Happy Mother's Day!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

When our kid's were little, Mother's Day was my favorite holiday.  I got to sleep in on both Saturday and Sunday on Mother's Day weekend (see how I extended the one day to two) and when you had early bird kids, that was the only gift I wanted. It didn't stop there, though, because when I did get up, I was spoiled the rest of the day. We did have one year when around 5 p.m. my husband declared he was done and the day was over. I guess the pressure got to him.  I told him it was good to know that a person could declare a day over on a whim and I would keep that in mind for future reference.

Most of you know, my mom has a very good sense of humor. I really think this is one of my favorite traits about her. She will be 86 this month and talking to her on the phone is always a unique experience because you never know what she is going to say.  This month we have had several talks about portion control.  Apparently, the whole world has singled her out as the person to give the smallest portion to when serving up any type of food.  The Amish are now on her list, because of a recent "mystery ride" trip she went on to an Amish house where the dessert was apple pie.  She started the story by telling me she was so full from her lunch and watched in horror as the Amish started cutting enormous slices of pie and she had no idea how she would ever eat such a big piece...but then ended the story with, "wouldn't you know it, I got the smallest slice of anyone."

My dad was a traveling salesman and left the house on Monday and came home on Thursday or Friday each week, which meant my mom did everything for my sisters and me. You don't really understand what that means until you grow up and have kids of your own. She took in ironing to make extra money and I can remember her with a 7-up bottle with a sprinkler cap, wetting the clothes down to iron. She babysat, too.  My mom bakes great cookies and her pecan/cinnamon rolls are to die for.  I talk to her almost every day on the phone, and she is my greatest audience. She wasn't perfect, but she did her best and that is all we can hope for in a mom. If you have a story you would like to share about your mom, I would love to hear one. Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the moms in the world.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Wow, Jarka. Not talking for two years that is tough. I'm glad you have worked it out.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jarka, First of all, great picture! I cannot imagine being across the globe from my daughters. Oregon is far enough! I am so glad you are back on good terms. Life is too short to spend two years not talking to someone you love and adore. Sometimes, it is hard for us moms to let go. I am sorry about your dad's passing. Who knows...maybe someday your mom will end up living closer to you.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Jarka, You are very brave and your mom can be so proud of you. I'm so glad that you have a restored relationship with her. I hope that you will be able to enjoy one another's company again.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I have so enjoyed reading these tales about your moms. Each one is very special.  My mom fell last June which ended her life as she knew it.  Up until then, she had been living entirely independently, volunteering with the museum association, completing her sewing crafts, driving herself places on a limited basis. We had begun to worry about her as she wasn't eating properly and getting her meals delivered to her wasn't working. She had been getting ridiculously paranoid at night about people breaking in, ringing her doorbell and was calling the  police on a regular basis to check out these annoyances.  She refused to let us hire assistance except when we went out of town.  Luckily, when my mom fell and broke her femur, we were out of  town so someone was staying with her and was able to get her medical assistance immediately.  The ensuing medications, stress of surgery to put a pin in her leg caused my mom to 'flip out.' I was devastated by how quickly she became totally incompetent mentally.  I now realize that it had been coming on but we didn't recognize the signs of early dementia. Though my mom has come a long way back to her 'old' self there is no way that she could ever live independently again.  She sort of accepts this, but not really in her heart and blames me because I won't let her live in her home and won't move in with her so that she can continue her 'old' life.  This past year  has been very bittersweet. I am so very thankful that I still have my mom and that we can have conversations - just don't try to use logic or convince her of anything other than her opinion.  The family giggles at some of her 'inconsistencies'  like her feet have grown and she needs new shoes (they are swelling because she doesn't move around enough) or they either feed her too big portions or never feed her - depending upon what she thinks will elicit your attention.  But MY mom - the one who went shopping with me, enjoyed her family and friends, who had a wonderful sense of humor, who was a very talented crafter, cook, and designer, who didn't interfere, who set such a good example of being a wonderful caring person is not the woman I see today.  Today, the woman I see is manipulative, often cranky, sees only her viewpoint, tells (and believes) lies to get attention.  I love this woman dearly and I owe this woman my very life, but I miss my real mom, my real friend.

[F, Calla & Luca]

As you know I went through this with my mom. I try to remember her from before the dementia, my real mom.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I am sorry you had to go through that with your mom!!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Thanks Laurie. I hope we all escape this dreadful disease.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I do kmow, F., and I know so many others are going through this same thing. It is just hard when it is your own mom.  I really appreciate that my mom is still here and has enough of her mental powers that we can talk and enjoy each other. I wish I could rely on her memories of the past and make notes.  I wish we could even talk about her past but her memories are 'made up' and always negative, about how she was neglected, abused, unloved.  I think this is the saddest part of this whole process.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Sad indeed. I hope you realize that your mom doesn't exactly make up some of these things but that she can't remember and this is sort of defensive filling in. Find some things she does remember going way back if necessary. Often those old memories are best recalled.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Sadly, F., it is also  the old memories that are grossly distorted.  In the last few years I realized that this has always been somewhat so for her (previously I just believed her memories) but EVERYTHING wasn't in the negative like it is now.  My aunt used to joke that my mom was raised in a different family when she spoke about how she was neglected etc.  What made me realize this was when I tried to complete one of those "Grandmother Memory" books when my granddaughter was born and I seriously spoke with my aunt for her memories also. 

Thank you for using the term defensive filling in because I hadn't thought of it in that manner. Now I will and it will make it easier when she complains about both sides of an issue.  I can now realize that she just doesn't remember what she said/felt earlier so makes up her answer.  This was a great AHA moment for me.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, This is so sad, because no one wants to end up alienating and upsetting her children and being remembered for all the things she can't help. Dementia is so awful because it robs the person of their self and the people that love them it robs them of the person they once knew. I am so sorry you lost your friend and your "real" mom. Getting old can be so hard and I wish we could come up with a cure for Alzheimers. My mom doesn't have dementia and is mad all the time about the small portions she gets for her meals :) Maybe that is just an old age thing...LOL!! Nancy, you sound like a wonderful daughter and I am sure you are patient and loving to your mom. Keep a sense of humor...I think it truly helps.

P.S. Great pictures and my mom will never forget the kindness you showed her with all the cards you sent!! 

[F, Calla & Luca]

A cure to Alzheimer's. Amen. And soon!!