UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

I remember physically feeling my sadness when my son just went away to college! I cannot fathom what both of you managed to deal with - such loss.  

Some might marginalize the loss of a pet in comparison-but really that is also a loss that can be devastating.  That in no way minimizes the loss of a son or other human loved one.  

Hugs to all.  I hope Carly can let in love again and start her healing journey.  

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

I agree with you. I hate it when people try to minimize a persons sadness or grief and say 'it could have been worse'.  Whatever is going on for that person is the worst it can possibly be for that individual. Whether it is a dog or a person is not the issue it is the person who is feeling the loss that matters. In this case it is Carly's loss that needs healing.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Lori, I get the college thing so much!  It really was a great time ..... but life-changing for me. One of the milestones where things begin and end all at the same time. I knew then, whatever life was like, was never coming back again.  It never did.  So SaD!   That lasted about 3 months.  I soon got over all those busy days as a mother. 

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

You are all such amazingly caring people - especially those of you who have bared your souls and opened your grief in an effort to help "a stranger".  I've said it before, DK was started so that people could share their love of doodles, but more often than not, DK'ers just share love, period!!!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

LOVE Button!

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Dog lovers are special people!  and of course, doodle dogger moms and dads trump all others, (JK)  check our Laurie's latest blog post and weigh in as to whether you are genetically a dog lover, or the learned variety!  

[Adrianne Matzkin]

I wish I had pearls of wisdom to share but sadly I do not. I do not have a song in my written words but I think you will understand. 

When I lost my Beardie, Maggie, I never thought I could open my heart again to a 4 legged kid. My girls started high school and all the it entails so I was so busy I never realized what my life was missing. Fast forward 7 years after Maggie's passing I found Samantha. DH said 'you know this won't end happy' but I said too bad, it was time I opened my heart again. Then came Mickey, Charli and Niña and all those fosters that have passed through our doors. 

Dear Carly,

It hurts so much because you loved him so much. I had that same heartache. It did take me a long time to get another dog but I was too busy to realize that.

I remember reading somewhere that to not have another dog in your heart would not honor the love you shared with Bunker. You have so much to share with little Vinnie, all the things that you and Bunker did, learned and loved.  You would honor Bunker if you shared all those things and different things with Vinnie.

No, he will not ever be Bunker but he doesn't want to be. He wants to be Vinnie, your Vinnie. 

Sending hugs!

Adrianne

[Maryellen and Curly Lambeau]

Perfect! Well stated!

[Gail and Bailey]

Dear Carly,

About 5 years ago my husband and I walked in the house after shopping and found our beloved dog dead on the floor by the door.  He had not been ill or had any problems even though he was 13 years old.  Needless to say we were stunned and grief stricken.  We agonized over what we could have done to prevent his death if we had been home sooner.  We never were given a reason for his dying. Our dog "Marty" was the love of our lives.  He was a gentle soul who was so very "human" in many respects.  He was my constant companion and I would often sit with him and imagine what our conversations would be if he could talk to me.  I know this may sound strange to some folks but.....he would tell me that when he died he wanted us to get another dog to love because we were such good doggie parents and we had so much love to share.  It did take me a few years to convince my husband as he did not think he could open his heart again, but we finally got our girl Bailey.  Marty's "words" play in my mind each time I look into the eyes of my Bailey.  She is so very different than he was and yet so very perfect in her own way!  

Hugs to you, Carly.  Let little Vinnie help heal your heart. 

[Kyoko]

I think her healing process is in progress. Just the fact that she was able to acquire a new puppy, I believe that she is moving on, slowly but surely. The flash back and having the thoughts of incidents play over and over again in PTSD people are a bit different than what she is experiencing, I think. It may sounds similar, but mental health and these things are always about the matter of duration, and intensity. For the persons with PTSD, these repeated thoughts and images are much intense to the level of night terror, etc... I don't think your friend id experiencing that to this intensity. Grief takes long time, and it comes at different times at different levels.... small things can trigger more emotion than other times....

It has been almost 2 years, but I do think of the day when Butter passed. I can hear his bark right before I went to work. And I feel guilty that I even went to work that day. I look at Pinot Grigio and see Butter's color. Makes me thing of his noble, king like character....

I think it will be helpful for her to know that it is OK to be sad, It is OK to think about Bunker while petting Vinnie, etc... And to know the normal process of grief. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Major loss within few months is still very acute. If she or someone close to her expect her to "get over" at this point, that is not really possible. I think she will be OK once she understand that what she is experiencing is totally normal and actually a very positive progress of grieving....

[Donna K & Quincy]

I am completely amazed and humbled by these wonderful people who are willing to put themselves out there and share their deepest hurt and grief to help someone they don't know because a friend they do know asked for their help. There is absolutely no doubt that this is a most wonderful and unique forum only because of the wonderful and unique people who make it so. You are all a blessing and a treasure.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I couldn't find the right words to say what I was feeling, Donna, but I'm so glad you did.