UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Jennifer and Jack]

I so agree Donna...I am sobbing....I have things to add but just can't now but you said it so well!

[a.k.a. Rodney]

I'm writing /wiping..never thought I could do 2 things at one time that demanded the same appendage to be used. You all are so eloquent & giving of yourselves...these DK'ers are the most unbelievable humans...I've never run into this type of enormous kindness & care & concern as a group before for someone..99% of whom have never met...INCREDIBLE!!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

You surely are. This has been an amazing week on DK.

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

I so agree, quite a site with amazing people.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Amen, Donna.

[Pat and Traveler]

Just the walking through it can seem such a bleak and endless journey.  Joanne, if your friend reads the comments here, she will find a truly rich source of help and compassion from DK-ers who have survived grief and loss.  I'm awed again by this community's ability to reach out and share with strangers who suffer.   

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

I have mentioned before on DK that I lost my first Labradoodle to cancer. In the morning we walked around the block and by 9 that night the vet called me to tell me she was terminal. I was stunned. Over the next month I was so miserable and I missed her so much. I decided I needed another doodle and for me that started my healing. It has been over five years now and I still look at her picture and think of her, but the pain is gone replaced with gratitude that she lntroduced me to thIs wonderful breed. I think your friend needs to give herself a break. Guilt is a useless emotion. It takes time but it will get better if the grief is singular to the loss of Bunker. If it is more complicated I would recommend finding someone to talk to in an attempt to identify if there is another loss being brought up by Bunkers death that need to be faced. I hope she Cana love the new puppy. I want to hug him. Best of luck to our friend and her new baby. Pleas give us follow ups, Joanne,

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

I hope Carly can find the the beauty in this new life that wants so much to bond with her too.  If she can open her heart just a crack, maybe she can start doing things with the new puppy now that will bring them closer together. She may not miss Bunker any less at first but maybe she'll find new comfort in VInnie. Losing a best friend or loved one, whether it's a dog or a person is overwhelming and I would not hesitate to find a therapist or grief counselor to help.  I'm sure I will go to pieces when something happens to Finn. I'm closer to him than any other dog I've ever had. In my life, I've found sometimes things are inexplicably connected and when Carly hugs that pup, what if Bunker feels it too?   When she throws that ball, what if Bunker is running right alongside Vinnie?  She may have gotten the puppy too soon but what if that pup is Bunker's way of helping her heal?    

[DJ & Chance]

My thoughts stem from personal experience.

When I lost my last dog, the period of mourning was prolonged.  Four years or so after her death, I finally knew where I could leave her ashes and move on.  Until then, they were in a box in my closet with her leash and favorite toy football.

Even when I got Chance, I didn't bond instantly.  When i looked at the puppies I got to select from playing, I felt somewhat indifferent about all of them.  After an hour, I suddenly found myself picking the pup up I would call Chance and taking him home with me.  It was not love at first sight, and I think it took a few weeks before I fully let that beautiful boy pup into my life.

I am not sure how your friend can move past her sadness--Nicky probably had the best advice.  But I know that the sadness can be profound and deep and, without help, may prevent your friend from fully bonding with the precious little pup that depends so much on her to help it grow into a life companion.  

