Labradoodle & Goldendoodle Forum
I know that when this group first started, one of the inspirations for it was the "mindset" that some of us shared in regard to feeling sorry for our dogs who were rescues, and/or had issues, both physical and behavioral. This feeling sorry for them has led some of us to give them too much unearned attention or affection, kept us from having high expectations in regard to their training and behavior, and/or led us to make excuses for certain behaviors instead of working to correct them. Basically, some of us were letting our dogs get away with murder, lol.
Last summer, I decided to stop doing that. I started working harder with JD to correct his reactivity, demanding more of him on-leash, and that led to us taking and passing the CGC test. We were making good progress in all areas, and had started working on off-leash reliability.
Then he got sick.
I have felt sorry for JD since I adopted him. First there were terrible fear issues. It takes a very hard heart to not feel sorry for a dog who is so terrified of everything outdoors that he can't even walk or move.
Over time, we worked through the fear issues. Then, he was diagnosed with Atopy. He has really suffered and gone through a lot with all the testing, meds, shots, baths, poking, prodding, etc. The fact that he is such a stoic and such a good sport about everything made it even easier to excuse his reactive behaviors on-leash and to relax basic expectations, like always sitting for a treat, sit-and-stay when the doorbell rings, etc.
As mentioned above, we got serious with training last summer. And then in November, he got sick. Really really sick. His whole world changed, and it will never be the same. His whole basic routine has been altered, including when and what he eats. Routine, knowing what to expect, is one of the most crucial factors in a dog's being secure and comfortable in the world, and suddenly for JD, all of the rules changed. Suddenly, he was not getting his usual rewards for certain behaviors, some of his favorite things disappeared, never to return, and he is always at least slightly uncomfortable physically to boot.
You probably know where this is going.
I have been so worried about him and so sad for him, I have stopped demanding anything. I have been letting everything, even basic leash manners, slide. He is even hanging out in the work area of the kitchen while I prepare his meals and overtly begging for the first time in our life together.
Last night and this a.m., he seemed a little "off". More lethargic than usual, not as eager to eat or go outside, etc. I was feeling especially sorry for him, thinking he must not be feeling well.
Then, as I was trying to coax him out into the yard, he saw a dog being walked down the sidewalk along the side of the yard.
The door was barely open and he was like a roaring freight train. He actually took out one of my four remaining summersweet bushes (there used to be 6 of them), he flew to that fence with so much force. We've had record warm temps and the yard is muddy. He now has mud halfway up the backs of his legs from the force of that skid when he threw on the brakes at the fence. He was actually jumping up and down like a kid stomping his feet during a temper tantrum.
Does this sound like a sick dog to you?
I've seen this before, but not for a long, long time. It was a lightbulb moment for me.
Now, it's time for "No More Mr. Ms. Nice Guy Girl", lol. Time to stop feeling sorry for him, as hard as that's going to be. He just can't act like that, no matter how sick he is.
Any advice is welcome. This is going to be really hard for me, so I'm posting this discussion mostly to make myself accountable. And some gentle scolding from my peers here probably wouldn't hurt either.
Thanks for listening.
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Amen, Jane!
Just so you know that you are not alone, here is a confession that was very bravely put forward in our training class the other nights: (now remember our trainer is a hard nut, no-nonsense, hold you totally accountable and push-up hander outer, so think of the nerve it took to make this confession after 7 sessions of training) the owner of the 3 year old shepherd mix rescued shelter dog who came from a bad background and is quite shy confessed that when she takes her dog for a walk she allows him to carry a stuffed animal with him because if he does not have it he refuses to walk. *cringe* Trainer: well he walks fine here Owner: well I make him Trainer: so why don't you "make him" at home Owner: I feel sorry for him Trainer: you know you are fostering his insecurity which is harming him, not helping him... Owner: It sounds so much worse when I say it out loud. All that I could think of is wow, she was brave to admit that, but now that she has put it out there, she going to have to follow through. I think that is what you just did ;)
Linda, I always knew you were very perceptive. ;)
Thank you!
I saw words in my email notification, but where did they go? I need that sign, Sheri!
Sorry Karen, Not sure what happened there. Here you go. I was thinking you could just post this on your refrigerator.
"NO MORE MS. NICE GIRL ... JUST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU JD"
Thanks, Sheri! I think I will!
I totally get how you feel. We really struggled with this when Sam was diagnosed with epilepsy and continued to struggle as he progressively got more sick. (Sam was having grand mal seizures weekly which progressed to multiple times a day the last 2 weeks of his life and had to live with the side effects of really strong seizure meds which impacted his agility and stamina every second of every day). We also had major dietary and routine changes for him in order to try to stabilize the seizure disorder. The first tendency was to ease up on him because he was sick. What we realized is that dogs live in the moment and that there were many moments when he was full of energy and spunk and just loved life. Our challenge became caring for him amd helping him through the times when he was not well and living the moments in between To. The. Max. He was a dog who loved life and loved his people. We came to see that living life to the max included not changing the boundaries for acceptable behaviour. For example, we all enjoyed walks better when he was behaving on leash and no, he was not allowed to lick the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Sam will have been gone for a year on Feb 16th (and yes, I'm in tears cuz I still miss him terribly) and I know that focussing on wellness instead of sickness made his last 18 months the best they could be. I think Jack's freight train run may have been his way of saying, Don't feel sorry for me mom. Let's get out there and live :)
Oh, Jess....this is a touching and beautiful comment. I am so sorry about your Sam!!
Yes Jess, this is a beautiful and thoughtful reply. RIP Sam.
This story really touched me, Jess, and helps so much. You are so right. Thank you for sharing Sam's story, you honor his memory by helping other dogs to" live life to the max".
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NO MORE MS. NICE GIRL! :o)
(Maybe you could cut this out and put it on the refrigerator!)