HELP Doodle Friends I need your help over a STINKY situation.....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Ok my dear doodle friends I need some HELP.  Its not related to Hunter or our doodles but my friend that is the sheltie breeder.  To sum it up her house and family SMELL beyond belief.  Sorry this will be somewhat long but I need opinions, advise, words, anything and everything.  Here it is.............

 

One of my very best friends of 20 years breeds and shows shelties, I would imagine including 2 liters of puppies she has 25 shelties....  She also had 3 dauchsunds (however you spell that) a brussels griffon.  Her house has always smelled, how could it not?  She had a huge legal battle with her neighbors because of her dogs barking and the health department and zoning people were at their house several times.  She was making an effort to keep it clean but still with that many dogs it to me seems like a lost cause.  She has the majority of them in her house or attached garage.  She had some water damager to her house and the majority was redone all the way down to the drywall, took out all the carpet and has all hardwood and tile now.  It seemed to help some at first (about 3 months it lasted).    She has 3 kids 2 daughters that are 8 and 11 and a son that is in the Army.

To get closer to my point on Thurs of Fri I forget which she texts me in a panic asks me if I think her kids skink like animals.  As I am thinking YES I am texting NO why what’s wrong?  The guidance counselor called her and said the kid in the locker next to 8 year old daughter had been complaining because her locker and book bag stunk.   I defend her blah blah blah because I don’t want to be mean.  Then yesterday I went over to her house to pick her up because there was a grooming table on Craigslist that was a great deal for Hunter and I wanted her to go with me to make sure it was ok.  I go in her house and it stinks worse than it has since that had all of that remodeling work done. I mean bad like you want to hold your breath.  So she brings out the backpack and shows it to me, it really doesn’t look dirtier than any normal back pack and then she tells me to smell it.  Ok the house smelled so bad I couldn’t tell the backpack from the house so I say “I can’t smell anything on it” as I am ready to gag.  Then she goes on to say how mad she is and she is going to take it up to the school and ask them what the issue is.   

 

Last night her 8 year old daughter was going to spend the night with Kelsey my daughter and my older daughter Ava was going to go to their house to spend the night with her 11 year old daughter, who has been Ava's best friend since they were babies.  Ava sends me a text and asks if she has to spend the night so of course I told her no I would pick her up whenever she wanted and she said it would be like 9P.  So about 7P I went to get pizza for us and Ava texts me and asks if I can come get her  so I do.  My friend said she was acting kind of off and tired and I assumed that was it because she spent most of the weekend with another friend at our house and was tired.  I pick her up and she said she couldn’t stand it in her house  it smelled so bad.  I get home and we were telling DH (without her younger daughter that was there hearing us of course) and Rick says to go in Kelsey’s room it was awful because she brought 2 blankets, her coat, and 2 pillow pets.  I opened her door and it about knocked you over.  Kelsey doesn’t even seem to notice – (she is generally oblivious so that didn't surprise me LOL).   I told them to go out and get the pizza from Rick and I snuck out her 2 blankets and coat and washed them but there wasn’t much I could do with the pillow pets. 

 

Rick claims I owe it to her to talk to her about it.  I feel terrible doing it but I don’t want her to make a fool of herself at the school and I don’t want her kids to stink!!  What would you do?  HOW do you tell someone something like? How do you word it?  I really need some specifics here - I  couldn't sleep last night trying to figure out what to do.

 

@ Joanne, Spud & Starlit I know you know who this is :-(  Makes it even harder.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I do think you owe it to her. I would explain that you were trying to be kind but you realize she wants the truth and that her house and the kids belongings do smell. Her kids will start being ostracized and that would be sad. That is just too many dogs and people in too small a space obviously and it is not good for the people or animals. It almost sounds like hoarding. This woman needs honesty and help.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

One of my biggest fears is that my house smells .... be it dogs or whatever (even broccoli).  I would honestly want you to tell me .... I'm always asking my Mom if my house smells like dogs!  She of course always tells me NO, but sometimes I do wonder.  I think that since this has become an issue at the school that as a friend you might want to say something to her before she goes to the school and gets further embarassed.  I'm not sure how with that many dogs in the house that she could think that it couldn't stink!  I'm sure with 25 dogs they aren't being bathed regularly.    It is now to the point where it is going to end up embarrassing her children (because their friends don't want to come over) so she really needs a wake up.

[Melissa & Porter]

What a hard situation. This is not fun for you but I agree with F. 

I know there are some people who think you should only support your friends, but I've always erred on the side of "if you're my friend, you will tell me about the spinach in my teeth." 

Of course, this is a much harder thing than "hey, that dress might be a little too low-cut," but it is also that much more important.  The kids are in jeopardy of having a crummy social life and your friend is considering taking on the school in what would likely be an embarrassing and real battle that could involve social workers and child protective services.

I think your friend will understand why you've lied up until now, and she will appreciate in the long run why you've decided to tell her the truth now. 

On a side note, please encourage her to buy hepa charcoal air filtration machines rather than things like scent plug-ins or air fresheners.  These add to the odor imo and contain phthlalates, which are NOT good for you.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1664954,00.html

They also aggravate my asthma so I am always hoping to convince people not to use them.

Also, like F. said, she needs to have less animals -period- if her home is not well enough ventilated and lifestyle does not allow for sufficient cleaning.

Sorry you are finding yourself in this position.

BTW, I've put pillow pets in the washer and dryer and they came out fine :-)

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Pillow pets are in the washer!!!!!

[Melissa & Porter]

Use the low heat setting on the dryer :-)

Mine had to go in because they were crusty with Porter saliva...

