screamed, “garter snake!” He yelled back, “more like a boa constrictor,” which made me laugh and then I added, “either way, now all I can think about are snakes.”  He should have learned his lesson back at the Toledo Zoo.

P.S. Now for the squeamish......DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU ARE VERY BRAVE!

I KNEW YOU HAD TO LOOK :)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I'm hoping that it's Samuel Jackson that makes Tim like that movie so much, and we can bond over Pulp Fiction instead. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Jane. Yes, that phase was very short lived for us, too. It might have just been that one day at the zoo and then I decided it was over :) The guy who doesn't like fish in the water is ok with snakes all over a plane....go figure :) I think his room is the perfect viewing place for those movies. Maybe Tim and Karen can bond over one of those movies......for some reason this made me laugh :) LOL

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

"Maybe we weren’t married yet and I was still in the “I want to like what you like,” stupid phase of our relationship.  I have since graduated to the “let’s not pretend anymore,"..... this is my favorite "Laurie line" EVER.  I vaguely remember that phase myself...apparently it was long ago and very short lived.  I hate snakes too, and would be totally "creeped out".  Tim loves those "snake plane movies"....I make him watch in his room with the door closed.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, Thank you for appreciating that line :) I would have been packed and evacuated in minutes, too. John had snakes when he was younger and he said they got out often. I think one of his brothers "helped". Yikes...his poor mom.

DJ, Thank you! I would never post anything graphic about snakes. I know just how you feel. I hope the can didn't scare you too much :)

[DJ & Chance]

You captured my reaction to snakes perfectly.  Not in my yard, not in my dog's mouth, and not even skinned for shoes and handbags.  In fact, I almost didn't read this blog . . . LOL

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

"Oh, and please don’t tell me that snake is more afraid of me than I am of it, because I have never once heard a snake scream, “WOMAN,” when our paths have crossed."  I LOVE that part.  I so feel your pain.  I imagine that is why my boys only told me their snakes got out AFTER they had found them.  They knew that if I knew the snake was loose in the house, we would be packed and evacuated in two minutes flat!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, Oh, I love them and they match my bikini :) LOL I do think I need them to come up all the way to my eyes, however, so I can't even see the snake to begin with.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh shoot! We donated a pair of snake chaps to Goodwill right before we moved. What was I thinking?

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, you can always get a pair of these snake guards, they come in extra tall and they're even your favorite color. :>)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Pat, Glad to hear you are laughing :) I really do wish I was not afraid of them, but not enough to do something about it :)

Bonnie, Thank you! Glad to hear this screamer is in good company :) I wonder if Tina's dogs are still throwing those snakes around. LOL Don't worry....I am always on guard.