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The last time I joined Weight Watchers I lasted four days on the diet.  I could have gone longer, but my family begged me to quit.  Apparently they did not like my attitude and they liked even less my comments about the food I was eating.  I get surly and mean when I am on a diet and I am just as likely to yell out, “eat this, buddy!” instead of “I love watching my calorie intake,” when someone asks me how my diet is going.  The whole concept of a diet makes me mad at my parents for giving me bad genes and at my kids for not understanding that losing the baby weight can take decades and they are mostly to blame for my fuller figure.  Usually when I diet on my own, the plan consists of starting on a Monday, so I have the weekend to eat anything I might miss on my diet, and usually is over by Wednesday when I declare it is not working and I will try again next Monday.  So far, I have not lost enough weight to market this plan, but I do enjoy the weekends.

 

Fudge and Vern got groomed the other day and I had high hopes that Vern would look less “fluffy” when I picked them up.  The grooming helped a little, but lately I have been noticing that he has put on a little weight. Fudge is built like Kelly Ripa and the only way I can tell them apart is Fudge doesn’t have a talk show where she sits around and talks about needing to watch her weight and feeling bloated, while wearing a size 0 dress.

Nothing irks me more than skinny people acting like they “get it” when all they would have to do is sneeze to make their optimum weight.  Vern, on the other hand, is at the stage now where he would need to cough up an actual lung to see that needle go down on the scale.  I feel for him because I know we are supposed to be able to find ribs, but that is going to require a “search team” for both of us.

 

Luckily, we have a plan that makes Vern happy.  With the cooler temperatures and the nearby campground closing soon, we can resume our long walks at the park.  We all love the drop in temperatures for just this reason and we have also devised some “wind sprint drills” for Vern.  Basically, John and I stand a good ways apart and have Vern run back and forth between the two of us. 

So far, he seems to think this is great fun and I hope he never has that light bulb moment when he stops and says to himself, “wait a minute….what is the point of all this running?” Right now, he runs with a smile on his face and sometimes wipes the smile right off my face when I see him barreling towards me at full speed.  Fudge gets to run these drills, too, but she always turns around to make sure Vern is not hot on her heels, because Vern has a tendency to not see objects in his path and plow right though them.  She also may do the “wind sprint drill” ONCE before seeming to declare it a no-go and just plain dumb. 

Oh sure, she comes, especially if she is attached to a long lead and has no choice, but she makes sure to walk as slowly as possible to express her extreme disinterest in the entire process.  The other glitch we recently experienced was Vern, my dog who almost always listens when off leash, decided that running to me was not as interesting as running over to the neighbor’s yard to check out their cat.  I was forced to run behind him screaming, “Vern, get back here!” and can only surmise that Vern was giving me a taste of my own exercise medicine.

 

In the hopes of helping Vern lose weight, I also decided to get tricky the other night and re-introduce him to green beans.  The last time I tried it, Fudge ate a few, but Vern left his untouched or had them in his mouth long enough to spit them out discreetly in some other location other than his food bowl in the kitchen.  I found them in several locations all around our house; some with my feet, in what I can only think was a silent protest against green beans by Vern.   Well, the other night, I decided to mix the green beans in with some chicken and sweet potato, which just happens to be two of Vern’s favorite things. In fact I have caught him humming…”chicken sans bone and potatoes au gratin, bright candy wrappers that my dad has forgotten, brown paper food bags tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things,” on several occasions.

 

John was thoroughly confused when he saw me cooking and even more so when I mixed it all up in two bowls.  First he said, “what is that new dish called?” and then when I said, “dog food,” he said, “thank goodness, I thought it was our anniversary or something!” There is something so sad about a man who would probably eat chicken, sweet potato, and green bean all mixed up in a bowl and think his wife’s cooking abilities have improved.  Well, I made a big deal out of the two bowls and let Fudge and Vern know they were eating like royalty and placed the bowls on the floor, even though John asked if he should set two more place settings for them at the dinner table.  Fudge started eating right away and pushed aside the green beans at first, but then decided to go back and eat them.  Vern, on the other hand, looked at the bowl like I would look at a bowl if someone had mixed ice cream and hot fudge with a broccoli topper and expected me to eat it.  He finally figured out he could work around the green beans to just eat the stuff he liked and that is exactly what he did and I have to believe that is what I would have done with my broccoli sundae. It also brought back fond memories of Hayley when she was very young and had to have a test that required she drink some barium.  The nurse made the mistake of telling her it tasted just like French fries and Hayley fell for it ONCE and put the stuff in her mouth and promptly spit it back out.  After that, no amount of cajoling or begging could get that child to take another sip and I am sure Vern would have done the same with a green bean shake.