[Carol and Banjo]

Melissa....Very well put.  I can only add, Denise....I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.  I know you must be a very good friend and I think she'll know where this is coming from.   Sending you my best!  Carol

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

As hard as it may be, I think you should talk to her.  At some level she must "know" (how could she not). If she were single with no kids, it may be a different story, but clearly her decision to have so many dogs is affecting her kids and their well-being at school.  

 

As far as how you say it to her - I'd start by affirming the value of your friendship (both yours and the girls') and state that your comments are being given out of love - then I'd pretty much "lay it all out there".  It serves no purpose to soften or sugar-coat the facts.  She needs to hear the truth.

 

Of course, there is a possibility that talking with her may cost you your friendship.  Again, though, for the kids' sakes, I think you MUST try.

 

Good luck...

[Adina P]

It's not gonna feel nice, but I think you need to tell her.  She NEEDS to know.  I would want to know because you can't change what you can't detect on your own.  I have patients that stink to high heavens and I have to air out my office after their visits.  I WISH someone would talk to them kindly about it but it has nothing to do with the purpose of OUR visits and I am not close enough to them to discuss it.  It really affects how people perceive you if you smell bad.  It would be one thing if it was a one time thing or something that happened now and then, but it sounds like this is the status quo and it WILL affect her kids in school. 

 

I don't know the 'best' way except that you should probably be very neutral and matter of fact.  Don't dramatize the smell or blame her or even her dogs.  Just talk about it as a thing that exists and some of the potential causes and solutions.  See if you can pull the solutions from her and if not offer to give her some ideas.  She will have to go into major cleaning and upkeep mode, hire someone to help her, get her kids involved, OR...last resort really reduce the number of animals she has.  There's just no way to keep that many dogs/pets without being very meticulous about cleaning.  You might have to guide her into what this means.  Although I'm just taking a stab at things:

--washing bedding weekly

--cleaning floors daily

--getting her dogs bathed monthly at the MINIMUM, making sure their behinds don't have dingleberries

--keeping her backyard cleaned up (so dogs don't step in poo and track it back inside)

--vacuuming upholstered furniture regularly if dogs sit on the furniture.  Or using blankets to cover the furniture that dogs sit on and washing those weekly.  More often if they get visibly dirty.

--Puppy areas need to be cleaned probably several times a day and maybe she needs a new idea to do the potty training for pups that keeps things more manegeable.

--Washing the dog's toys and bowls regularly.

--Cleaning the inside of the crates every few weeks

--And as a one time thing I would even recommend cleaning her walls and repainting.  It can't hurt...there's probably stench covering her walls.

--Tell her about some of the steam hard floor cleaners we've talked about on here...they are quick and easy to use and clean up in a snap!

I'm sure based on what you've seen or suspect you can make a longer list and have it mostly memorized so you can go over the things it will take to keep that many dogs.

 

Do mention that it is a strong smell and very likely is carried on her kids belongings when they go to school. And be sure to squeeze in how much you care for her and how this won't affect how you feel about her as a friend.  But that you felt it was your obligation to let her know as her friend.

 

It really is amazing how the smell in a house (if strong enough) covers EVERYTHING in that house.  When I have been in one of my friend's houses I come back smelling just like her house. Natalie smells like her house, my clothes smell like her house. It's uncanny!  Of course it's a nice smell (maybe a Glade plug in? I have no idea!) but it covers everything.

 

Good luck!!! Let us know how it goes.

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

Denise, this is a very touchy situation at best, but you really are the one person who could help her and she is asking for help by already asking your opinion. "Very best friends" do this for eachother. It's not always about just the good stuff, sometimes it's about the uncomfortable stuff. Example: My best friend and I went thru our sons teens together, they were best buddies since they were 6 yrs old. To make a long story short, they attracted trouble like magnets and ended up in jail and rehabs and on and on..and since they stayed at either our house or hers,..our agreement to eachother to help us get through this trying time and remain friends was to only tell each other what the other absolutely needed to know about their son, and only if they could DO something about it and it regarded theirs or our safety or lives. Some things we had to say to eachother were painful to say and hear and somethings were easier because we knew we both came from a place of love and concern for our children and eachother. We depended on eachother to get us thru this time and we are still the closest of friends. (Sons are both fine grown men now BTW)

Moral of the story....your friend needs you to tell her for the safety and lives of herself, her children and her pets. This is something that social services can come to the home and take children and pets away for. This is now brought to the attention on the school... It will be persued and not in a "Friendly" way.  PLease go see her today...take her out somewhere that you can both talk and let her know you are sorry to have lied, but realize you were only trying to spare her feelings, but it has gone beyond that point.  Let her know that you are concerned for her and her children and that you come from a place of love for them all.  Then see if she wants to help herself, or even your help. At the very least, you will have done what "Very Best Friends" do for eachother. Good luck and I will be waiting to hear what you decide.

[Melissa & Porter]

Sue, I so hope my two close friends and I can figure this out as our oldest boys (8/9) approach adolescence.  It is always so tricky to navigate the shades of difference in parenting styles and values.

[Lynn D.]

I always found that with that age, being blunt is best. "You smell like playground! Go take a shower."

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Denise - what a wonderful friend you are to this lady!  And because you are her friend you need to go to her and tell her that you hadn't wanted to hurt her feelings so you had lied.  That you love her and her children and that yes, the smell is very bad.  Don't down play it or sugar coat it, she needs to know how serious the problem is.  Then offer to help her in anyway that you can.  On a side note - I don't see how the issue will go away for good as long as she has that many animals.  There is something "not right" about thinking it is o.k. to have that many animals in a house - she may need to get some help in that area.  I agree that is sounds like hoarding - the biggest concern should be for the well being of her children.