Do You "Feel Sorry" For Your Doodle?

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Over the weekend I came to a realization that many of you saw in my blog.  I realized that I was "feeling sorry" for Murphy because he had come to me as a puppy who was being rehomed.  He had certainly not been abused, but he had been through a lot of changes for a very young puppy.  I'm pretty "soft hearted", so I felt really bad that he had to go through this.  I "pampered" him from day one.  I wanted him to feel really safe and secure....and especially loved.  So we created "Murphy's World".  Well I now know that wasn't at all fair to him.  It translated into my training expectations of him, and even the way I perceived him.  Now Murphy and I are "paying the price for this", and I'm trying to think of him as the really smart, perceptive, and yes, "manipulative" dog that he is.  It's a "mindset change" for me, and I know it will take me a while...but it's something I need to do for both of us. 
I know a contributing factor is that I'm now retired, and I spend lots of time with my Doodles.  I'm pretty obsessed with trying to do "everything right" for them (and that's a tall, if not impossible, order).   I'm wondering if any of you have had the same feelings.  If you have, how did that translate into what you expected in terms of behavior and training?  Are your expectations less because you are thinking about what they've been through in the past?  How did you get beyond that...or how do you think you will get beyond it going forward?
I should end by saying that I truly "get" that my perceptions are not what they should be...but they are what they are.

[Adina P]

Yup. Dogs require SOOOO little. Mine would be happy with Ol Roy for all their meals. Of course we don't feed them Ol Roy because we want them to be healthy...but just sayin' -- they demand VERY little perks in life. Company, love, food, water, shelter...that's all they really care about. They will never whine that they don't get enough liver treats or bully sticks or that their bones are getting old and dirty looking. They are happy to lay around and hang out, chase a squirrel in the yard, warn of skateboarders on the side walk...that's a perfectly good life. I think perhaps dogs with a strong drive that don't get to WORK ... I might feel sorry for them as that is a bit of a need for some dogs and a working dog that doesn't get to work is sort of missing something that would fulfill them. But otherwise...dogs are the easiest creature that can love us back SO MUCH!

[Adina P]

This is a very interesting concept for me Jane...so I keep thinking of more things to blab on about...ignore me if I ramble too long. Imagine the pitiful dog is a person. Who really LIKES it when people regularly pity them?

-- Do people in wheelchairs THRIVE on pity?
-- Do people born with deformities THRIVE on pity?
-- Do people that are poor THRIVE on pity?
-- Do kids who have fewer toys than the kids next door do better if their parents or others feel sorry for them?
-- Would kids who started off in dysfunctional families do better in life if the people around them treat them with pity or with respect and high expectations?

[F, Calla & Luca]

I think that all emotions are not economical in the sense that sometimes we feel things that don't make sense or don't help things. No one thrives on pity. But sometimes our feeling sorry for someone or an animal might lead us to try to improve things. In the case of this discussion, for instance, just thinking about this emotional state and what it has led to has made some people realize they need to change things. It has led to a realization that feeling bad about an animal"s past life may have, in fact, led to difficulty in the present.

[Adina P]

True. Emotions are emotions and aren't always rational. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Exactly, "F". Intellectually of course I know that "feeling sorry" for a dog (or a person) is limiting. I have a handicapped son, so I learned that lesson (as it relates to him) when he was a baby. But then there's this whole "subconscious" emotional intelligence that sometime just takes over. That's what happened with me. I didn't even realize that I was treating my two dogs differently until my trainer pointed it out to me this weekend. Then I completely "got it". I felt horrible for a day, feeling so inadequate. How could I have not been aware of this and how it was impacting my relationship with Murph. Then I "got over it" and now I'm really excited to start moving forward.

[BG and Gavin]

I can speak to your last point Adina - since that is my area of expertise. If you are looking for a behaviour change, communicate expectations and hold the individual accountable. Again the same formula can be applied to a dogs.

[Amy & Bernie]

Jane I work from home, so while I can't say Bernie had it rough before he came to us, I totally know what you mean with it comes to being obsessed, and it's easy to do when you get so much time with them. This probably sounds SO cliche but the best advice I've gotten to date has been from Cesar Millan's puppy book and basically he shows (through multiple examples) in all situations your dog wants a pack leader, and it makes them so happy to know what to do in order to make you happy. Bernie is so pleased with himself after a long game of retrieving for me! And the more you implement 'mother dog' style corrections and disciplinary actions the more sense it will make to them. They'll figure out their boundaries quickly. The link below is concise and totally in line with Cesar's methods. I definitely recommend reading through 'establishing pack order' and 'discipline the mother dog uses with her puppies'. Bernie was starting to get crazy on us once he got comfortable in our home, biting during play, jumping, barking at us for attention, not coming when called, and these simple methods got him back on track within 10 (very consistent) days and he's a well mannered boy now! Good luck, and thank you for sharing. I've had small dogs in the past that got away with murder because we felt like bullies being assertive with them - it wasn't a good thing - and I swore I couldn't let my 70lb+ Doodle follow the same path!

http://www.coppercanyonlabradoodles.com/puppytrainingtips.html

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Thanks, Amy. I'll definitely read this.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

I know what you are saying. It is kind of like when I was trying the halty out on Peri last week and felt terrible for her (she froze in it and acted just pitiful). I was going to just take it back without even trying, but made the last minute decision that she was not going to manipulate me into backing off and babying her. She is now much better with it (after many walks with treats and praise to condition her into tolerating it). So I know what you are saying about feeling sorry. And Peri doesn't even have a "past". I got her at 9 weeks from the breeder and saw her weekly since she was 2 weeks old.

[LG & Sadie]

WOW. Yes. I think I did Sadie a huge disservice, and to some degree continue to fail her in this regard. I feel sorry for her, I treat her like she is special, and different-and believe me she behaves accordingly! She was abused-and I can never completely get limp, near dead doodle baby 4 month old Sadie lying in my arms- completely out of my head.... despite YEARS having passed! In my pampering and spoiing her-in a way I think I impair her true freedom to be the dog she could have/should have become. I think I keep her somehow connected to the first 4 months-she has been more than ready and willing to shed. I see she does better when I am more of a leader and more clear. I now intend to join a few of the new training/obedience groups as she is a bright girl who knows many basic commands. (she just feels they are optional or multiple choice) I plan on teaching my 3 1/2 year old how to shed her past and move forward completely empowered. Both of us~ I can't say when she looks at me in one of her sweet ways my heart strings will not tug-and I won't want to cave in and be over-indulgent. But, I can say I will work extremely hard for her sake-to not be that way. Because whether I mean well or not-I guess it isn't in her best interest. No matter how much I love her. That is hard to swallow.....hope this wasn't too heavy~Leane