They're Back........Bathing Suits are Turning Up in the Stores Already!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I am sorry to tell the people going on the Doodle Cruise that I just bought a bathing suit and plan on wearing it at the pool. I am giving fair warning in case some of you might want to see if you can still get a refund.  When I went in search of my new suit, my only criteria was that it fits and covers as much of my body as possible. I was hoping Lands End acted on my suggestion given in the past years and started a line of stylish wet suits, but no such luck.  I have heard a wet suit is hard to get on, but I figured there would be two of us on that cruise and one of us could pack a shoehorn.  Once on, I bet it holds everything in like you are wearing a gigantic Spanx and who cares if people are pointing at me in the pool and yelling, “what is a giant seal doing in the pool?”

 

Recently, my daughter and I went to see the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  We really liked the movie, although after it was over, I couldn’t stop saying that phrase about everything.  While walking in the mall, we passed a woman, much older than me, wearing low cut jeans and a sweater that did not reach the top of her pants.  Let’s just say the woman did not have a six-pack, although she appeared she may have consumed several, and someone should have stopped her before she left the house in that outfit.  I told my daughter if I wanted to see all that shaking, I could just look in the mirror when we got home, and then added, “I find that outfit to be extremely awful and incredibly unflattering.”  My daughter thinks most of what I say is very stupid and this proved to be no exception, despite the fact that I pointed out how clever I was and said,  “See what I did there? I made the movie title into something else.”  I think she got that part, because she finally said, “I find my mother to be extremely annoying and incredibly irritating?”  My point is, however, that my new bathing suit is age appropriate, covers stuff it should be covering, and hopefully everyone seeing me in it will be extremely drunk and incredibly forgetful around the pool area. 

 

I admire women who go to the beach at any size, any weight, and are comfortable in their own skin.  We have all seen them. Parading up and down the beach in bikinis with no cover-ups, some looking good and some not so much.  I am not one of those people and never have been, even a few pounds ago.  I would happily jump on any bandwagon that required all women to wear a full-length cloak up until the point of entry into the water.  My sister-in-law is the same way and years ago told me that whenever anyone takes a picture of her on the beach, she tries to find someone larger to stand next to in the shot.  I made up my mind, right then and there, that if she ever sidled up to me on the beach and said, “make sure Laurie is next to me in the picture,” I was going to deck her.  Personally, I also believe that those people who bring cameras to the beach to take pictures of relatives or friends should be covered in chum and thrown out to sea. I am not completely heartless, so I amend that to say covered in SPF 15 sunscreen and pushed out to sea in a lifeboat with provisions and their camera, so they can take all the pictures they want of  “new friends” that float by with large fins. Maybe they could even find other people with cameras in lifeboats and they could all take pictures of each other.

 

Another thing I find very irritating is all the talk shows and magazines that feature segments on finding the right bathing suit to fit your body type and all the suits are being worn by models.  The pear shaped woman, the apple shaped woman, the banana shaped woman, and the hour-glass shaped woman, who they feature, all look alike to me in the pictures, so how is an apple shaped woman, who is tall like a banana, with a pear behind, and sagging melons, supposed to find a bathing suit? Just once, I would like them to take a woman that looks like me and have her model different bathing suits, so when I look in the dressing room mirror while trying on the suggested bathing suit, I don’t expect Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the door with a camera crew and yell, “you have just been Punk’d!” Frankly, I am not even sure I am one of those fruit shapes and when I asked my family to tell me what kind of fruit they thought I was, one of my daughters said, “is a dried prune a fruit?” and my husband said, “cake.”

 

I know it is only January, but the bathing suits are already appearing in the stores, reminding us that it is now or never to get in shape before it is too late. The hard part is over for me. The suit has been tried on and purchased. I have made peace with the fact that I will never look like Halle Berry in a bathing suit. We all know the old saying, when life hands you bikinis or bathing suits, make excuses and buy a big cover-up, and that is precisely what I plan to do.  The worst is over. Good luck to the rest of you!

