Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Becka]

One thing this discussion has made me think about is the fact that we're all here because we love our dogs, but that one reason we love our dogs is because they don't judge. So then I started to think about what our dogs would say if they were ones who posted the discussions and wrote the responses. For example, Sadie would probably write a discussion titled "Squirrels: Why Can't I Bark at Them As Much as I Want?" and all the other doodles would write back saying things like "Squirrels! They're so irritating! I love food! I want to go for a walk! There's my owner! I love her!"

And this made me smile. I hope it makes you smile too.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Unfortunately, there might also be some discussions like "My Mom Is Giving Me Away Because I'm Sick", and I do think that Jackdoodle, who knows what it's like to be sick and to be given away, might post something that would seem judgmental, although not against the original poster :)

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

LOL. This is a funny thought.

 

Winston would post "Cuddles: Why can't I have them every minute of the day??" and Sophie Bear would say "I need help motivating my mom to play tug with me more often" and then other doodles would suggest that maybe her mom is motivated by food and that she should give her ice cream as a reward.

[Sue & Lily Grace]

I, for one am very glad I found this forum. I am relatively new here - so new I am still waiting for my puppy to be born but I have laughed at the doodle antics, cried over doodles that were hurting and fighting for their lives, cheered and prayed for the owners that would do anything they could to help their pets. It is not always easy or pretty but the forum is about what is best for the dogs.

I can choose to follow or ignore any advise, but all of it has expanded my mind a little bit and has me thinking what I can do better this time around. I also have taken in dogs that have been given up. Sometimes it takes months and months before that dog is comfortable in his new home and trusting again. Not everyone waits it out and thse poor dogs are rehomed again and again. I have also had the horrible heartbreak of losing a beloved dog. I would wish that people thinking about getting dogs would think about it as a lifetime commitment, just like raising children and knowing the "terrible twos" and those impossible teenage years are going to be part of the package and just deal with it.

I am thankful for all the time the members that have been here for a long time give us pesky newcomers. I am grateful for all the advice I can put in my memory bank for the day I may need it. This is a great forum with a common love of Doodles.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

So glad you joined us Sue.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Sue, I like your attitude. I have pasted and copied lots of great advice to add to my DOG file on my desktop. I too was here for months before my puppy was even born but I got the best advice and was so prepared when I brought Riley home.  I think I drove all the regulars here mad LOL

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

We're glad you found us here Sue.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Glad you're here too, Sue.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

If you want to know the truth I am sick that I didn't speak mind in a post this week. So angry that I just could not bring myself to respond to one of the worst posts I've witnessed on DK
So, tell me how to be empathetic , tell me how to relate, tell me please how to walk in the shoes of a man who puts his dog down because it is too itchy and she had an upset tummy? How can I relate to, or be sympathic to a man who says he can't afford his dog, gets 'rid' of her, and turns around the very next week to buy a $ 3,000 ALD. How can I respond to my gut wrenching sick feelings? I truly don't know how :( I'm so sad and angry about this. Did I say it all correctly?

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

On that particular topic, I could not agree more. My blood boils just thinking of it.

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

I wish you had spoken your mind on this topic.  If someone has a problem with an honest answer should they REALLY post something like that....HERE???

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Unfortunately, the discussion was closed as soon as someone did speak their mind on that topic, so many people who would have liked to respond were not given the opportunity.