Weekend at Bernie's or Attempted Murder on the High Seas!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My friend, Rose, was on vacation part of last week and we made plans for us to go out on the Pontoon boat on Friday.  Rose is one of the hardest working people I know, is always doing something, takes wonderful care of her family, is what my mom would call a whirling dervish, and my friend who giggles about everything. It was just supposed to be the two of us going during the day!  I have never been completely in charge of the boat and I’m used to having my husband there to step off the boat as I park it and then lock us in place.  I had my doubts that Rose would know how to do all this and as I was explaining it over the phone, she said, “that sounds dangerous.”  Her college age son was listening on the speakerphone when I said, “well, only if you fall in and since you will have a life jacket on, you should just bob to the surface.”  She seemed game, but she told me later that her son said, “mom, if Fudge and Vern are along and that boat goes down, there is not a chance in hell you will survive, because you know Laurie is going to rescue those dogs first.”  I told her to be sure and tell him not to worry because I wouldn’t have to make that decision because Fudge and Vern wear life jackets, which I am sure earned me big points with him.

 

Rose’s son is a great kid.  His only flaw is that he calls Rose and me the two stooges and thinks my husband is a lot smarter than me. 

He has dog sat for Fudge and Vern and somehow has the impression that I am a little dippy over my dogs.  After the first time he met my husband, he went home and told Rose that he really liked him and felt like they were intellectual equals.  When I asked Rose if he said anything about me being his intellectual equal since I was in the same room with them, she started laughing, which I took to mean he thought I was smarter than the two of them combined, but that has not been confirmed by either her son or my husband.  Well, after our phone conversation, Rose said her son was concerned that it would just be the two of us on the boat, with me in charge, and kept saying, “you mean, John won’t be there?” WTD Mind you, she told me all this after I had already changed our plans to wait until later in the day to go out after John was off work.  I hate to admit it, but I was concerned about parking the boat with no help, so was glad we decided to wait and the added bonus was, Fudge and Vern could come along for the ride.  

 

Rose goes and goes and goes and when she finally sits down, sometimes it catches up with her.  We once went to NYC to see the Radio City Rockettes Christmas show and she promptly fell asleep, although she was nice enough to come out of her stupor long enough to clap between acts. I knew we were in trouble on the boat, when she said, “this is so relaxing, I could fall asleep.”  One minute, we were laughing and having a good time taking pictures of me driving the boat with no hands and texting the pictures to her son and the next minute she had her eyes closed.  I encouraged her to lie down and after that, it was like my husband and I were reenacting the movie Weekend at Bernie’s, where the two guys drag their dead boss (in this blog, that part is played by Rose) around town with them pretending he is still alive.

When we got over to the cove where we like to swim, she did kneel on one of the seats long enough to watch, but pitched forward once or twice and laid stomach down on our changing area.  She would then right herself and managed to say a couple of things, “I don’t think I will swim,” and “hmmm,” when you would ask her a question.  We were thankful for those responses, because it let us know she was still breathing.   At one point, I did say,  “you aren’t very good company,” and then she said, “shut up.”  She also laughed, a little more than necessary, when my husband took his shirt off and I said, “keep your hands off and I hope this doesn’t spoil things for you and your husband in the boudoir.”  My husband said something about cold water and shrinkage, but then I reminded him he had not gotten in the water yet.

 

After we swam, we got back on the boat, and drove to an area with a bathroom.  I think being in the cold water makes Fudge and Vern have to go to the bathroom.  We beached the boat and John and I got out to walk the dogs and left Rose on the boat in the position she seemed most comfortable with….flat on her back…and as we walked away, we heard a little voice say, “is the boat moving?” and turned to see her and the boat drifting away. Now, mind you, there was no panic, apparently she was just curious and never moved from her spot.  I think we could have yelled, “yes, the boat is moving and we are going to have to call the Coast Guard to bring you back to shore!” and I am pretty sure she would have just giggled and said, “hmmm.”  Luckily, we could still reach her and all was well.

At that point, we needed to get back to the dock to pick up our daughter, who was waiting there to hop on the boat, but along the way we stopped to look at an Eagle’s nest. Or should I say my husband stopped to look with his binoculars and pointed it out to Rose, who popped right up to let us know she was a “Raptor expert,” which we could tell instantly by the way she stared off in the opposite direction from where my husband was pointing and focusing his binoculars, and said, “I don’t see any eagles.” 

In her mind, she was an expert because she had read some books to her son about eagles when he was small.  As far as we could tell, it must have been some kind of love story between two eagles, because her sole bit of knowledge was that eagles mate for life. 

Personally, we had our doubts about her expertise, and since this was the first time I had seen her upright since the trip started, I almost asked her if she actually meant to say, “Respite/Resting expert”, but I figured I would get another “shut up.” Later that night in bed, I said to my husband that we were just like eagles and had mated for life and he said, “well, in that case, the next time we mate, I’ll go get you a fish and then I won’t be back for another year,’’ to which I replied, “if that is your idea of foreplay, I have never been more attracted to you.”

