The Polar Vortex!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

This Polar Vortex thing is starting to tick me off.  I don’t really understand it all, but I tend to base my opinions on how something affects my little world and me and so far, I am not happy.  I take after my mom in this regard.  Indiana could be experiencing the worst drought in history and Hoosiers could be lining up with buckets for water at rationing stations and all she would say if it started to rain was, “I have the worst luck.  Why does it always rain when I am going to get my hair done?”  This winter has been like going out for dinner with my husband…where do you want to go?....I don’t care….what sounds good?....I don’t know. Make up your mind already! Is it winter? Is it Spring?  Is it cold? Is it warm?  All I know is, with all these weird weather patterns, my yard is now a muddy mess and that translates to muddy paws and muddy floors.  Within a 24-hour time span I have been outside walking the dogs with my full on Eskimo ensemble and later stripping off the layers and complaining about how hot I am on our next walk. 

 

The Friday I scheduled the dog’s grooming appointment for, I woke up to freezing rain.  My groomer has an exceptionally long gravel driveway that goes downhill in a windy sort of fashion. If I survived the trip down, my van would never get back up that hill in bad weather.  When your cream colored dog is brown, on the grooming meter that corresponds to desperation.  I knew Friday was a bust, but I asked my groomer if she could reschedule them for Saturday and wisely ignored part of her text back that said she could do it and she hoped they were not in too bad of shape. 

What exactly did she mean by too bad of shape?

Let’s just say I confirmed the appointment and decided that by the time she determined what shape they were in, I could hopefully be back up that driveway.  The normal drive down her driveway is like one of those zoo Safari rides.  Folks, off to your left are goats….look right to see guinea hens and roosters….just up ahead is a goat protecting dog…over there we have a couple of horses and if we get lucky, we may see the resident llama….close call there, folks, we almost hit a cat.  In other words, on a good day, the trip down the driveway could be hell with my boisterous passengers, BUT they are usually on their best behavior hoping they will be rewarded at the end of the driveway with me doing a U-turn and forgetting to drop them off.  After the grooming, and on the way back up the driveway, they make sure to double their efforts and make up for their lack of barking on the way down.

 

Well, on Saturday, the temperature was in the 40’s, so I assumed my van would have no problem and continued feeling that false sense of hope right up until the time I turned into the driveway and skidded into the grass and ended up facing in the opposite direction.  I have never been good at admitting defeat so I called John and asked him to come get the dogs and take them the rest of the way down the driveway and I let him know I would be in the van at the top of the driveway spinning my tires and raising my fists skyward.  Luckily, before John got there I had excavated myself by backing across the icy driveway and then going straight up the groomer’s grassy slope.  I figured it was my van or her grass and I really like my van. When John arrived, we transferred the grooming candidates and I hopped in for our swift ride down the long driveway.  Unfortunately, things did not go as planned and John’s car slipped on the ice at the top of the drive and he declined to go any further.  John is a thoughtful planner and I am far more impulsive and despite my cries of “just go and we will figure out later how to get back up,” he opted to get out of the car and take a look down the rest of the driveway and then declared it impassable.  That left us with Plan B…someone had to walk two reactive dogs down that sporadically icy driveway, past the zoo, and pray they survived. 

Where you guys going?

As luck would have it, John and I did not have to play “Rock, Paper, Scissors,” for the honors because it was at that precise point that the neighbor, who shares a driveway with my groomer, decided she was getting up that driveway come hell or high water and a little thing like John’s car in her path was not going to stop her.  I told John to go deal with his car before the woman pushed it along with her vehicle and I opted to take the dogs down. It seemed as if timing and fate had chosen our roles for us and then misfortune showed up to throw in a final twist and the heavens opened up and it began to pour.

