Sunday Musings

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

'Don't Tell Dad'

 

Twenty seven years ago I had a Four year old daughter Jessica, a baby son Jordan, a husband and a German Shepherd Chris.  tragedy struck our family when my baby son died, suddenly and unexpectedly on my first day back to work.  Jordan was 15 and a half weeks old and in the care of a lovely French Au Pair for just over two hours when I returned home to find him in his pram, not breathing and lifeless.  He was still warm and my frantic drive home was the result of a panic attack I had when I felt there was something terribly wrong.  Our family life changed from that moment on.  My husband was away in London on business and had to be told by phone and make the long and lonely journey home in shock.  I felt overwhelming grief coupled with enormous guilt.  After all I was his mother and I had failed to keep my baby alive.  I wanted someone to come and accuse me of murder.  I would happily have been lead in chains to a prison.  Instead everyone from my wonderful Family Doctor to the Police, friends and family told me what a wonderful mother I was and how SIDS (Crib death) could not be prevented or indeed understood.  My breasts filled with milk for the baby who was no longer there and Jessica who was four years old at the time must have been in shock and bewildered too.  She shared my guilt coming to tell me that she had caused Jordan to die when she had made him cry. " I bounced the baby chair too hard Mummy" she said.  " I must have bounced it too hard and that's why he died".

I remember sitting at the kitchen table, Chris at my feet and Jessica age four sitting opposite.  The house was full of people, family and friends and it was after the funeral which is still a total blur all these years later.  Jessica said to me.  "Mummy, look into my eyes"  I looked up at her.  "Now" she said, 'I want you to copy me.  When I smile, you smile too and I will look after you".  I've never forgotten that conversation and it was pivotal to the arrival of Maltese Terrier, Rosie into our family.  I remembered years earlier seeing a little girl carrying a Maltese Terrier in a basket and stored the memory and started the search for a Maltese terrier puppy to ease Jessica's pain.  Chris was my saviour and that dog walked with me day and night.  I literally walked away the grief with a wonderful companion at my side.  I found a puppy.  She was the runt of the litter and so very tiny.  I knew that my husband would never agree to a second dog.  We were struggling financially and times were stressful indeed but I did know this was the right move and that once he saw Jessica with the dog he would give in.   

I kept the secret until a few days before I was due to collect the puppy and I did something rather risky.  I told Jessica who at four was an extraordinary child.  I told her not to tell Daddy that she was getting a new puppy and that this was a secret she mustn't at any cost share.  The day came.  Jessica was in her bedroom, Chris was in the back garden and I was in the kitchen.  I heard the window in Jessica's bedroom opening and heard her shouting down to Chris.  'Chris, Chris, you're getting a new friend today"!!!!  Luckily my husband was out front and didn't hear anything.  

Rosie and Jessica were inseparable for a further 18 years.  Truly a therapy dog who came into our home at a very difficult time and who helped a little girl deal with the loss of her baby brother.

[Gayle Miller]

Nicky, Just reading your blog has enabled me to put into persepctive some of my current personal challenges!  The loss of one's baby....I can't even begin to  imagine!  You sound as though you are blessed with a beautiful, caring family and as they say, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree!  I believe your pup is due some time the end of April?  Sooo exciting!  I, too, feel as though I have researched and prepared as much as I possibly can...and now I wait for the litter's birth in mid May!  It will be a great summer for we two!

[Susan and Sasha]

Oh Nicky...

When I read your post...my heart broke for you and your family...

I am so sad and sorry that all of you suffered such a tremendous loss...and thankful for the great bond of love that you have as a family.

Your story of Rosie...bringing the love...joy and companionship that was needed at that time was heartwarming.

Thank you so much Nicky... for sharing your heart with us.

I'm so glad that you found DK...and are now part of this family...

[shelly]

Oh, Nicky!  I am so sorry you had to suffer such a tragic loss.  I can not even begin to know the pain you  must have gone through.  Your daughter was wise beyond her years... sometimes it's through children and our pets that we find the strength we never thought we would have.  I bet your daughter has grown into a very special women.  Thank you for trusting us with your story.  I am so glad you have joined Doodle Kisses!

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

It sounds like your daughter is (and was, at the age of 4) a very wise soul!  I am so sorry about the loss of your son so many years ago.

[Jena ~ Dublin]

Nicky, what a testimony of what love can do.  I am so thankful your daughter found Rosie,  I am sure to this day she has a love for dogs! 

[F, Calla & Luca]

How sad that you lost your son. It is good though that you can appreciate the way Rosie helped your daughter as Chris helped you and that you've gone on to lead a happy, contented life.

[Lorraine Bromley]

Your loss is tragic and I wish there was something to say. There isn't just know I feel for you. I am so happy that your remarkable four year old had the mother that she did, a mother who knew what her daughter needed before knowing what she herself needed. Such Love.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Thanks you for all your lovely comments.  There is not a day when I don't think of my baby but life is strange and since Jordan died I went on to have two more beautiful daughters.  I am a glass half full sort of person and can honestly say that even though I have had several challenges during my life so far, I am happy and very contented.  I have three wonderful daughters, one dog (soon to become two) a great ex husband who has remained my best friend and business partner and a brilliant partner.  (both my ex and partner arranged an enormous surprise 50th party last year in a combined conspiracy that I never copped onto!)

 

 I am so looking forward to my new puppy as are the whole family and am madly planning everything I possibly can.  Thanks for all your friendship and advice and of course a listening ear.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Thank you for sharing. Our pets can be such a healing comfort to us.

[Donna K & Quincy]

Nicky, thank you for sharing this incredibly sad and touching story. While no dog could ever replace a child, they hold special  place of love that is all their own and makes coping with such a loss bearable. Holding a wiggly little furball that is licking your face and is so excited to see you, makes it easier to cast off the sadness.