 

Here is where the story gets interesting and if you have pitched forward a couple of times up until this part, wake up, because it gets good. By the time, our night ended, I was accused of trying to kill Rose twice and I accused my husband of trying to kill me once. I am not even going to talk about the part where the dogs almost jumped out of the boat when they saw my daughter on the dock and how all Rose did is put her foot on the leashes in a half-ass attempt to help while still lying down. No, I am going to get right to the attempted murders. On the way back to the dock to end our night, I decided to do what I always do…tidy up.  I went around picking up stuff and was in the front of the boat in the process of gathering up the long line we use for Fudge and hooking it onto the front of the boat where we keep it, when I noticed the front of the boat going under.  It all happened so fast.  One minute I was complaining about the Velcro strap we used to hold the line and the next minute my husband was slamming on the brakes and almost pitching me into the water over the front of the boat. 

Water was gushing in the front of the boat and my husband was yelling for me to get to the back of the boat.  Of course, I did what I always do in a stressful situation and started yelling back at my husband, “What are you doing? Why did you brake so hard?  I almost flew out of the boat!” and he yelled back that he didn’t do anything, it was me.  He came up with some convoluted story that because all the weight was in the front, the boat wasn’t balanced, and because of my height when I leaned over the front of the boat to put the rope away, it caused the front of the boat to start to go underwater. Mind you, I am summing up what he said, because he used some big words and rattled off a couple of theories. Well, I processed all of that malarkey and turned on him and screamed, “are you saying I am so fat I almost sunk a pontoon boat?”  Since we are like the eagles and mate for life and it can be a very long life if mama eagle is unhappy, he wisely said he had not said that at all. 

Meanwhile, Rose seemed oblivious to the danger. Through all of this mayhem, including our own mini Tsunami, she had continued her siesta and after it was all over said, “did water really come in the boat?” I could only imagine her on the Titanic saying, “Where did the boat go?” as her deck chair floated into the water.   She also laughed when I said I saw Weight Watchers in my future and couldn’t wait to tell all those in attendance I was there because people had taken to calling me, “The Sinkable Laurie Brown.” Plus, I am going on the Doodle cruise in October and we have a balcony room and I don’t want the boat to lean every time I step out for some fresh air. 

Both Rose and my husband assured me I was not fat enough to sink boats and the whole thing was due to my height, but everyone was laughing, so I can’t be sure. Thank God, we didn’t all end up in the water, because she said her son would have said,  “Mom, I told you not to go out on the boat with Laurie.”

 

Luckily, we survived the boat, but the second attempt on Rose’s life happened in the van.  Timing is everything and just as we got in the car to go home, a woman walked by with her dog and as usual, my dogs started barking.  I hate when they do that and have a small Air Horn I blow to make them stop.  I warned Rose I was going to “horn” Fudge and Vern and she giggled and said, “Why do you call it that?” My husband was more than happy to tell her that it just sounded so much nicer than saying, “I am going to blow them,” and of course, that made her giggle all the more. 

Anyway, I blew the horn facing it towards the dogs and Rose, who was sitting in back, and out came a mist. WTD…..since when does sound mist?  Leave it to my daughter to read the directions out loud and incriminate me when she announced to everyone that it said, “For outdoors use only and can be fatal if inhaled.”  Rose was awake by then, but I am pretty sure she was too sleepy to understand what was happening, because all she said was, “I didn’t smell anything.” Surely, her testimony won’t hold up in court.  So, there you have it.  Another adventure on our mini Titanic and if word gets out, we may not have any more passengers. I think the key for our passengers to have a good time is they must have a sense of humor and an ability to sleep through anything.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Janie, Yes, I could see Rose and you both falling asleep at a NYC play....LOL!! All that money for tickets right down the drain. I laughed at the image of the playbill flying in the air.  Donna is always causing problems :)

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Another great adventure! I think Rose and I would be a disaster together! I fell asleep during a Broadway production of Cats. I also go and go constantly and the play was a Friday night, I had worked all day, we made it in to the city, finally settled in for the play and that was the end of it. Apparently I awoke with a start and sent the playbill flying in the air. Oh well, I was up for a late dinner afterwards! Rose and I would need a chaperon! 

I think Donna has you planking in the second photo! Perhaps a good subject for your next blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I was afraid that is what you meant :) LOL

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, That would be you face down and not allowed to move. :>)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Doris, I think that would be a good idea :) I don't think she drinks coffee....tea and hot chocolate, I know for sure...LOL!!  I will tell her to start :)

Donna, LOL...He might be afraid to make me walk the plank, for fear I would tip the whole boat :) Loved your pictures, as usual. You give the best comments. Am I the person face down or the one in the water? LOL

Thanks, Leslie!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Getting a little nervous about the cruise now :( It sounds like I may have to keep a life-jacket on the whole time. Oh, great....

Does Rose drink coffee?? If not, she may need to start, lol!!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I laughed all the way through this, I am so afraid I am going to sign on someday and see a blog by your DH titled "Mutiny on the Pontoon" and you being forced to walk the plank,

or at the very least, you having to spend the rest of the summer on the boat in this position. BTW, Your friend Rose sounds like a hoot!

[Leslie and Halas]

LOL!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Ronna, You do that a lot....LOL :) Thanks, I think!!

Nancy, Oh, please go on the cruise. I would LOVE to meet you!! I promise not to sink the boat!!

[Ronna, Murphy & Wilson]

LOL.  Just peed my pants.