UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

She was my living tie to who I had been, and all the years in between. 

That's it, Karen. Who will know me again the way that dog did?  Who will love me again the same way? My life is different now.  How can we have the same experiences together? It takes you beyond your loss and to the many ways beyond your control that life moves on.  And when you're stuck in that, in can feel like a very dark place. It brings me back to Sheri's inspirational (to me) approach of "finding the new normal"  and embracing it.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Absolutely. 

[Adrienne]

Joanne you are such a wonderful friend in seeking ways to relieve your friend's heartache.  Everyone has offered such wonderful advice.  I wish that this discussion had been around when I lost my Max.  I found comfort in remembering all of the fun and goofy things that my dog used to do and I stopped re-playing the day that I lost him in my mind.  That day, as traumatic as it was, was not the way that I wanted to remember and honor Max.  It was one day out of 14.5 years and he was so much more than that.  I think about Max often and I have even called Dougie "Max" on occasion.  I marvel at how they are alike and how they are different.  I believe that, in time, your friend will heal and open her heart to a new adventure with her new pup.  A new puppy has a way of warming the heart and putting a smile on your face.  My prayers go out to her and I hope that she finds comfort knowing that you and the DK community are rooting for her.  Please keep us posted.

[Lynda Kamrath]

Oh yes, I definitely can relate.  I was looking at books I made of Hondo this morning and plan to take them with me to our family reunion next week because I want the members of my family to see the Shutterfly books and the Smilebox presentations.  But Hondo....he is always with me and always will be.  His death was not sudden, he had liver failure for several years and lots of treatments.  I still have his carved box with his ashes in my living room and a stone with his name and dates carved on it in my garden by the hammock where he loved to swing with me.

I guess my advice to Carly is that you get over it by moving on in your life.  I tend to like replacements and know that those replacements will be different, but you want them to be different.  You are not replacing the person or the pet, you are filling in the void that was left by them in your life.  When my daughter died (SIDS) I had another baby and really hoped it would be a very different child.  It was.  A very independent little boy instead of a cuddly little girl.  When Hondo died, I got another puppy the next week.  I said it was for my other doodle, but it was for both of us.  Groucho Too was so devastated by the loss of Hondo that he would not even look out the window.  He just sat on my feet all day.  Okay, time for both of us move on.  The new puppy, a smaller ALD, kept us all busy.  So, Carly, your new puppy is not your old dog, but you can move on in your life.  Enjoy life.  Bunker would not be happy to see you so sad.  He would be licking the puppy's face and saying "Nice to meet you", so remember that Bunker would have loved to play with the new little puppy and enjoy him for the both of you.  Your life is not over, you have just turned the page.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I am so sorry that you suffered the loss of your daughter but your attitude is great.

[Lynda Kamrath]

Thank you.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Linda, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  Sometimes people can't move on because they feel guilty about replacing that person or dog that meant so much to them.  If one could only feel, like you do, that it's a chance to love "in addition to" -- I guess that's where the healing begins.  

[Dee & Chloe]

It breaks my heart to see someone in  so much  pain but it warms my heart to see such kind, caring and compassionate people on DK who are willing to give a part of themselves and share their life experience to help someone in need. I found DK looking for information about doodles and I found so much more! Thank you everyone. You are the best!

[Maryann,Roo and Tigger]

My experience is that best friends, both human and canine come with time.  It is the time and the care that create the bond.  Hearts are infinitely expandable.  Please tell your friend that while she will always miss Bunker, she honors him best by bonding with another dog, who needs a friend.  The love you feel for each person, dog, horse or even house is always different that the previous or the next.  It just takes time, commitment, and patience. ( You know the old saying God give me patience, and I want it now!   It comes from truth.)

 

Tell her it is okay to laugh at the new puppy and cry for Bunker at the same time.  She is not doing either wrong, nor should she feel guilty.  Life is full of losses and yet we go on.  The puppy will help her heal if she works at it.  To end as I began, love comes with time and caring.