 Vern's Bowl!

The thing I do not understand is Vern has never been a dog of discerning taste. He races into my car every day to see if he can find a Kleenex to eat.  He will drink out of the toilet if we forget to keep the lid down.  I have seen him eat mud and sticks. I had to throw a flowering pot out I had right outside my door, because I couldn’t get him to stop drinking from it.  I couldn’t get it through his head that the clean water dish was his drinking water and not the water that had pooled at the bottom of a potted plant.  Can anyone say giardia and the thought of following Vern around with a heavy duty Chinet paper plate was not something I felt I ever wanted to do. A bug on the floor is fair game to Vern, yet he draws the line at green beans. Go figure! The one food that could help him lose weight easily if he just would eat it. I also have to laugh because the night Vern would not eat all of his supper, John said, “I wonder if you put a little butter on the green beans, if that would help?” I could just see Karen’s face if I asked if butter was an acceptable kibble topper in the Food Group.

Sadly, I had to explain to John that butter was not often used when trying to lose weight, but I liked his train of thought and I told him I would hire him in a heartbeat to be my dietary coach.  Meanwhile, we are back to square one with Vern and have increased his exercise each day.  Like I tell him, we’ll get there, and it’s not our fault we are under tall for our weight.  Of course, when you are pushing 5’12” it gets a little hard to believe sometimes.

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Comment by Cheryl and Finnegan on October 10, 2013 at 7:08pm

ROTFL!  I feel so much better knowing Vern has never been a chrysanthemum (TG for spell check) but if you've bought him his own motorcycle for Halloween, I think Haley needs to commit you LOL

Comment by Jennifer and Jack on October 10, 2013 at 7:06pm
Love...true to ,y word I didn't dress Jack..I did put Mickey Mouse ears on him ...no outfit though.
Comment by Laurie, Fudge, and Vern on October 10, 2013 at 6:58pm

Karen, Vern wants you to know he still fits in his costume :)

Oh, and he also wants you to know he has never been a chrysanthemum and this year's costume is very, VERY studly :) LOL He is a motorcycle Dood!

Comment by Laurie, Fudge, and Vern on October 10, 2013 at 6:55pm

Joanna, Ben sounds pretty smart, too :)

Sharon, I would blame it all on your DH when you go to the vet's :) Sometimes, I would love two lazy dogs. Thanks!!

Carol, You are not the first person to call John a saint :) LOL Thank you....writing calms me :)

Pat, I hope you feel better soon. Next time, dodge that dog....move to the left or the right :)

Jennifer, The nerve of Dr. Dreamy :) Vern and I cannot blame steroids for our weight gain. We have no excuse.

Lisa, Lucky Daisy...again, just like Fudge :)

BG, YUM....that is how I like my green beans, too. Happy Thanksgiving!

Comment by Laurie, Fudge, and Vern on October 10, 2013 at 6:49pm

Jarka, Two weeks on a diet is pretty good in my book :) LOL I like the way you put it...putting Vern on a diet has to be easier than putting myself on a diet :)

Thanks, Lori and F!

Beverly, I would love to say all my clothes in my closet are the same size, but that would be a lie :) I have one pair of jeans and when they fit snugly, I know it is time to diet. That time is now...LOL! Your idea about the long leads is a good one. Can't wait until the nearby campground closes and all the people go home. Thanks!

Comment by Jarka, Monty & Auggie on October 10, 2013 at 6:31pm

Yum, BG, that's how I like my green beans as well.

Costumed and proud we are here as well! No naked doodles left behind!

Comment by BG and Gavin on October 10, 2013 at 6:00pm

Here is how I like my green beans Vern.  In fact I will be making them for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend!

Comment by Lisa, Daisy & Dexter on October 10, 2013 at 5:08pm

Daisy says pooh pooh on green beans too but she does not need to lose, her Mom on the other hand...

Karen, back off - we are costumed and proud!!!!!! ha ha

Comment by Jennifer and Jack on October 10, 2013 at 4:29pm
Yup! Even the new vet Dr Dreamy said he would like to see Jacks "body habbitus " change.....he after staying with my mom for two and half weeks put on a whole pound after we were doing so well...he is back to 18 pounds and vet wants him at 15.......

Jack does the same thing with his green beans! He eventually ate them out of desperation but. Both Jack and I need to,lose weight ....we blame the steroids!!!! We need to tone and build muscle.
Comment by Carol and Banjo on October 10, 2013 at 4:12pm

ROTFL Karen!!!

 

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