UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I have one quick thought when I first read this line, '.....but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again'

Because it was so sudden, is this PTSD?  People with PTSD tend to play a tragic event over and over in their minds?  Might sending her in that direction ( reading about and understanding the symptoms) help?

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

As a grief therapist (which i worked at in a past life) I sometimes came across people for whom the loss of a pet or someone not closely related  appeared to be extremely difficult  and it often transpired that there was unresolved grief for someone that had died in the past that had not taken it's normal course.  I'm not saying that this applies in this case and it may be that this is a totally focused response to losing a beloved dog. What I am saying is that sometimes help is needed in order to move on. One man I know for example was 13 when his father died and he appeared to grieve normally. It was only when a friend of his died some 15 years later that he totally broke down. It took some therapy to work out that there was unresolved grief for his father that had not been expressed.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Thank you Nicky.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

My advice is your advice - do some training - structured classes with Vinnie.  I really didn't bond with Peri until then. I remember to this day, sitting there, looking at her ball of fluff run around being naughty thinking "what the heck have I done, no dog will be like Taquito - he's perfect!".  After 4 years, 3 training classes (CGC passed !!!) later, sometimes I look at her and think she's the perfect one.  It just takes time.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I agree Allyson because Spud was so much fun and hyper but yet so demanding.  My Mastiff Pete, was like an extension of my arm. Never leashed, never hyper, never demanding.  He did yard work, got the mail, layed by my side,  was with me at all times, but NEVER demanded a walk, a ball, or any attention. 

Or, is this how I see it now?  Did I forget all the work that goes into making a dog a true companion?  I really don't remember?

But I know, I have this, FINALLY in Spud.   Just the other day, I said, " I think we have reached the Golden Age with you Spud. I just can't imagine a day without you"

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

Maybe also do something very special with Vinnie that she didn't do with Bunker.  Start training then do agility classes. Go to the dog park, I don't know, just stuff she did not do with Bunker to create a new bond.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

True. Start something new. Say Bunker was not agile, where Vinnie is, so agility would be a good place to do something different.

Often times, if we look, we see the uniqueness to the new person or dog in our life.  If we look for the good, the new, the different, we can focus on those new things too.   Still never forgetting the old. But it is keeping busy that helps.

I think she does need to find something completely different in this new puppy.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

I do think it is important. Taquito gets to sleep in bed with us and snuggle all the time. But he sure as heck cannot do tricks/training/play fetch. That's what Peri and I do together. 

I also agree that grief just takes time. But I have not lost one of my own dogs before (just family dogs that were not all mine), so I just don't know how I would feel.  I am pretty sure I will mourn the loss of Peri and Taquito differently, given they are such different dogs. 

If possible, i hope Carley can focus on something that is really great and new and different about Vinnie!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Another thing to consider is that grief and mourning take time and a few months is not long enough. Perhaps your friend got Vinnie too soon. At any rate training, therapy and giving it time all seem like good ideas. I alo see no reason a five month old dog can't go hiking, boating etc. it may take more work, being leashed etc. but it can be done.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Thank you, F.  Do we ever get over grief?  I think, sometimes, it lessens and it becomes easier to deal with even though, we never forget. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Exactly, we don't forget but the severe pain lessens and the memories become pleasant.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

How does one STOP blaming themselves?