To Bark or not to Bark!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

We love Vern. We really do, but with the windows open all night, he has taken to barking at lots of noises throughout the night.  Last night, John let the dogs out and said he knew something was out there because he could hear something like a chain rattle.  I don’t know about you, but I have a vivid imagination and I have seen enough horror movies to know you don’t go looking for something or someone rattling a chain late at night.  Nothing good ever happens when you do.  Since our property has a cornfield on one side and the corn is quite high, I would have no problem watching someone go to investigate, but if that person screams out, “the children of the corn are real,” the most help they would get from me as a backup is a slam of the door and a scream back, “it’s been nice knowing you!” 

I am perfectly fine letting things be at night and talking about it in the morning, but Vern seems to want to alert us that we are missing out on some great stuff out in the yard and sometimes gets Fudge in on the party.  When that happens we can hear them moving from window to window and serenading us with one deep bark and a very ladylike, high-pitched bark.  If we get lucky, it eventually stops as quickly as it started and we all go back to sleep.  If we don’t get lucky, one of us gets up and let’s them out hoping for one of two conclusions 1) their investigation turns up nothing or 2) their investigation turns up something or someone who ties them up and gags them so we can all go back to bed.

 

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I do appreciate knowing that Vern is on duty 24/7 and Fudge is there for backup at least 4/7, but too much of a good thing can still be too much.  He barks at the neighbors every single time he sees them outside and when they put their fall decorations up, which included a scarecrow; his watchdog duties were elevated to a red alert level, which in Vern’s world is the equivalent of a terrorist invasion.

He can’t seem to get it through his head that the man he keeps barking at has not moved one inch in days and is sitting on a pole.  He barks if he sees a car or truck pull into their driveway and I have told him plenty of times, we are the ones who feed him and they can get their own watchdog, but he doesn’t listen.  If he is in the backyard and he hears the neighbor kids laughing or playing, he barks to let them know to keep the noise down and when their school bus pulls up, he barks to let them know to have a good day. Sometimes, in the morning he runs outside and gives a woof woof  just to say, “good morning world, Vern is up.” 

There is really no rhyme or reason as to when he decides to bark and when he doesn’t and he will go long periods of time without uttering a sound and then all of a sudden look outside and see I have parked my car in a different spot and assume the worst. 

 

He is determined to meet the cat next door and will sit for hours staring through our deer fencing just willing that cat to make an appearance. 

Unfortunately, the few times it has shown up, he waits until it gets close and then barks, which I can only assume by the cat’s fleeing backside is not the best way to introduce himself.  If he looks out our window and happens to see John in the garage, he never seems to say to himself, “I know that person,” and I find myself saying, “Vern, it’s dad….that’s John….for god sakes, Vern, you know who that is,” but he usually continues to alert us to stranger danger until the “stranger” comes in the house.  If Vern were playing the part of Lassie and came home to tell us little Timmy was stuck in a mineshaft, poor Timmy might stay in there for days as we sat around saying, “what is Vern barking at now?” Even Fudge seems to know the difference in his barks and often times will give a slight perfunctory nod of her head and then fall back asleep.

The funny thing is the other night when John let them out to investigate the “great rattling” noise all of a sudden he could no longer see Vern in our yard. Vern can surprise you when you least expect it, because he does have a few tricks up his paws, although we can’t be sure if pushing his way through the deer fencing is deliberate or he just happens to be leaning on it to get a closer look at something and the poor deer fencing gives way under the pressure of Vern’s weight.  Either way, we are thankful it is Vern that gets out and not Fudge, because once Vern figures out everything he loves is on the other side of the fence, he wants back in.  Fudge would only miss us after she had been off and running for a couple of hours and luckily she has not figured out how to duplicate Vern’s great escape. Anyways, back to the other night and as John called out for Vern in the dark, not a peep came from the “great barker of the Northeast,” and John had to finally go inside for a flashlight.  As he shone the light into the darkness, it finally landed on a large white dog standing at the gate, wagging his tail, who seemed just as happy to be found, as John was to find him.  I guess he figured since he was outside our gate it wouldn’t be prudent to call attention to himself. After all, you never know what is out there and it is important to keep your enemies on their toes.  Vern, the best watchdog in the world, knows his business.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The more stories you tell about Vern, the more I love him. Vern, you can come and bark at my neighbors any day of the week!