The Perils of Christmas Shopping!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

The other night,  I went Christmas shopping. All I needed was a couple of gift cards and most of my shopping would be done. The last store on my list was BJ’s for a phone card for my mom. If you are thinking how much fun it would be to get a gift from me, I am just getting my mom what she wants every single year.  All she ever wants is postage stamps, phone cards, gift cards, or cold hard cash. If you make the mistake of trying to pick out something fun and different, she gives you the speech about having too much stuff and not having room for anything else.  One year I got her zebra sheets because A) she likes zebra prints and B) it just made me laugh to think about an 80 plus woman having zebra sheets. It wasn’t nearly as fun returning them as it was purchasing them.

 

I try to comply with her wishes and that is why I was up at BJ’s picking out the phone card when suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing there was a free gift back between aisle 19 and the meat section. They even had a flashing blue light to guide you to the correct location.  Well, as soon as I heard “free gift” and “hurry back before they were all gone” I knew if I had to hurdle the entire shelf of books and three toddlers in a stroller, that free gift was mine. I increased my walking pace from a lazy saunter to an “I couldn’t move faster if the aisle was lined in Hershey kisses” pace and was soon back at the correct location with about fifteen other people.

 

I quickly noticed a display with a large cutting board and bins of fruits and vegetables. I hoped I didn’t shout out “what a rip off!” if after all the effort I made to get there, I was only leaving with an onion or something.  Pretty soon, here comes a guy who launches into a spiel and starts talking about our free gift and opening this blue container and shutting it like he is getting ready to pass out a Cuisinart to each one of us and then finally hands us all a small cutting tool.  He starts showing us all the neat things it can do and never mind that I hate to cook and there is not a chance in hell, I will ever make a fruit salad housed in the middle of a hollowed out cantaloupe, I continued to listen and started to feel like I was holding the Hope Diamond in my hand.

 

Next up, was the Chef’s Envy and I realized that little free cutting tool was just a ploy to reel you in for the kill.  The salesman started cutting onions, tomatoes, cabbage, and carrots, into neat little pieces right before our eyes. It was obvious that the Chef’s Envy was a guillotine for fruit and vegetables and despite the fact, that I own a Cuisinart, a mini-chopper, a Pampered Chef chopper, and paring knives, I knew I needed to add this to my arsenal on the off chance that one day, someone in my family turned to me and said, “how about a salad tonight with small, meticulously pieces of a variety of vegetables thrown in for fun?’ and I didn’t respond back in my usual way, “Who do I look like to you? Martha Stewart?” and actually attempted to make the salad.

 

Watching this guy demonstrate the Chef’s Envy gave me the same feeling I get when I see an infomercial for any kind of cooking aid on TV. I am convinced if I buy this tool, I will start to like to cook and be able to make amazing dishes and soon earn a spot on The Chew demonstrating my best dishes, which to date usually involves hamburger and a can of Manwich. Unfortunately, this theory has not proved correct up to this point and a Magic Bullet, Cuisinart pie maker, Panini maker, Jack LaLanne Juicer, and various other unused kitchen items are sitting on my shelf gathering dust.  I am no quitter, though, and I am sure my new Chef’s Envy is going to make all the difference in the world and luckily, because I was in a state of euphoria at the demonstration, my son-in-law is getting one for Christmas too, along with the amazing caddy that prevents you from chopping off your own fingers when handling this amazing tool.  I knew my daughter would not appreciate a gift that landed her husband in the ER while trying to make Stir-Fry.

 

When I came in from shopping and showed my husband and daughter my early Christmas present to me and told them that some great salads were in their future, all my husband said was, “I will clear another area in the pantry.”   My daughter said, “Mom, the last salad you made me, you dumped lettuce from a bag into a bowl,” and I answered back, “that is precisely why I bought this little baby.” I could tell by the shakes of their head that they thought my purchase was a big mistake and that is precisely why I prefer to shop alone.  If one of them had been with me, I am sure they would have been saying stuff like….”you don’t cook….didn’t I take one of those to Goodwill a few months ago?….stop buying crap you never use,” as I handed over my credit card and who needs that when shopping.  If I wanted to hear that, I would listen to my Good Angel more.

Meanwhile, my neighbor just told me about the Yonanas Frozen Treat maker and I have been considering asking for a Food Dehydrator for Christmas so I can make all of Fudge and Vern’s treats.  I can see it all so clearly in my head. Wholesome treats for Fudge and Vern, pounds melting away because of all the great salads I make every night, and a frozen banana treat for dessert. Now, I just have to make a promise to myself to take the stuff out of the boxes.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Well, I have a mandolin slicer, potato ricer, rarely used Cuisinart, little food prep thingies, silicon gloves, and silicon picker upper things, all things I had to have. I do actually use the latter to wring out batches of tea bags when I make a big batch of iced tea. Every now and again I'll see an infomercial for some miracle kitchen and remind myself of the folly in all that. But Carol's idea for Laurie holding a party for us, that sounds good. Now why was I renting a huge vehicle to pick you up Laurie< right, I think Karen's daughter was making a fabulous Thanksgiving meal. Now we van all meet at your house instead.

[BG and Gavin]

I was on the edge of my seat all the way through...no Laurie, don't do it...I kept screaming at my computer screen.  But alas, you did not hear me.  :(  I feel a case of sympathetic buyers remorse coming on... I better pull out my Ginsu knives, Pampered Chef cheese grater, pizza stone and silicon oven mitts and start prepping my appies for a party tonight!!

[Carol and Banjo]

Great post Laurie....as always!     There's always one line in your blogs that puts me over the edge....your "state of euphoria" did it to me this time.   I can almost picture you standing there with a glazed look....maybe an accidental bit of dribble running from the edge of your mouth....

May I suggest that with all of these great gadgets you ought to consider hosting a DK extravaganza dinner party....you know....with all the fixings prepared with one of your many do-dads and we can all ohhh and ahhh in appreciation for your fine creations!

[F, Calla & Luca]

What I like most about your blogs is that I can always identify with them and they make me see the humor in otherwise aggravating situations.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Your timing for this great blog could not be more perfect. The sons are coming to dinner with their SOs and I am wondering what I was thinking? I have just started taking people out to dinner. The GD turkey leaked all over the fridge and I just bleached everything to a fare thee well. The turkey went in the pan out on the porch, it's refrigerator temp. out there. Then I sat down to read the responses to the "What time are you coming email?", I sent out last night. They both plan on coming between 7 and 7:30 so all the "before hands" may not even be served. But who even knew there was a Cuisinart pie maker. Luckily I don't have one : ) Forget the salads, go out!

[Camilla and Darwin]

LOL, this reminds me of some of my family members. They can not resist a door to door salesman or TV special device....(magic bullet anyone?)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Thank you, Laurie! In addition to giving me a much-needed laugh, this blog strengthened my resolve to remain a non-cook! And now I have an excuse: "Of course I can cook, I just don't have roon for the tools I need to do it!"  

[Leslie and Halas]

The knife sounds great, but can it cut through a can, and then slice neatly through a tomato?

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Oh Laurie, thank you for this blog!  I really needed it this morning.  I have a million things to do today, and I so wanted to start the "crazyness" with a good laugh .  You never disappoint!  I tend to be a "gadget queen" too.  We have shelves set up in the basement to hold them....I think someday they'll come in handy.