Vern and his Vegetables!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As some of you may remember, although discussions now roll off the front page faster than lightning, Vern was told he was overweight on his last visit to the vet. Vern and Tara (of Ricki and Tara) are now semi-involved in a Biggest Loser contest and it became clear to me this week that Vern does not stand a chance of winning. 

First of all, Ricki is continually cutting Tara’s hair, forcing her to go potty before the weigh ins, removing her collar, trimming her nails, and anything else she can think of to cheat that scale. 

Have any of you seen Vern recently?  He rolls every single day and has half of our yard in his hair.  Seriously, pulling everything out of his hair before a weigh in would be my new full time job.  How am I expected to get my photography assignments done, cook my gourmet meals, write blogs, throw the ball for Fudge, and have deep and abiding conversations with my husband, if I am spending all day picking yard debris off of Vern? Even if I cut out the gourmet meals, I would still not have enough time in my day. 

Ricki also has an advantage because she can weigh Tara at home.  I have no idea how to weigh Vern at our house. He doesn’t fit on the scale and if I tried to pick him up and put both of us on our household scale, the scale would either break or say, “You are killing me! Get off of me right now!” It just can’t be done at home and I don’t have time to run him up to the vet’s and frankly, Vern hates the vet’s and the grocery stores and butcher shops have regulations about bringing dogs into their facilities. Not gonna happen! 

Plus, I have my own weighing tricks and I prefer to do it naked in a room without witnesses and if I try and weigh a naked me and hoist Vern onto the scale at the same time, the only benefit I can see is that I wouldn’t have to worry about emptying my bladder first, because I am sure it would be emptying while I stood on that scale holding Vern. I love Vern, too, and if he is afraid of a dressed man in a lawn chair, God only knows what he would do if he saw me unclothed.  I even try and warn John so he doesn’t scream out in fright.

Now, we have an even bigger problem than whose husband screams when they see me naked. It seems that Vern is not a big fan of most vegetables. I tried the baby carrots as treats that someone suggested and I would like to take a moment to curse thank that person.  The baby carrots seemed to scare Vern.  I gave each of the dogs one baby carrot and Fudge took hers into the foyer and after the initial confusion about what it was, seemed to like the new treat.  Meanwhile, Vern ran into the living room with his carrot and promptly jumped up on his Coolaroo bed and dropped it on the bed.

He then would put it back in his mouth, gnaw on it for a second, drop it, and start digging on his bed. The only thing he did with that carrot was manage to get bits and pieces of it all over the living room floor and his bed. I don’t think he swallowed any of it, but rather took a taste and spit it out.  ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM!! 

It seems the dog that eats Kleenex, goose poop, mud, sticks, and anything else gross, has a very discerning palate when it comes to vegetables.

 

Green beans did not go over much better.  I put a bowl down for each dog and Vern stuck his nose in his bowl and quickly ran to Fudge’s to see if she had anything better.  Then he faced an even bigger dilemma…which bowl should I pick up the green beans from and then drop them uneaten on the kitchen floor? Eventually, he decided the answer was neither and avoided the bowls all together, although my skinny dog, Fudge, loved the green beans. I tried the frozen green beans, canned green beans, and even tried mashing them thinking it was the texture that bugged him.  I thought about using the Captain Crunch toppers someone recently mentioned their dog loved, but that seemed to me to be defeating the purpose of the green beans.  Oh, and before anyone suggests fruits, he did the same thing with strawberries, bananas, and blueberries.

Now what do I do?? Does anyone know if Kleenex has any calories and if that would be an acceptable, low calorie topper for Vern’s food?  What about mud and how much can I give before it is considered an episode of My Strange Addiction?  What about corncobs?  Vern likes to chew on the ones squirrels leave in our yard.  How about that as a topper??

 

Please help me or Tara is going to end up being a Loser…..oops, I meant to say Biggest Loser.

DISCLAIMER: Please only use approved toppers for your dogs found in the DK Food Group!! I know nothing and can provide references to prove it :) Do not use ACV, corncobs, mud, or Kleenex!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, Now that I get your joke....that is really funny!  I really did LOL! The moonshine is affecting my sense of humor.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks for sticking with it :) My TV is acting all screwy and that $%^$ bird is banging on my window and you think you got problems..........

[F, Calla & Luca]

Whoops just deleted my own reply about posting 4 times. Tablets can be tricky.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

If he isn't taking in more calories than he's using, he can't gain weight, unless his metabolism is off. Poor Vern, maybe he really is just big-boned.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Like everyone else in my family :)

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

I think it's a little clue that if your dog is leaving food in the bowl...well just maybe...he is getting more than he needs or even wants.  When I leave food on my plate it is because I'm stuffed...think about it...

The hands on test is the only way to know for sure if your dog is getting too much food. At this point the bag is irrelevant and those people that wrote it have never even met Vern!  Ribs, waist, belly that's what to look at. Ignore the bag. :)

Does Vern like to eat grass? If so he might like to join Tara in eating asparagus. I think she thinks it is grass.  Steam it and you could add a little a little Hollandaise sauce to Vern's it might help Tara's chances of winning be more palatable for him.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Ricki, Quit being so smart :) I like you better the other way...funny! Hey, what did you think I was going to say? Here is where you and I differ...I can still finish my plate, even if I am stuffed. It really is a talent. Then I leave the table saying I feel sick. People that dine with me love it :) Of course Vern loves grass...he is part cow and I think the Hollandaise sauce sounds like a crock of crap winner. I know you would never steer me wrong just so Tara could be a big Loser.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

I can't help it! You know that's how we jenus's are! Now you've inspired me:

There once was a doodle from Penn

Whose diet just couldn't begin

The carrots all scared him

Being Biggest Loser looked dim

So his depressed mom just took to the gin

And that's BIGGEST loser not BIG loser! :)

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

LMAO, Ricki!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I love that Limerick! I told you I meant Biggest Loser :)

[Bonnie and Kona]

There is no place for me to reply to Ricki's limerick but I love it!

[Cathy, Fozzie & Shaggy]

LOL - I laughed so hard my students looked to see if I was laughing or choking!  Perhaps I shouldn't try reading these posts while they trickel in from lunch !