They're Back........Bathing Suits are Turning Up in the Stores Already!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I am sorry to tell the people going on the Doodle Cruise that I just bought a bathing suit and plan on wearing it at the pool. I am giving fair warning in case some of you might want to see if you can still get a refund.  When I went in search of my new suit, my only criteria was that it fits and covers as much of my body as possible. I was hoping Lands End acted on my suggestion given in the past years and started a line of stylish wet suits, but no such luck.  I have heard a wet suit is hard to get on, but I figured there would be two of us on that cruise and one of us could pack a shoehorn.  Once on, I bet it holds everything in like you are wearing a gigantic Spanx and who cares if people are pointing at me in the pool and yelling, “what is a giant seal doing in the pool?”

 

Recently, my daughter and I went to see the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  We really liked the movie, although after it was over, I couldn’t stop saying that phrase about everything.  While walking in the mall, we passed a woman, much older than me, wearing low cut jeans and a sweater that did not reach the top of her pants.  Let’s just say the woman did not have a six-pack, although she appeared she may have consumed several, and someone should have stopped her before she left the house in that outfit.  I told my daughter if I wanted to see all that shaking, I could just look in the mirror when we got home, and then added, “I find that outfit to be extremely awful and incredibly unflattering.”  My daughter thinks most of what I say is very stupid and this proved to be no exception, despite the fact that I pointed out how clever I was and said,  “See what I did there? I made the movie title into something else.”  I think she got that part, because she finally said, “I find my mother to be extremely annoying and incredibly irritating?”  My point is, however, that my new bathing suit is age appropriate, covers stuff it should be covering, and hopefully everyone seeing me in it will be extremely drunk and incredibly forgetful around the pool area. 

 

I admire women who go to the beach at any size, any weight, and are comfortable in their own skin.  We have all seen them. Parading up and down the beach in bikinis with no cover-ups, some looking good and some not so much.  I am not one of those people and never have been, even a few pounds ago.  I would happily jump on any bandwagon that required all women to wear a full-length cloak up until the point of entry into the water.  My sister-in-law is the same way and years ago told me that whenever anyone takes a picture of her on the beach, she tries to find someone larger to stand next to in the shot.  I made up my mind, right then and there, that if she ever sidled up to me on the beach and said, “make sure Laurie is next to me in the picture,” I was going to deck her.  Personally, I also believe that those people who bring cameras to the beach to take pictures of relatives or friends should be covered in chum and thrown out to sea. I am not completely heartless, so I amend that to say covered in SPF 15 sunscreen and pushed out to sea in a lifeboat with provisions and their camera, so they can take all the pictures they want of  “new friends” that float by with large fins. Maybe they could even find other people with cameras in lifeboats and they could all take pictures of each other.

 

Another thing I find very irritating is all the talk shows and magazines that feature segments on finding the right bathing suit to fit your body type and all the suits are being worn by models.  The pear shaped woman, the apple shaped woman, the banana shaped woman, and the hour-glass shaped woman, who they feature, all look alike to me in the pictures, so how is an apple shaped woman, who is tall like a banana, with a pear behind, and sagging melons, supposed to find a bathing suit? Just once, I would like them to take a woman that looks like me and have her model different bathing suits, so when I look in the dressing room mirror while trying on the suggested bathing suit, I don’t expect Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the door with a camera crew and yell, “you have just been Punk’d!” Frankly, I am not even sure I am one of those fruit shapes and when I asked my family to tell me what kind of fruit they thought I was, one of my daughters said, “is a dried prune a fruit?” and my husband said, “cake.”

 

I know it is only January, but the bathing suits are already appearing in the stores, reminding us that it is now or never to get in shape before it is too late. The hard part is over for me. The suit has been tried on and purchased. I have made peace with the fact that I will never look like Halle Berry in a bathing suit. We all know the old saying, when life hands you bikinis or bathing suits, make excuses and buy a big cover-up, and that is precisely what I plan to do.  The worst is over. Good luck to the rest of you!

[Bonnie and Kona]

@Katie, you had my daughter's dream job. Lucky girl! Love the photo.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

The dolphins were very exciting! Amazing animals! Dealing with tourists....NOT so amazing! I am not what I would like to be in my wedding dress (and certainly not a swimsuit) because I was used to being skinny naturally and now I have to work really hard at maintaining a weight and look I don't even like! Lol a wetsuit takes a while to pull up, but once it's on, you're good to go! Had to wear one when we went swimming with the manatees last year and I loved not having to wear my swimsuit in front of people!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Katie, How exciting to train dolphins. You should blog about your experience. How long does it take to get a wetsuit on and where do I get one....LOL? OMD...I just saw you in your wedding dress. You were very thin and I yelled out, "skinny minny, I hate you!" when I saw the picture....just kidding about the yelling part :) Thank you for the vote of confidence!

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

lol Laurie!! I trained dolphins for a summer and loved how thin the wetsuits made me look! Though I was much thinner back then and looked okay in just a swimsuit as well! I would look like a beached whale if I were going on the cruise! Well I guess that is what I will look like on my honeymoon if I don't stop eating and spend 5 hours a day at the gym! In my experience though, women are their own worst critics so I am sure it is not quite as comical as you make it out to be in your blog! lol

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sherri, Awwww.....how nice :) Thank you!!!

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Laurie, you are too funny! I bet you are going to look smashing in your new swimwear! Wear it proudly, you are a beautiful woman!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, Then I will try not to stand next to you at the pool....LOL....since that is exactly what I look like in my bikini :)

Bonnie, I will make sure we get lots of pictures, just not at the pool...LOL!!

[Bonnie and Kona]

Love the blog. I'm not sure if there is any worse chore than buying a swimsuit.

I'm anxious to see lots of cruise pictures but I am with you...why oh why take photos at the beach or swimming pool??? WTD!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, We will stand side by side at the pool....proud and happy :) Sign up already for that cruise!!

Jennifer, Thank you! Jane had it right when she said we all need to make a pact....no pictures :)

Karen, Thanks!! I hope you don't think I should do stand-up in my bathing suit for extra laughs :)

Camilla, Those darn bathing suits must be out everywhere :) You look great!! Just get a big Vera Bradley beach towel if you are worried..LOL!!

Jennifer, A THONG...I think those meds. are messing with your mind....LOL!!  However, I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I know my limitations. I do like the "bite me" part and I do have a gingerbread shirt that says exactly that comment. We will have a great time!!!

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

I am not afraid of how I look I am afraid of how others look - this is what I don't want to be next to on the cruise.