Feeling like I am being forced to go to two funerals for my mother...

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

I am having an emotional dilemma...My mother's funeral was a week ago tomorrow and that was a very difficult day for me and my dad and sister obviously. Her funeral was in Bermuda where my parents lived (where I grew up) and though my mom's family is from NJ, my aunt and cousin came down to Bermuda for the funeral as well (which I would think is appropriate). But MANY people here did not come to the funeral and it upsets me because if this were one of them, my mother would have flown here in a heartbeat to be here with the family and say goodbye. Of course coming to Bermuda for a funeral wasn't convenient for people so they expect for us to hold a memorial service in NJ for my mom so that THEY can say their goodbyes. But to me...OF COURSE it wasn't CONVENIENT...it's a FUNERAL...

Now they want to have a memorial service here in two weeks (with a pastor that i cannot stand) and I don't feel like my family and I should be tortured with basically going through another funeral for my mom three weeks after her REAL one to satisfy others' who didn't get to say their goodbyes...I was at the real one and this was MY mother...do people really think that I want to go through that all over again?

Is it okay for me to say I do not want to go? They can do what they want to satisfy their own guilt and feelings or whatever this is, but I want to move on, I don't want to go backwards...it is difficult enough as it is.

[Ellen Patrick]

Yes, especially in your time of grieving. You deserve it, after what you've been through.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am so sorry about your mom and think you should do what feels right to you!

[Denise & Sophie]

I'm sorry for your loss. I just lost my father in March. I can understand how you feel. We are all different and grieve differently. Give yourself some time and do what feels right for you. I chose to celebrate his life and talked about my life with him. My mother passed 10 yrs ago and we had the traditional service. I had such peace listening to stories about my dad. For you there is no wrong decision. You do what you feel is right for you.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Katie,

First, let me say again that I'm sorry for the loss of your mother - especially that she passed so close to your wedding.  I'm also sorry that you're having to deal with "family issues" on top of everything else.  I agree with those who have said that you shouldn't feel obligated to attend (let alone plan) a second service.  I'm wondering, though, if there might be another alternative that would satisfy everyone.  Is it really a second, "official" funeral that your relatives are looking for?  Perhaps you could suggest to a family member that you trust and with whom you are on good terms that she and some other family or friends plan several months from now a celebration of your mom's life - not a funeral or a memorial service, but a "party".  They could ask people to wear "happy" colors, people could be asked to bring favorite pictures or stories to tell, you could play some of your mom's favorite music, etc.  I know that this is still putting you in the position of "pleasing" people that didn't "bother" to come to the real service, but it may be a way to keep peace.  Plus, a few months from now you may be ready to relive some of the happy times.  When my dad died two years ago, his memorial service was really more of a celebration and I so enjoyed the funny, happy memories people shared.  There was so much laughter filling the church - exactly what my dad would have wanted.   

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

I did mention that it would feel less like a second funeral if we could do the 'celebration of life" in the Fall or something so that we had time in between the real event and the second event, but instead they go ahead and plan for June 24 because it is what is convenient for them...not me even though it's my mother. That adds to my annoyance of them not coming to the real funeral I think because everything has to be on their terms even when it isn't about them.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

In that case, then, you are WAY MORE THAN JUSTIFIED in steering clear of the whole event.  

[Colleen, Jake & Baxter]

I am sorry you are going through this.  Funerals and weddings tend to bring the best and the worst out of people.  Emotions and expectations of others are running high and tend to be all over the map.  What I have learned through the years (the hard way) and much wise counsel is that everyone is different and not to put  my expectations on others......it has not been easy but it has made life so much easier.    I am also a firm believer in EGR (extra grace required) on both sides in these type of situations such as the 2nd memorial.  Whatever decision you make be at peace with yourself about it and let the rest of it go. 

Again, I am truly sorry about your mom's passing.  It know it does not seem fair to have to go through all of this extra turmoil during this time of mourning your mom.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

Funerals and weddings definitely bring out the worst in people and unfortunately I had to experience both of those events within less than a month of each other.

I am tired of dealing with other people now and them expecting me to cater to them, even when something isn't about them.