Birds, Birds, and more Birds!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I walk my dogs every morning.  Lately, my neighbor has been walking with me and has taken to calling Fudge her part time dog. She loves both my dogs, but usually walks Fudge and I walk Vern.  All I have to say to Fudge and Vern is, “let me call Rhonda,” and the dogs race happily to the door.  We drive to the nearby State Park and until the campers show back up in April, we have the entire park almost to ourselves.  Because they also allow hunting in the park, we stay off the paths in the woods for now and walk around the camping sites and trails. 

 

The park is beautiful and we have seen deer, groundhogs, squirrels, and chipmunks.  Once, Fudge found a beautiful red fox tail and luckily for me, but not so much for the fox, the rest of him was missing.  In recent days, we have been noticing a lot of birds. My husband is the bird expert in our family and will often identify them as we are walking along. He loves to say, “There goes a Titmouse,” because it gets a giggle from me almost every time, and a “dad, you are disgusting,” if a daughter is along. Rhonda and I are more inclined to just say, “look at that yellow bird or that bird is big,” and never once have I said to her, “What a beautiful titmouse,” or vice versa. 

There is one bird, however, that I can identify very easily and it is the kind of bird I see often driving down the highway when there is a slow driver in the far left lane holding up traffic for miles.

Because I have been known to exhibit Type A behaviors while driving, several of my family members have mentioned that driving with me is rather unpleasant and if they had the choice between Cruella Deville and me as their chauffeur, they would go with her, unless she was off on a mission to steal 99 Dalmatians.  

I would like to say that maturity and wanting to set a good example for my children caused me to look inward and make a conscious decision to be a kinder and gentler and more understanding driver, but that would be a lie. It really had more to do with the fact that I decided there had to be a better way to calm myself before my heart rate levels reached Guinness World Records proportions. This decision also coincided with two incidents I had, including the day I once had the misfortune of waving my hand at a woman in the grocery store parking lot, in what I considered to be a caring gesture of concern for her lack of driving skills, only to hear my daughter say, “Real nice, mom! That lady used to be my third grade math teacher!”  The second misfortune happened at one of those round-a-bouts that always seems to elevate my blood pressure to stroke level and cause me to scream out loud, “the sign says Yield, moron,” and that time the moron was a neighbor. 

 

So, after that, I decided to play a game with myself while driving and came up with a much less offensive way to give someone the “bird” so to speak.  Now, when I see one of those dangerously slow drivers on the highway in front of me, I start rattling off bird names to call them within the confines of my car.  

If you have ever looked up a list of bird names on the computer, you can come up with some real doozies....a Blue-footed Booby could easily become a Slow-footed Booby,  a Great Bustard or a Lanecreeper needs no further explanation, a Hudsonian Godwit can readily become the name of anyplace with the word Nitwit added to the back end, (Baltimorian Nitwit), the Grey Go-Away Bird is now the Get-outta-my way Bird, and finally the Ring-Necked Duck is so obvious, Red-Necked Buck (fooled you on that one).  Sometimes, I just rattle them off in my head and other times, I yell them out loud until one of the passengers in the car says, “Could the Birdbrain in the car please shut her beak?”  How fun is it that my passengers play along and come up with some of their own great bird names for me?  So far, I have heard Old Crow and Ruffled Grouse.

 

This wasn’t the first great idea I had about how to express yourself in the car in a way that wouldn’t get me thrown into jail, but it was the first one I could play alone.  I had tossed around the idea of inventing a series of large flash cards that you could hold out for the offending driver to read, and I was going to call it either, “This Sign is For You….Read Between the Signs….or It Was Either This Sign or the Bird.”  

Before someone runs off to the Patent office with my idea, keep in mind that most states do not allow texting and driving and I am pretty sure the first officer at the scene of an accident is not going to want to hear, “since when is it a crime to hold a large sign out the window?” So, the only way this idea will work is if you have a cooperative passenger riding along with you and so far, that has been a bust for me.  The last time I found myself in this situation on the highway, without a ready to go sign, I told my daughter to quickly take out a piece of paper and write in big, bold letters, “the gas pedal is on the right, try pressing it down and see what happens, “ or if that was too long and complicated, just write, “Move it or lose it!”  It seemed like it was taking her forever to write the sign and when I explained that speed writing was essential if this method was going to work, all she did was hold up her fingers in the shape of a large L for Loser and point it directly at me.  Once the kinks have been ironed out, I am expecting to make a fortune off this idea and that kid is getting nothing when I do.

 

So, anyway, that kind of bird notwithstanding, I have been noticing a lot of birds lately overhead when my neighbor and I walk the dogs. At first, I thought it might be a hawk or an eagle, but then we started noticing there was more than one bird in the party and they were circling.  It is bad enough that I have been getting some weird emails including one from the Scooter Store and another one from a group called Senior People Meet Dating, which bills itself as the spot for Mature Singles. I have no idea how they got my name, but I do know when I told my husband about the dating service, he said it took them long enough to contact me.  On top of all that, on the same day an AARP card showed up in the mail, my neighbor and I again looked up in the sky to see a group of vultures following us.  Finding that a little unnerving, I waved my fist in the air and shouted, “move on, we are not dead, we just walk slowly,” and instead I got the eerie feeling they were talking amongst themselves and saying things like, “Old People Walking,” just like the guards said to Sean Penn in that movie about an inmate on death row.

