Rambling Notes to My Starlit

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

This is a collection of notes  to Starlit this week.  Just a random bunch of notes.  Not a pretty composition and somewhat long, but it's all I can do right now.  They were to  her  and she would understand.  She never judged my writing.  She never judged me at all. 

I had trouble writing something out in DK style. I had trouble talking about this to anyone. So I talked to her.

Starlit, I looked up in the sky the other night but there where so many stars. More stars than I had seen in a long time. You told me you would be there. Your song told me you were up there. I became overwhelmed. Which one are you. I couldn’t find you. I was holding Spud, but he didn't want to look up at some sky.  We are all so lost here without you. So damn lost.

Do you wiggle where you are? Are there sticks? Please tell me you have the whole couch to yourself. Is there someone to jump on and give really big hugs to? I hope so. We miss you.

Dad cries all day. I cry all day, but I try to hide it when I get home. It is too hard on Spud and Dad.I'm not doing a very good job and it's been days now.  We have to stop this  because Spud feels the enormous grief coming off of us.  I'm terribly worried about him.  I'll try to be stronger. How do I help Dad?  He told me before we got Spud,  " Please,no more dogs.  It is just to painful of a love to loose."  And then we got Spud and then you  :).  So glad we made the leap and had all this love and fun.  What joy you both bring to us both!  Dad was right though, it is too painful to loose you.

You were such a DIVA!  Geesh.  A high maintenance and needy diva.  Our days, our lives revolved around you.  What do we do now?  I obeyed your every command.  So tell me what to do now?  I'll do it.

How can I help Spud?  Please tell him to eat and drink and play. Frenzied Spud, who never stays still, now just curls in a ball and stares out at nothing. He's so lonely and nothing I do helps him. 

He knew when we came out room the vet's office you were not coming back with us.   I could not hide my pain. He puked. He knew.

 I'm trying to keep him busy, but it all comes back to you. He goes to your spot in the yard now. He's looking for you. He doesn't understand the stars in the sky thing. I tried to take him for a ride hoping it would help, but I know, I know he is hoping we are coming to get you back.  You know how expressive his face is and that we can read everything  he is feeling or thinking.  I could never read your face.  You always had me miffed.

I’ve spoiled him as much as I can. He gets to ride up front now. That toy, the one you always stole from him. The one made you made your favorite and didn’t like to share. The one you liked the most. The one he liked the most. He won't touch it any more. He won't even fetch it. It's here where you left it.  He must be saving it for you. How do I explain to him he can have it all to himself now? Why bother, he already knows.  I left both bowls on the floor but it bothered him. I finally pulled the big bowl up this morning. Hell, neither one of you ever liked getting served with the bigger bowl. You can't lie down and eat with that one.  The sides are too high.  I'll throw it out tonight, I suppose.  But it has your teeth marks all over it because you carried it around so much. That was funny the way you carried it back to bed with you when it was empty. All crashed out with your full belly.
I'm trying really really hard here but my heart feels really heavy. How can it feel so heavy when it’s empty? I keep telling myself you must be sitting on me big girl when I can't catch my breath.

The last few nights Dad's been gone and my sadness becomes mixed with fear with all the spooky noises.  The ones you must have heard, that I never did. It's just the old house creaking in the cold but I'm scared and I can't sleep. Even brave Spud gets scared. I never felt that alone at night when you were there. I didn't realize it until now.  You protected me too.  I didn’t know that until now. 

Hey, the Tripod came today.  Too late now.  We will never get that portrait perfected.  Spud and I needed it, but you always were so pretty to photograph. So what. I wanted one but ..... put that on the list of things we will never do. I have some pictures still in the camera. I haven't looked at them yet.  Maybe I should.I don't think I can.

I hope you know just how much,  I was madly in love you. It was love at first site. Every day, all day, I told you, "You're such a pretty girl. Such a beautiful and good girl. You' re my girl, Starlit. That’s my beautiful girl. My Star. " Of all the doodles, I'd pick you all over again. I was in awe of your beauty. It was LOVE AT FIRST SITE. There will never  be a dog for me, as beautiful as you were. What helps is knowing you adored us too. We were your world.