 

A lesser woman would have quit at this point and called it a day, but I kept walking.  We went past the goats and the goat-protecting dog and I can only surmise that the dogs were in such a state of disbelief that their grooming appointment was still on that they didn’t make a peep.  The rain didn’t scare me as badly as the thought of those damn guinea hens making an appearance.  I hate those hens, because every time I go down or up that driveway they walk directly in front of my car and by walk, I mean saunter. It is like they think their role is to escort every customer to the shop’s door and make sure everyone is obeying some kind of very slow speed limit.  “Confused as a bunch of guinea hens” should be a catch phrase on everyone’s tongue and used as the ultimate insult when encountering dumb people.  I actually looked up what a bunch of hens would be called and believe it or not the correct answer is "A confusion of guinea fowl," and I can honestly say if you ever had a bunch of these nitwits walking in front of your car, you would know why. They bob and weave and go in exactly the direction that makes no sense if they want to continue to live and not get run over by a large, blue van.  It is the same dazed, dumb, and confused look I see in the eyes of some customer in the Dollar store who goes up to the register with a miscellaneous item in hand and asks the clerk, “How much is this?”  From here on out, I am going to assume one of their ancestors did something unspeakable with a guinea hen and their DNA reads fowl.  

I believe his great, great, great, great grandmother was a guinea hen!

By this point, I had also decided that if those hens showed up and taunted my dogs down the driveway, I really did not care if we walked into the grooming shop soaking wet and each dog had a guinea hen in his or her mouth.  I was just going to say, “Isn’t this weather fowl?” and proceed to tell her how I wanted the dogs groomed as if nothing was amiss.

 

Finally, luck made an appearance that day, and the hens stayed out of sight and we all arrived in one piece, albeit slightly wet.  The groomer said she would be happy to groom me, too, but I left the dogs and opted to ride up the driveway with her husband in a huge truck and meet John up at the top.  What does all this have to do with Polar Vortex?  Who knows, except one day it is freezing and cold and the next day it is warmer and fools you into thinking you can make it down an extra long driveway.  When it starts affecting my dog’s grooming appointments and makes me look like a drowned rat, then we got trouble. Big trouble!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Bonnie, I agree....I am so ready for Spring and I usually love Winter.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Thanks for "the rest of the story" ;o)

I think someone needs to have a chat with the weatherman back there. Your life on the line for doodle beauty is unacceptable!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, LOL...I love Laurie Land :) If I didn't laugh, I might cry :) Thank you!

Camilla and Bonnie, By the time we went back to pick them up, the husband had salted the driveway and we were able to get down and back up. Of course, it was a muddy mess, so I carried Fudge to the car, but Vern had to walk. It rained all day. We took them for a walk right after the appt. and got soaked. I always walk them immediately after the groomer's because they are desperate to go potty :) John moved his car out of the neighbor's way...he has all wheel drive so he had less trouble than me. He just drove back and forth on the road until the husband brought me up in the truck and then he picked me up and dropped me where I had parked my car after I got out. The neighbor, who was in such a hurry to get out, got stuck :) Morning doves sound as smart as guinea hens :) LOL

[Bonnie and Kona]

I want to know how in heaven's name you picked the dogs up after the appointment??? Did the ice melt? Did the rain stop? Were you up to your hubcaps in mud and stuck for a week? Were the dogs escorted up on foot and covered in mud? Laurie... this cannot be the end of the story! OR! Did John do the pick up and we will never learn what happened? 

We had morning doves with a similar mentality when we lived in Hawaii in the 80's. They seemed to congregate on the driveway just as I pulled in and then no matter what walked in front of the car until I was sure we would be eating squab for dinner.  I never did hit one. It had to be a miracle because they had a communal death-wish. 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Laurie Land!  Good one Donna! It should be a tv series!

[Camilla and Darwin]

Oh wow, this is quite the adventure! I wonder how the pickup went? And what happened with John while you were walking down? Please write a book of all of your adventures, it would be the best!

[Carol and Banjo]

Donna…..I love that…."Laurie Land"!   Where orange bikinis reign!

[Donna K & Quincy]

LOL, Every day is an adventure in Laurie Land. I love that you see the humor in most everything and consider us lucky that you share it with the rest of us.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thank you, Lonnie!! You are smart to steer clear of those darn Guinea Hens. LOL

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

OMD Laurie this is hilarious!  I was laughing out loud with the car in the opposite direction.  I can just picture Fudge and Vern's expressions at that moment! You are brave, I would have quit at the skidding!  I have never heard of a Guinea Hen and hope I never run into one either!  Love, love, love this blog!