 

If that isn’t enough, last weekend my husband and I left to take the dogs for a walk, and I looked up before getting in our car, and approximately ten Vultures were up in our tree staring back at me. 

Some of them, had their wings extended and my husband said not to worry, because they were only sunning themselves, but again, I got a feeling like those were the ones holding the others back and saying, “ I thought it was a carcass too, but it seems to be moving.”  Now, for those of you wondering what in the heck is the point of this blog, I will just sum it up by saying, “I guess no matter what kind of birds you see in the day, whether it be one fingered or several creepy ones flying over head, your best bet is to keep moving.”

P.S. Despite what my critics say, my dogs never look like this when they drive somewhere with me! Another reason why I love Fudge and Vern!

 

 

 

 

[Leslie and Halas]

Maybe you could just flash pictures of birds at the other drivers. You would still be giving them the bird, and you wouldn't have to rely on your daughter to write signs for you.

I used to get a lot of speeding tickets.  In Illinois, if you get 3 speeding tickets in a year, they take away your license.  There were many times I was driving on 2 tickets, counting the days until one of them got by the one year mark.  Then I could speed again!  If I came home and told my parents I got a ticket, my mom would say, "Leslie...." with a very disapproving tone, and then glare at my dad.  And my dad would giggle and excitedly ask, "How fast were you going?!"  So I guess I got my driving habits from him.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Ha, Doris.  I bet her husband has though  :)

I love the game and have every version they have put out on my phone and computer.

When I was 16 I flipped off a " Hells Angel" while driving a brand new car.   Once I came to the stop sign, I was greeted at the driver's window with a billy club.  29 dents in the car and all the windows broken out. 

They realized, finally, I was a young girl.   He apologized and then made me promise to never flip the bird while driving again.   I never  have   :)

So when my children were young, I would cuss in Greek.  This is how they were taught to cuss in a foreign language.  You just can't win while driving.

I really hate to see you on the bike trail this Spring. I'm staying the heck out of your way

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

I wonder if Laurie has ever played the game "Angry Birds?" I know there's an iPhone and iPad app!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Oh Laurie, I'm the one going the speed limit (and occasionally under).  I've been the "victim" of many bird sightings from people just like you who for some reason are annoyed with my slow very careful driving.  I can usually be found in the "slow drivers keep right" lane which is okay until you have to merge back into traffic....that's when there's always a bird or two flying around.  My DH went to the same driving school as you...in fact he could have written this blog.  He even drives like this when we're going out for a leisurely "road trip" with the Doods.  We are in no hurry on these trips....we're just driving, so I can't figure out why he feels the need to drive like we're in the Datona 500.  I do tend to nag remind him often that there are precious Doodles on board, and his driving should reflect that.  In the past he would say things like "okay well then why don't YOU drive".  Those days are over though, because I've taken him up on that offer a few times and he came dangerously close to a nervous breakdown....I could tell by all that sweat on his forehead.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

SIGNS, SCHMIGNS? 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Who knew you practically are a charter member of the Audubon Society? I was sure you were going to show us the infamous angry bluebird:

I imagine you look like this at times while driving. Thanks for another fun blog. Safe trip tomorrow. Love to mom.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, I hope my kids do not read this blog and comment. They may have a different version of my driving habits and I have a DD that takes after me, as well :) Yes, I agree...I need my own lane...LOL!!

Doris, OK, Doris....I think you forgot that comma again...Slow, Adults Walking :) LOL

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

WOW, I am now wondering how we are all related!

It would seem that I am always behind the only person who has no place else to be but in my way in front of me, so after witnessing my usual self through listening to my daughter as she drove one day (on blue tooth)...I realized I passed on the " I am the only one worthy of being on the road" gene and I too have decided to maintain an even keel while driving.

My new standard is "hey, nobody dies if I am 10 minutes late". Much like a smoker who quit, I am super self righteous now and aware of my families bad driving habits and postal behavior on the road.

I'd much rather be walking with the birds than seeing them on the road.

Another entertaining moment brought to us by Laurie!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

All this talk about signs makes me think about a sign in our neighborhood that read "SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY." I always thought that a comma was needed after the word SLOW, or did it mean there were not-so-bright kids around? That sign was up for years and only recently removed. I really struggled with it, lol!

Maybe your neighborhood needs one that reads "SLOW ADULTS WALKING!" (just thinking out-loud, lol)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jennifer, I don't like what you are implying about the vultures.....LOL!!!

Ricki, I think you need to carry an umbrella and walk in a zig zag. It will be harder for them to hit you :)

Deanna, Spiral Bound....now, that is a great idea :) I think I might just need one sign that says, "get outta my way!" LOL

Donna, LOL