 

This song was on the radio when we left the vet. It seemed to be on loop and played forever. Ironic?  Maybe.  I can't help but think you left this for our comfort. It works. Most of the time.  But I cry every time I hear it.  You talk to your brother a lot in this song.  I still listen to it all day.  I can’t listen to, Hey Spud’s Sister ever again.   Again, Thanks for this. but it's a tough.  I can't sing the word, Star to him like the song says over and over. He starts looking for you. 

I'll put it here in your letter though. It is soothing to have playing in the back ground as I read and write.Just don't look at these spooky boys in the video. You know you'd hate them.  They are spooky for a sensitive girl like you  :)  

It's going to snow tonight. Big snow!  Finally. I was so happy with the mild weather but now I wish snow would have come sooner because you loved it so much.  This year was going to be different.  It was going to be a fun winter now that you could play in the yard since we put the fence in for you.   The fence made you so much more secure. You could play in the snow and get so silly.   Such a serious girl, snow made you happy.
They tell me there was something wrong with your brain; blood clot, a bleed, a seizure, a burst vessel, something was wrong. There was always something wrong though, wasn’t there?  It was always there in the back of your sweetness, your calmness, you couch potato silly laziness.   The fears, the aggression, the pain, and sadness in your eyes sometimes.  Please be peaceful now. Please don't be afraid anymore.  No one should ever have to live in so much fear.  You found out though, you didn't need to be so afraid. You were getting so much better. We worked it all out together.

You were a good girl, Starlit.  Such a sweet, quiet, sensitive dog. 
I'm so sorry I could not write you a beautiful tribute. Some sort of nice tribute to share with our friends here.

 It's been days and is just too hard. I don't know what to tell them.  I tried to write to them over and over but it all sounded mechanic.   Some happy acceptance blog as if I mourn but all is okay now.  It is not. I can laugh, and, joke, and worry with the best of them, but when it comes to my heart, I protect it just like I protected your heart too.

I could tell them all the little things; how I loved your funny feet, even though they pointed out like a duck and in the long run, as years went by this might cause you pain. I could tell them how you moaned so silly in your sleep. The way you failed the greeting training exercise because you just had to hug me.  Hugs and hugs and hugs to welcome me home. No cookie was worth giving up the hugs you got from Mom when she came home. How one hug was never enough, that you just needed ten. Maybe after that, a cookie was second best. I could say all kinds of things in your honor, but right now, nothing I write seems good enough for you, pretty girl.
I could tell them no doodle was so perfect like I find on so many profiles; the perfect dog, even temperament, happy, playful. You and I know, nothing is ideal in this world. You lived in fear, you longed to fight with each and every fear or just run and run and run away from it all. I can tell them to love and live with what they are so lucky to have. To accept their dogs unconditionally. To love them as the animals that dogs really are. To work really hard ....

I could say all kinds of things, but right now, I just want to talk to you.

 

Have I thanked you?  You taught me much. I've learned more about loving and working with and understanding dogs from you.  I always wanted so many answers on how to  help a dog like you.
I should have known to be careful of the answers you seek. You may not want to know. I know more now and it does not help.  Hey, rambling again.  I just want to thank you for all you had given me.  You were my soul sister too.

Hey, Spud counter-surfed last night. Can you believe it? He never has before.  My bad, but I looked the other way. So not worth sweating the small stuff anymore.  Maybe he thought you went up there and got lost. You were always on that counter.

Spud's still not doing well. Not a good night for him. I’m off work tomorrow and I promise to make it a good day for him.  He is fun to play with and it will help us both.

I don't want to go out and walk with Dad and Spud now. I always walked you. Who am I going to walk now?  I hate walking Spud.  You know I think he  is a pain to walk. You were a joy. That old leash was tattered with chew marks, but it was pretty, just like you. I'll save a piece and put it in my pocket so can be with us.  I have to hold on to something. The only other thing I have now is your collar and I would look really stupid wearing that all the time.  I’ll feel so empty on our walks.  Maybe I’ll save the hook and use it as a key chain. Sounds good, huh?    :)

 

I hope this letter finds you in peace. Hope there are no stranger dangers girl. That made you get old so fast. No more spookies.  I’m proud of you for working hard everyday to over come each spooker one by one. We worked together.  We were really a great team, huh?  I think so.  We rocked it girl.  I was so proud to be with the most beautiful doodle in the world.   I hope where you are it is full of kitties to nap all day and dogs to run through the fields and romp with.

