The Perils of Christmas Shopping!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

The other night,  I went Christmas shopping. All I needed was a couple of gift cards and most of my shopping would be done. The last store on my list was BJ’s for a phone card for my mom. If you are thinking how much fun it would be to get a gift from me, I am just getting my mom what she wants every single year.  All she ever wants is postage stamps, phone cards, gift cards, or cold hard cash. If you make the mistake of trying to pick out something fun and different, she gives you the speech about having too much stuff and not having room for anything else.  One year I got her zebra sheets because A) she likes zebra prints and B) it just made me laugh to think about an 80 plus woman having zebra sheets. It wasn’t nearly as fun returning them as it was purchasing them.

 

I try to comply with her wishes and that is why I was up at BJ’s picking out the phone card when suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing there was a free gift back between aisle 19 and the meat section. They even had a flashing blue light to guide you to the correct location.  Well, as soon as I heard “free gift” and “hurry back before they were all gone” I knew if I had to hurdle the entire shelf of books and three toddlers in a stroller, that free gift was mine. I increased my walking pace from a lazy saunter to an “I couldn’t move faster if the aisle was lined in Hershey kisses” pace and was soon back at the correct location with about fifteen other people.

 

I quickly noticed a display with a large cutting board and bins of fruits and vegetables. I hoped I didn’t shout out “what a rip off!” if after all the effort I made to get there, I was only leaving with an onion or something.  Pretty soon, here comes a guy who launches into a spiel and starts talking about our free gift and opening this blue container and shutting it like he is getting ready to pass out a Cuisinart to each one of us and then finally hands us all a small cutting tool.  He starts showing us all the neat things it can do and never mind that I hate to cook and there is not a chance in hell, I will ever make a fruit salad housed in the middle of a hollowed out cantaloupe, I continued to listen and started to feel like I was holding the Hope Diamond in my hand.

 

Next up, was the Chef’s Envy and I realized that little free cutting tool was just a ploy to reel you in for the kill.  The salesman started cutting onions, tomatoes, cabbage, and carrots, into neat little pieces right before our eyes. It was obvious that the Chef’s Envy was a guillotine for fruit and vegetables and despite the fact, that I own a Cuisinart, a mini-chopper, a Pampered Chef chopper, and paring knives, I knew I needed to add this to my arsenal on the off chance that one day, someone in my family turned to me and said, “how about a salad tonight with small, meticulously pieces of a variety of vegetables thrown in for fun?’ and I didn’t respond back in my usual way, “Who do I look like to you? Martha Stewart?” and actually attempted to make the salad.

 

Watching this guy demonstrate the Chef’s Envy gave me the same feeling I get when I see an infomercial for any kind of cooking aid on TV. I am convinced if I buy this tool, I will start to like to cook and be able to make amazing dishes and soon earn a spot on The Chew demonstrating my best dishes, which to date usually involves hamburger and a can of Manwich. Unfortunately, this theory has not proved correct up to this point and a Magic Bullet, Cuisinart pie maker, Panini maker, Jack LaLanne Juicer, and various other unused kitchen items are sitting on my shelf gathering dust.  I am no quitter, though, and I am sure my new Chef’s Envy is going to make all the difference in the world and luckily, because I was in a state of euphoria at the demonstration, my son-in-law is getting one for Christmas too, along with the amazing caddy that prevents you from chopping off your own fingers when handling this amazing tool.  I knew my daughter would not appreciate a gift that landed her husband in the ER while trying to make Stir-Fry.

 

When I came in from shopping and showed my husband and daughter my early Christmas present to me and told them that some great salads were in their future, all my husband said was, “I will clear another area in the pantry.”   My daughter said, “Mom, the last salad you made me, you dumped lettuce from a bag into a bowl,” and I answered back, “that is precisely why I bought this little baby.” I could tell by the shakes of their head that they thought my purchase was a big mistake and that is precisely why I prefer to shop alone.  If one of them had been with me, I am sure they would have been saying stuff like….”you don’t cook….didn’t I take one of those to Goodwill a few months ago?….stop buying crap you never use,” as I handed over my credit card and who needs that when shopping.  If I wanted to hear that, I would listen to my Good Angel more.

Meanwhile, my neighbor just told me about the Yonanas Frozen Treat maker and I have been considering asking for a Food Dehydrator for Christmas so I can make all of Fudge and Vern’s treats.  I can see it all so clearly in my head. Wholesome treats for Fudge and Vern, pounds melting away because of all the great salads I make every night, and a frozen banana treat for dessert. Now, I just have to make a promise to myself to take the stuff out of the boxes.

[Pat and Traveler]

Ha,ha,ha,ha...wonderful blog, Laurie!  Most recently, I got one of the Yoshi knives, thanks to the TV commercial.  It really is a cool knife, at least compared to all the sadly dull blades of the other kitchen knives..

[Sharon & Monty]

oh yeah, I will take up baking the cookies.  :)\

[Sharon & Monty]

a side note, I've made my daughter swear that if she has children *they live 8 hours away in a foreign land called Boston"  If she should have children they must come to grandmas house in the country every summer."  she said ok...........ha ha. Now I wait for the grandchildren.   :)

[Bonnie and Kona]

I cannot even lift the ladder because we were sure to buy the extra long (and heavy) one. I do not understand the penchant for buying the stuff we know we will never need. It's a sickness or something. Or the evils of advertising. I don't know.

[Sharon & Monty]

@Laurie, I used to be the cookie queen.  I just dont have an audience at this time, so I save myself the time and effort and simply drink wine.  I'm very hopeful I end up useful to the younger ones and that the bitch my daughter spawns and moves closer to her MOTHER. She is now 25 and moving closer to being an adult, I continue to be hopeful.  

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sharon, I am glad you found your Christmas cookies at BJ's :) They do have everything there...LOL! The trouble is I do bake cookies and then I eat them and I don't need them. I need to stop...maybe next year...LOL!

Bonnie, I have seen that ladder demonstration, but for me, it is the cooking stuff that gets me and I HATE to cook. I can't explain it :) Hopefully, now that you know it is useful, you will use it enough to make it worth the money. I just need to learn to turn the TV off before I let them get to me...LOL!! Thank you for the nice comment!!

[Sharon & Monty]

my  DH said something about a juicer this christmas season.  i laughed and laughed, I think he was insulted.  really?

[Bonnie and Kona]

Laurie, I have been gone all day. I should have stayed at home and read your blog. It was way more FUN! I am a sucker, too. One morning I was watching an infomercial with my husband. We ordered a ladder that was supposed to do everything but wash the dishes. I bought it for a mere $400. Boy do I wish I had that money now! My husband never once took it out of the garage for five years. He used it for the first time this fall cleaning the gutters. He was quite surprised to discover it was actually useful. ugh. Clearly we did not need that thing. sigh

[Sharon & Monty]

Hey, speaking of cookies, I dont do that anymore.  We just dont eat them much, nor do we have enough visitors to make my worthwhile. Some of you will recall that I made literally tons of cookies in my past life, so I really dont care. HOWEVER, I bought an awesome assortment of cookies. most of them dipped in chocolate, in a real tin box at BJ'S!   WHOO HOO! I love BJ's!   lol  Now we have christmas cookies.  

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, You are my kind of guest :) I do bake cookies!!