[BG and Gavin]

OMD Laurie!  You are crazy! Hahahaha!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, I had a great suit and loved it. Somehow, my brother-in-law took it out of the washer at the beach and dried it in the dryer. OMD...I wanted to kill him. Why was he messing with my laundry in the first place?  It was brand new and he shrunk it to smithereens. This is the only reason I had to go out and try again....LOL!!

Leslie, I was happy to learn, too, that cake is a fruit...LOL!! I do like my fruits :)

F, I like to say I am prepared for every emergency. We also go to the beach every year and by the time, I get around to getting a suit normally, all the good ones are gone :) I am glad to hear you shower regularly, in case I ever get to a Romp.

Lauria, Your suit idea is a good one. I like the black skort kind of bottom and kind of do the same thing you do. Thank you!!

Donna, The whole keg...LOL!! Thanks for your comment. It made me giggle. Now, for the pictures. Oh dear!! I don't look very good sunning myself...LOL! That Mankini frightens me....if my DH wore that on the cruise, I would not claim him :) Vern has one too.

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I feel your pain! I bought my last bathing suit about three years ago and put it on for the first time last summer, the water was cold but there was no getting in gently, it was get everything submersed as quickly as possible. No little six pack for me, I have the whole keg.

I think you are extremely clever and incredibly funny. I also know what type of fruit you are, you're fruit salad. :>)

Since there was a request for pictures I thought I'd oblige.

Oh, and if your SIL ever tries to stand next to you, ever so sweetly tell her "thanks, I was hoping someone would make me look smaller".

How about a Mankini for DH?

[Lauria Orr]

LOL!  That is hilarious! I love your blogs, Laurie.

I have had such issues with bathing suits myself, always having been a bit disproportionate. Years ago I met a woman who made bathing suits.  I gave her a pair of underwear I purchased. It was the kind that always fit just perfectly, and I bought it so she could take it apart and use it as a pattern to make a pair of bathing suit bottoms for me.  They are black.  Now I just buy tops that have at least a splash of black in them and come down to the bottoms.  It works out well for me.

[F, Calla & Luca]

You are extremely brave and incredibly early, isn't this cruise in the fall? Being  a fruit salad myself I appreciated this blog.  I  can't remember the last time I went swimming. I do shower regularly, though : ) The main doddle romps at the  beach are happily in the fall, even my doodles don't go in the water.

[Leslie and Halas]

Wow, you got an early start on swimsuit season!  And I'm pleased to learn that cake is a fruit.  I can't wait for the blogs from the Doodle Cruise, even if they don't come with pictures.

[Carol and Banjo]

LOL!   Laurie You are hilarious!   "Covered in chum"....LOL!!!!     I'm hoping my supply of suits last me to my last day......I hate the idea of going thru that shopping experience.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

BG, I think you missed the whole point of this blog....LOL!! No pictures EVER!!!

Jane, I remember when you posted about that suit. Oh no...I hope I don't have one like it or there could be an embarrassing blog after the cruise...LOL!! I agree about the pact..good idea.

Deanna, Maybe I will just skip the pool, after all...LOL!! You are extremely nice and incredibly kind :)

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

I don't think there's a woman alive who enjoys bathing suit buying hell!  We all have those "imperfections" we'd rather not see, let alone expose to the world.  On previous cruises, I could at least say to myself as I lay by the pool or took a shore excursion where a bathing suit was required, "I don't know these people and will never see them again".  Not true with the doodle cruise though.  Guess I'm just going to have to suck it up (or suck it in?).

Great blog, Laurie!  It was extremely funny and incredibly true!! 

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Laurie, you are SO right...bathing suit shopping is as bad as it gets.  I hope you didn't buy one of those miracle suits that make you look 10 pounds thinner.  I tried one of those a couple years ago, and there's a big problem with them.  When they're wet, they don't come off.  That's a real serious problem when you're drinking beer by the pool.  I needed 10 minutes lead time to get the suit off....well at my age I don't HAVE 10 minutes lead time.  The suit went straight to the donation bin....and I pray whoever gets it has a strong bladder.  We are all going to need to sign a pact stating that no pictures of any DKer on the cruise will end up here.  Thanks for the laugh!