DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER

Hi All,

I have been on this site for a year and a half. I have gotten some great advise and made some nice friends. I have gotten great grooming tips, food advice, lots of laughs and a few tears. However, I have noticed recently when people ask questions, there is a tendency to be a little forceful with answers. A lot of people are asking questions or looking for solutions for real problems....aggressive dogs, food issues, re-homing issues...and instead of lending a sympathetic ear and helpful advice, there seems to be some quick responses with judging comments. Often times I feel sorry for the person asking the question, and some of the answers are mean-spirited. Some are very helpful.

Sometimes people don't see previous posts. When someone re-posts something, or asks a question, again...the poster is not doing it to be a pain...maybe they just didn't see the original post.

I like this site. I like knowing peoples stories, and their pups.

I hope that this post can make people think twice before they post an answer to a post, where the poster is seeking advice. The advice might be something that the poster does not like, but it can be stated in a kinder way.

For example, I am really nervous that people are going to react harshly to this post.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty on May 3, 2012 at 1:31pm

Aabsolutely not Andy&Sharon. I will never be polite or kind to anyone in any of these situations.

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Permalink Reply by Pam and Ginger Snap on May 3, 2012 at 2:02pm

Certainly THAT is not what I am suggesting!

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Permalink Reply by Deanna & Desi & Cori on May 3, 2012 at 1:11pm

Back when I was in the classroom, during the "first day of school introductory stuff", I would tell my new students that I was both the nicest teacher at the school AND the meanest teacher at the school. Which teacher they got depended on what type of class they turned out to be. If they were well-behaved and motivated to learn, I'd be the nice teacher, but if their behavior demanded it, I'd be "the mean one" - and often I could morph from one to the other within a single class period. I'd choose my approach based on my observations and previous knowledge regarding my students, their abilities, their intentions, etc. Unfortunately, we DK'ers in many cases have to respond "cold" - if we choose to respond at all. As several others have pointed out, our responses are to printed questions (not "fleshed-out" people). That kind of communication can be stilted and artificial - and may come off as terse.

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Permalink Reply by Shannon and Finn on May 3, 2012 at 1:16pm

I liken this to yelling at someone who doesn't speak your language. It doesn't make it any easier for them to understand you and everyone just gets annoyed and gives up but nevertheless we all probably want to do it at times. There is a need for some finesse and trying to find a way to speak the same language with the person asking for advice. With almost 10,000 members this is a real challenge though. I haven't seen any recent posts that would make me want to yell, although if someone says they are leaving their dog in a hot car or putting them to sleep because they can't handle it I just might have to take 10 deep breaths and a shot before I respond! But those are definitely ways to push my buttons. I also don't think you have to only say nice things (what's the point in a discussion?), you just have to phrase your opinion in the way that someone can hear and understand. And "frosting on a turd" is being added to my vocabulary!

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Permalink Reply by Jane, Rooney & Stuart on May 3, 2012 at 1:32pm

Shannon - this gave me a laugh - a reminder of the time when I was in China and went to a large department store trying to purchase a dehumidifier - no I do not speak Chinese. The salesperson just got louder and louder, then there were 2, 3, 4, 6 13 sales people all yelling at me in Chinese - now a crowd of other shoppers had gathered around watching. Not funny at the time. The problem with some of the people who post those "hot button" topics - they ALREADY know what they want to do and some of us older/wiser DKers can see right through them - so we get "hot" before we are even done reading it. Many times people are looking to dump a doodle and just want us to tell them it is o.k. - NOT. Sorry that a year ago you didn't realize that getting a puppy and then having a new born baby would be hard. Sorry that you "just discovered" your 3rd cousin two times removed might visit and has an allergy, and what about this one - we hate to give him up and want to re-home him but of course there will be fees. REALLY? I'm all about kindness but in many of these cases - they have asked for it. MHO