Bonding with Maggie

[Stacy]

Let me preface this by saying that I know how ridiculous it sounds. But I would like to hear other people’s experiences with bringing home a new rescue. I think it will help.

I don’t think Maggie likes me. She’s been here 3 weeks. And she likes me, that’s not the right phrasing. We are getting along well. She seeks attention. She follows me around. She even asked to go outside last night and I understood! But I don’t think she loves me. I don’t think she trusts me. And I have the distinct impression that she feels like a visitor here waiting for her real mommies to come back and get her.

I adore her. I want us to have a mutual love fest. I’ve been spending time with her. Trying to give her space to figure things out and decide that she wants to come to me. I’ve fed her by hand and given her a million treats (probably a few too many.) I encourage her to come be near me, but then let her go when she wants to leave 3 seconds later. She loves to go for rides so I take her with me when I can. We play ball in the yard. We’ve gone for walks. We’re waiting for our training class to start.

I’m not sure if I’m missing something, or maybe I’m trying too hard. Or possibly she just isn’t going to be the dog who wants to hang out with me on the couch. But from what her foster mom’s tell me she was that dog with them. I want her to like me too. I think it’s hard because no one will ever be Ava, and I miss what I had with her so much. I don’t want Maggie to be Ava. I just want her to be just like Ava. I know, ridiculous.

So tell me I’m expecting too much too soon. Tell me that it takes 2 months, or 3 months, or that our obedience class will be the thing that will bond her to me. I just want to be closer to her. The stinky hound dogs that I transported yesterday were more excited to see me than she is. I got major kisses from them. Sloppy dog tongue in my mouth!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Training absolutely strengthens the bond between you and your dog like nothing else in the world. It creates a system of communication between you, and trust follows that. Trust is built on knowing each other, and being able to predict the ways in which the other will respond to any given situation. 
And yes, it can also take months and months for an adult rescue dog to trust you completely and really understand that they are home. 
As for "love", I'm not sure dogs really love the way human adults do. It's more like the way human children "love"...they attach to you because they need you, and because you are the supplier of all good things in their lives. But it is not selfless; it's them first, every time, lol. 

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

I personally think it is a little soon.  How long was she at the foster home?  When I fostered it was normally at least 2 weeks before their true personalities started to come out.  You must realize she was just rehomed again.  Not sure what her history was before the foster, but she was getting settled into the foster home and now is uprooted again.  She has to learn to love and trust you.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but just be patient.  She may never be a lap dog (mine aren't).  Don't expect her to be like Ava.  Let her be Maggie.  You guys will find your way, just be patient.

[Stacy]

She was at her foster home for 2 months. And she really bonded with them. I don't think she had a good situation before that, so they really rescued her. I just took her away from the people she loved. I think she misses them. 

Patience isn't my best skill. Sometimes I just need to hear other people tell me to be patient, and that this isn't abnormal. It's funny how the brain works. She's really come so far. Three weeks ago she didn't even want me to touch her. And still I want more instead of just enjoying the progress. 

[Amy and Annabelle]

See you were that person that rescued Ava from her situation. You didn't get to experience that with Maggie. Who knows how Ava would have responded to someone else if you had been her foster home/rescuer and she went to live permanently somewhere else after 2 months with you. She might not have been so trusting and loving and would definitely miss you. 

[Stacy]

I thought that exact same thing. I wondered if that had any effect on Maggie's reaction to me. My rescues have always been straight from the shelter or puppy mill. This is the first time I've had a dog that came from another foster home. I think that does change things. And I think Ava would have been a disaster if she had gone to another home after 2 months. We were so incredibly bonded by that point. I can see where it will take Maggie time to get over that.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The thing is, after the basic necessities of life, food, water, shelter, what a dog needs more than anything else is to know what to expect from you & their surroundings, and equally, to know what you expect from them. And that comes from consistency, boundaries, and rules. That's what makes them feel secure and relaxed, and training provides all that, as long as you are fair but strict about it.  It really is not about snuggling and cuddling, and it definitely is not about letting the dog do whatever he wants or slacking off on the rules, hard as that can be when that face just melts you, and all you want is the affection part. :)  
Dogs are a lot like human children in this way, too. 

[Stacy]

I'm trying, but she has absolutely no idea what anything means. Sit is the most foreign concept to her. I hold the treat over her head and she backs up. I try to assist her a little and she thinks I'm going to kill her. We desperately need a trainer. I thought that she needed group lessons to get out there and socialize with the world, but I'm starting to think that we need a private trainer too. She's really a good girl. She doesn't do anything bad except jump the gate like it's a game and potty in the living room when I'm gone, but I know we aren't communicating effectively. I want us to speak the same language. I don't want her to jump every time I move.

[Amy and Annabelle]

Yes, definitely training. Annabelle and I have taken training classes.  There are always newly rescued dogs in the group. They almost all seem to be scared to death, it's really sad. They aren't to the trusting their new owner stage yet, and its seems so stressful to them. So with that in mind I think private training with you and the trainer and no one else, is a great first step then graduate to group class.  

[Stacy]

I've been eyeing a trainer for a long time who I want to use. I always meant for Ava to have some training classes - once her latest health crisis was resolved, and we never seemed to get there. It was just one health crisis after another. But I think it would be better for Maggie to start sooner than later. This guy is a completely positive reinforcement trainer, no magic, just do the work and you and your dog will learn to communicate. I like his style. And he had a great blog about adopting a fearful dog. I think he will get it. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

That sounds good. If possible, talk to other clients, or at least read reviews; this is one area where reviews can be very helpful. 

[Stacy]

He has very good reviews. I messed up when I picked a trainer for Katie, and while he trained her I didn't like the way he did it. I've done some reading and I really believe that this guy teaches with kindness and compassion and practice and that he's a fair trainer. But I'm starting with the one hour package and going from there. 

[Amy and Annabelle]

That's what I would do. Do an hour or 2 with a private trainer. Then when she goes to class she will know whats going on, what's expected of her and won't be afraid. I remember this one woman at Annabelles training class had a Basset. Poor dog wouldn't do anything but lay on the floor, she was so scared. After the second week she hadn't progressed past the laying on the floor stage, she quit and did private training. A few months later I enrolled Annabelle in an advanced training class and there was the basset, she had come a long way since the first time I saw her. The owner said she should have just started with the private training.