Helping a child through grief

[Star and Goldie]

We lost our beloved Riley on Sunday. She was 14 years old and lived much longer than was expected. I had been preparing my 7 year old daughter for her passing for quite a while. But this has been much harder than I could have ever imagined. My daughter is not doing well at all. She is really struggling through this grieving process and I am struggling to find ways to help her through it. I am trying to be as supportive as possible while also understanding that I have my own grief to work through. It's a double dose for me. . I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations on how to help a child through the grieving process. This is both of our first times ever having to go through something like this. And it is really taking a toll on her. She has never known a day of her life without her sweet Riley.

We have read bible verses together, prayed together, cried together, made a memorial for Riley where she can write special messages to her when she misses her. I ordered a special pillow and blanket for her that has Rileys picture on it so she can cuddle with it. We've been doing extra special things with our other dog, Goldie. Besides these things, anything else that might help other than time?

[Star and Goldie]

Your description around her age is so spot on. That is a perfect way to explain where's she's at. That big picture of life part is the tough one.

[Leslie J]

I am so sorry for your loss. ..
We lost a beloved pet when my boys were eight. A friend of mine, who is a child therapist, gave me very good advice- to give them a couple of weeks to embrace their sadness. As a parent, I wanted to "fix it" and make them feel better again. Grieving is healthy and normal. For a very sensitive child it might take longer. What I learned from the experience is that feeling sad is sometimes an acceptable, appropriate emotion.

[Star and Goldie]

Yes! I completely agree. I've been telling my daughter that if she feels like she needs to cry, to let herself cry and not hold it in. She is very sensitive. Last night was the first night she hasn't cried and I could tell it wasn't because she was holding it in. She actually had some peace last night.

[Leslie J]

You are doing great. I'm so glad she is finally feeling a bit better.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you are going through the grieving process as best as you can.  Letting her grieve is so important and you are doing that.  I think time will help her dwell less on her loss and more on what else life is offering to her.  If it is possible, I would get another dog to love when you are ready. 

[Diane and Alma]

So sorry for your loss.  It is never easy.  I too, as a child, experienced death with pets and direct family members.  Please keep talking with your daughter and keep pictures around.  It really helped me.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

What about possibly doing a project together to help another dog that needs help.  Like maybe a shelter or raising money for a rescue or volunteering at a shelter.  Explaining that while you are no longer able to help Riley, that Riley would love it if you share some of your love for him to help another puppy or adult dog(s).  Refocus the energy and fill some of the time you have grieving with feeling good about helping another.  I know that when we lost our Sophie we had a huge void in our lives.  We were asked by the DRC about helping with a foster that needed surgery.  Our thought was simply that we could no longer help Sophie, but we could certainly help Honey.  Little did we know that we would also be getting a puppy that wasn't supposed to happen until many months later at the same time.  So, our lives were full of joy rather than only pain.

[Star and Goldie]

Thanks!!! Oh this is such a good idea. I'm going to look into options to see if we can help some animals in our area!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Our local shelter will put a stone/brick in a side walk with whatever you wish on it, for a donation.  Perhaps something like that with Riley's name?

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

As a former grief councillor I can offer the following advice. Be careful with language. I know that sometimes our beliefs, whilst clear in our minds, especially the concept of heaven can be very confusing for a child. We use words like he is 'happy now in heaven', or 'he is playing in heaven' to try to ease the pain but this can have the effect of a child thinking (logically from their POV) that if heaven is such a great place why can't I go there, or being angry and confused with the fact that the dog has left them to go to a better place.

I always believe that being as honest as possible in as simple language is best. That all living creatures die, that death is a permanent state and he is not coming back. This may seem very harsh but grief is an expression of love and for children expressing that loss through art and writing down their thoughts and feelings as well as expressing their pain in words are all to be encouraged. There is no right or wrong way to grieve ever.

Feeling normal at such a scary time for a child is one of the things we can help with and also sharing our own pain and sadness which we are dealing with at the same time.  Saying it's okay to feel sad, 'I feel very very sad too'  that right now this is very very hard but in time we will feel better again that it is like when we are feeling poorly and get well again.

Seven is such a difficult age for your daughter to lose her beloved pet, it is called the age of reason in child  development  when children are  realising that death is a permanent state  as up to then they are unclear as to the concept of permanency.   Naturally this is a very time hard indeed.  I wish you all the best through this. If you feel at any stage that the grief is more overwhelming than you can deal with please seek out an expert in child grief. There maybe some help through your local medical services.

[Star and Goldie]

My daughter had a rough night again the other night missing Riley and started asking some questions about heaven. I immediately remembered your post and carefully navigated my way through the conversation. I'm so glad you shared this!!!

[Joani, Skadi & Elli]

This is the sweet story I found online...

THROUGH THE MIND & HEART OF A FOUR YEAR OLD...

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten year old Irish wolfhound, named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa and their little boy Shane were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog. Ron and Lisa told me that they thought it would be good for the four year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few moments, Belker slipped away peacefully. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I had never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, “People are born so that they learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The four year old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”