The Art of Peeing by Vernors Macaroni!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I try never to compare my children and I try never to compare my dogs.  I tell Vern all the time he is the smartest dog I know, but I always have my fingers crossed behind my back when I say it.  The only way that statement could be true was if Vern was the only dog I know.  Vern is a simple dog.  He is an easy dog to be around, because while another dog I know is trying to outfox me at every turn, Vern is content to stare over at the neighbor’s yard and try and determine if their scarecrow has come to life since the last time he stared at it and should he be concerned.  Most of the time he is undecided about his course of action, so he likes to hedge all his bets and bark, just in case.  He is always so proud of himself, wagging his tail, and looking at me as if to say, “you are always safe when I am around,” that sometimes I hesitate to say anything until the barking escalates to the point that I feel I must point out that the vicious creature he keeps warning us about daily has not moved in weeks.  I’d like to tell him to put the pieces of the puzzle together, but protecting us is Vern’s “thing” and he takes his job very seriously and I think puzzles for Vern might be like Geometry was for me.

It took Vern almost three years before he started lifting his leg to pee.  We made such a big deal out of it the first time I think we scared him.  I ran home to tell my daughter and even she was excited and this is the same person who I can zing with one of my best one liners and all she says is, “mom, that is dumb.”  I also stopped asking her years ago to critique my funny Christmas letter, because I would watch her read it and wait for a laugh or her expression to change.   When it didn’t happen, I would demand to know why she wasn’t laughing and get mad when she said, “I am laughing inside.”  Vern’s peeing on a tree made her laugh so we could all see it and I guess, in her mind, topped any story I had in my letter about her dad.  It isn’t like we now celebrate Vern’s Peeversary with party hats, balloons, and yellow colored drinks, but I do hear John say, “that’s my boy,” a lot when Vern lifts his leg.

 

The funny thing is on a scale of 1 to 10, I would probably only give Vern a 5 for mastering the art of peeing with timing and grace.  I have to deduct points for all the times I have to yank Fudge’s head out of the way when he decides right where she is smelling is where he would like to relieve himself.  Last week we had a couple of close calls and Fudge probably wonders why she keeps getting a correction whenever Vern starts to pee. 

He isn’t trying to mark her or dominate her or any of that stuff.  Vern just has bad aim and it probably never crosses his mind that Fudge’s head being there first could result in “urine head syndrome” when he lets loose.  The other thing he does is he will be right in the middle of peeing, something catches his eye, and instead of finishing his business, he will just continue it while he is moving toward the “something” resulting in peed upon legs.  You would think the wet feel of something hitting his feet would cause him to pause and reevaluate how he could have handled this situation better, but it never does and he continues his “pee as you go” method on almost all of our walks.  Vern is a mover and a shaker and sometimes, it seems, a splasher and a sprinkler.  He also will mark the same spot when Fudge is done with her business, but I have seen him mark the same spot where he went, too.  I will tell him he has already marked that spot and he just looks at me like he can’t be sure I am telling the truth and then hits it again.  I guess he figures a double dose of Vern is better than just one.

 

Last week, if I had filmed Vern peeing and sent it to Funniest Home Videos it would only have been a matter of time before Vern and I were sitting in the audience collecting our grand prize money.  Vern walked up to the tree, which was to the right of him, and lifted his left leg and peed away from the tree.  In other words, for those of you who are underthinkers like Vern, his back was to the tree and he was peeing in the opposite direction.  I don’t know if he was using the tree for balance or decided to combine a back scratch with the obvious, but he was proud as punch of himself by the time he finished.  Luckily, I was paying attention or I would have been the recipient of Vern’s liquid gift.  I won’t be surprised if he does more of this style of peeing in the future because I was laughing and whooping it up and I bet Vern thought he had just laid a golden egg.  My reaction made him happy and when I told him he was sure something, I thought he walked with a little extra spring in his step, but maybe he was just trying to avoid where he had just peed.

 

There are all kinds of words in the Thesaurus for dumb and I don’t really like any of them when talking about my Vern.  Simple was the best of the choices and I think that sums up Vern very nicely.  Vern is simple in that when he has to go potty, he doesn’t overthink the location or his technique.  When Vern wants to roll because it just feels good, he rolls.  He sees an opening on the couch and he doesn’t worry that all of him might not fit.  Space is not an issue for Vern and his motto has always been where there is a will, there is a way.  He lifts his paw in your direction and he expects love and affection in return.  When a chair is vacated, he sees an empty seat just waiting for him.  Putting a coat on means it is time for a walk and when you tell him otherwise, he is crushed.  If Fudge wants him to do something, he does it.  There is no plotting to overthrow her authority because Vern seems to know worker bees are just as important as the Queen. He is his own dog when he pees…sometimes a squat feels right, sometimes he lifts his leg the right way and sometimes he lifts his leg the wrong way.   Sometimes, he decides to go left when others go right.  He is just an easy dog, simple to have around, and simple to love.  My best advice to anyone looking for a dog is to pick a simple one, lower all your expectations, and laugh, because I really believe it is the simple ones that show you how life should be lived.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thank you, Janice and Doris!!

Karen, Thank you!! Vern is in good company with JD :)

[Janice Jones]

Simply the best Vern there ever was, is, or likely to be! Keep on being Vern.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

As a huge Vern fan as well as the owner of another "easy" dog, (JD is too quirky to be called "simple"), I think this might be my favorite of all your blogs. That last sentence really says it all. 

There are enough challenges in life. I appreciate that JD doesn't feel that I need more of them. 

And your big guy is right, a double dose of Vern is better than just one. 

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

I simply love you, Simple Vern!