Know that you are in my heart, always.

 

With so many tears, I hope these don’t go to waste.  May they fill up your heart, and make you full again.

Bye, Starlit.  I'll look for you again in the sky the next Starry Night.  It's so scarey to think I'll try again only to not find you all over again.  But I'll keep on trying this time.

You be a good Star. You are a good, Star,  I Loved you,  Mom

If you made it through the mess of this composition I have to tell you, we lost our Starlit suddenly earlier this week.   She was very sick and the vets could do nothing to help her.   She died in our arms. It was peaceful.  I'm overwhelmed.   It's lonely and quiet here.  But I know, with all the love here on DK, I have to come back and try.  I've missed my friends too.

<br /><small><a href="http://www.doodlekisses.com/photo/photo">Find more photos like this on <em>DoodleKisses.com</em></a></small><br />

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

It is so nice to hear from you Joanne and to know that you are doing a little better today. You are missed!

[Colleen, Jake & Baxter]

Hi Joanne

I am glad to hear that it is a bit better.  One step at a time and one day at a time.....sometimes a step backwards...but that is ok as long as there are more steps forward....time is a friend. 

On another note, my own DRC foster boy Oscar is well on his way to his forever home as I write this.  His new family just lost their doodle very unexpectedly December 30th.  They  know that Oscar will not replace the one they lost but he will be loved for who he is along with being a friend to their other rescue dog.  (they got along great BTW :o)  My point in telling you this is....Thank You for your words of great encouragement with what you wrote up above in spite of everything you have gone through this past week.  Take care.....and, I am having a glass(s) of vino too cause I grateful Oscar has a new home but a little sad too because our family will miss him.

 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Colleen this is such great news about Oscar.  You do such wonderful work fostering and knowing that you have to say goodbye.

Joanne, I am happy that you feel a little better today.  Great to hear from you. Colleen is right it can take some time to feel somewhat normal again.   Starlit will never be forgotten here on DK that is for sure.  My  partner has been upset too as I often tell him about my friends here.  He wanted to know what had me so upset.  He had OES all his life and thought Starlit looked like one. I told him she was a very loved Doodle who found a wonderful home and family who adored and loved her.  That her life was sometimes challenging but that she had the best possible home and all the support that she needed as well as an older brother who adored her.  I told him that life is sometimes not measured in time spent on this earth but on the quality of whatever time there is here and that Starlit is now the brightest star in heaven.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Colleen, Thank you for all you do to help these dogs. I am so glad Oscar is on his way to a great home.

[Jarka, Monty & Auggie]

It's great to hear from you. You were on my mind ever since you posted the "ramblings". Glad today was a bit better. Raising a glass of wine to all the happy memories we all share with our doodles. Hugs to you, Roger, and Spud.

[shelly]

Hi Joanne! I'm so glad you felt comforted this morning by all of our thoughts, prayers and love!  And, I have to tell you - your story has even touched my DH (how could it not) - he woke this morning asking about you... hey who knows maybe he will join FJ on Yappy Hour one night!  Love to you!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

So glad you are feeling a little better today. Drink as much wine as you can and get a good night's sleep. Hugs to all of you!!

[Jennifer and Jack]

What a wonderful attitude, I am inspired by your outlook,  I too will Celebrate with you for all you, and I both have.. Looking forward to the Blog..

[Tracy L Boring]

Joanne, What a beautiful tribute. I am so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Sharon & Monty]

Glad you're putting one foot in front of the other and that today was a bit better!  :)  Cheers, glass raised!

[Nancie & Gracie Doodle]

Joanne and FJ...I too went to bed so very sad and even my DH had tears in his eyes as he read your "ramblings".  I didn't sleep well all night and woke up knowing it was not a dream.  I attended a photography class today and all I could think about was you Joanne...with Niko...taking wonderful photos of Starlit and how much fun you were having.  Reading again all the continuing posts I am once again crying.  I feel like I need to hop on a plane and come and give you all the biggest hug ever!  My heart is just breaking for you all.  The only thing I can do from here is to make a donation to DRC...so I did and it is in honor of your sweet Starlit!  Hugs and kisses to you all!

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

So relieved to hear from you Joanne!