Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Andy, you would like to judge my parenting and bring it up on DK?  Bring it one because I am telling you I feel more passionately about my children becoming God loving, kind, contributing, members of society then I do about anything doodle related.  Does that make me an irresponsible dog owner?  I would say no but I am sure there is someone that will think that makes me an awful person.  

I will never defend myself for disciplining my daughter, and if humiliating her taught her to be empathetic then I did my job as a parent.  Since she is a very well adjusted, social, 4.0 honor roll student, last years 6th grade student council president and captain of her cheer squad not to mention active in her church youth group and spending her allowance on things to send to the little girl we sponsor in Cambodia then I am a really awful parent.   She learned valuable lessons from what was the result of HER action.  Maybe if more adults were humiliated and learned empathy and respect this wouldn't even be a discussion.  

If you have any more judgement to throw out there about my parenting and my daughter since you know us so well, feel free.  

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Oh but isn't this a personal attack, made in anger - where are the facts.  Where oh where is the empathy?

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Respect is also earned and if someone that does not know me wants to judge my children and parenting then all the empathy and kindness in the world go right out my window!  :-)

Jane, I would have to say you are an excellent example of someone who comments with an awesome degree of respect and kindness to the majority of situations.  It obvious you care about the people on DK and the doodles but you are not out to force your opinions by being rude to others right out of the gate.  When you feel strongly you express yourself but its always done in an authentic, passionate way not a mean-spirited, judgmental way.  

[AndySharon BoomerShaynaMariner]

Denise - You are the one that brought up your parenting on DK - here is the link in case you forgot.

http://www.doodlekisses.com/profiles/blogs/my-crazy-experience-bein...

This does show something about the way you think.

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I did Andy and I never defended what I did. If you read or listened to the interviews I said "it's not for every child and you have to know your child".

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Not everyone comes to a public forum for the same reasons.  Some come to interact, learn, share a common interest, make new friends, make those friends laugh, lurk, whatever and then there are those whose intentions might be taken as questionable.  These people never seem to get the reception that they desire, some might come for business purposes, some might be flamers, some that might be less than honest - the internet invites everyone.  The written word once published can never be taken back - it is out there for the world to see.  Google someone and see, people don't always like the written footprint that they leave.  So while I do not believe in attacking someone on a personal level, or name calling - I do believe in sticking up for what I feel is true and honest - even when unpopular.    

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The problem is, your opinion of what is critical or judgmental, and my opinion of what is critical or judgmental may be very different things.

Who here would presume to tell several thousand other adults "how" they should say something?

In fact, couldn't an argument be made that this discussion itself is critical and judgmental of the way other people express themselves? 

And unfairly attributes motives to others? To wit: "it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge." Really? To me, that seems judgmental and critical. To me, it just seems that people generally are responding to something that troubles them honestly and directly, without ulterior motives.

Obviously, we all see things differently.

DK is not a church, and the forum is not a confessional, and many of us really resent being asked to validate something that offends us morally. It's unfair for someone to lay a bag of dog poop at someone else's feet and then get mad when the person holds his nose. If someone is feeling guilty or ashamed about something, there's probably a good reason.

"How you say something" should also apply to the person who is asking for advice, or help, or absolution. The way you word the original post will greatly affect the kind of responses you get.

I'm sure there is someone who thinks this response is "mean-spirited". And to them, I say, quit being so judgmental. :)

 

 

 

 

 

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Well said Karen. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Ditto.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Well said Karen. 

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

I agree completely Karen!

[Donna K & Quincy]

I agree Karen, it's all in your point of view.