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

I can remember when Lucy and Sophie turned 2 and were no longer puppies I was sad because they were growing up so quickly. The next thing I knew they were 3, then 4. It was almost a panic sort of feeling. If I'm only getting 15 years (or so) and they are already 4, whew, it was scary. Never one single time did it occur to me I would only get 5. I read many times about those who lost their doodle so soon and each and every time I said I don't even know how I could get through that. I always said there was something about L&S that was different, that I could feel them in my heart and the concept of loosing one of them too soon was more than I thought I could handle. The day we got Sophie's diagnosis I was completely floored. I had no idea that little potty accident overnight was going to end up being a terminal diagnosis! Over the next several months we were so busy trying to comfort her and treat her. When we lost her the grief was completely overwhelming. She was my girl. We spent so much time together doing Therapy Work. She was loved by so many people. The thing that I couldn't get past was, WHY? She was doing so many wonderful things for so many people. There were so many people that depended on her for comfort and joy. WHY? I cried more tears than I've ever cried over the loss of anyone or anything in my life. There was a huge question of what was next. The house was quiet even though Lucy was there. It was like we didn't even have a dog. There was no rough housing, no playing etc. When we went for a walk we didn't both have a dog. This became very evident when we were walking the beaches in FL. Mike always let me walk Lucy even though Lucy was basically his dog. We weren't whole. We talked about Sophie so much while we were in FL. When we met Lori and Elizabeth I'm not sure that was a conversation that didn't include Sophie. She was just a part of who we were. We knew that we would want another dog, but weren't sure of the when? Sophie was a happy girl. Her life was about joy and there was no way that she would want us to be sad forever. She would want us to be happy. She would want us to find a way to continue to keep all her nursing home and hospital patients and residents happy. She would want her joy to continue. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to not compare the dog to Sophie and expect her to be just like Sophie. Since we lost our Sophie there have been at least three people that I've encountered that lost their dogs suddenly. My heart aches for those people more than I think that my heart ached for Sophie. I got the time to spend with her and make the memories that will last forever ... those folks didn't! Their dogs were gone almost instantly. How to recover ... I'm not sure, but I know that the first step is just giving yourself permission. For us, the real recovery started with Honey. She needed us. She came into our lives to help us heel. She provided us with an opportunity to allow Sophie's memory to live on. Then came little AnnaBelle. We weren't prepared for a puppy. Our puppy was coming at the end of August. Were we making a mistake by getting her so soon. Nope, it was just meant to be. We were so busy with all the noise, commotion, and needs of two new dogs in our lives that we didn't have time to focus on our sadness. We were surrounded by so much joy! Did that mean that we no longer thought of Sophie ... absolutely not. Do we compare AnnaBelle to Sophie ... the first day we picked her up, I think we both thought she was Sophie. There were so many similarities between the two. However, now, AnnaBelle is no one other than AnnaBelle. There are those "oh Sophie used to do that" moments, but they are happy moments. It brings a smile to our face now to think about Sophie. I know that a couple years ago I read A Dogs Purpose. After we lost Sophie someone suggested that I read A Dogs Journey. I read it when we were in Florida and I can tell you that it helped me tremendously! Now, how does all this rambling help your friend, heck, I don't know. It is different for all of us. I would say just give yourself permission to love again! Bunker's life was about joy as well ... he wouldn't want you to be sad!  Though yourself into making Vinnie the best dog ever and make Bunker proud! 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Sheri, even though this grief has been yours and yours alone, a lot of us have made the journey with you. I've never met you or Sophie, but when you lost her it touched me. In fact, I looked at all the people and dogs I had come to care about on DK and thought, OMD I can't bear to to think about going through this with Finnegan, let alone any more of these wonderful dogs. I seriously thought about leaving DK. But then you and Mike opened your hearts to Honey.  And AnnaBelle came along :)  Honey has taken all of us on an amazing journey of regeneration and hope, which continued with Dane's great kindness and announcement.  So many people helping one beautiful girl -- so many people falling under her spell -- I like to think of that joy as Sophie's legacy. AnnaBelle looks like a wonderful little girl and she will write her own stories carrying on the joy Sophie started. But if Carly reads your story, maybe she will see how giving oneself permission to love again multiplies a thousandfold in the most unexpected ways.  I sure hope so.

I got divorced when my son was 13. Talk about finding a new normal.  We lost our older dog at the same time and I thought a puppy would maybe bring some happiness back into our lives.  We got a "bouncing" Beardie puppy we named Teddy. He certainly helped us hit the restart button. Teddy was with me when Ryan left for college and still standing there, blind and deaf, when Rye went on to med school. When Teddy crossed the rainbow bridge, it felt like a whole period of my life that I had cherished had come to a close.  Where to begin again?  It took me four years to be able to bring a new pup into my life.  I had a lot of guilt over how many hours Teddy had to spend alone in his later years because of my work.  But when I embraced Finnegan, a whole new chapter of my life began. I resolved to do the things with Finn that I didn't have the time to do with Teddy.  The two pups looked different as night and day but as Finn grew he took on an uncanny resemblance to Teddy.  He does many of the same things.  My son refers to him as the "new improved" Teddy and I keep reminding him that Finn is his own doggie self. Where Teddy was resistant to learning the most basic commands, Finn excels.  Where Teddy was most happy with his own people, Finn thinks the world is full of people to love. Where Teddy would run away in a NY minute if not on a leash, Finn stays close. But in his last years, Ted would walk by side with my hand on his head, guiding him as his eyesight and hearing fail.  Finn likes to do the same thing.  They pick the same spot on the hill to watch over the meadow. So maybe Teddy is looking down from somewhere, coaching FInn. But there's a saying we old riders have -- "throw your heart over the fence and the horse will follow."  I think it works in a lot of life's situations.              

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

"When Teddy crossed the rainbow bridge, it felt like a whole period of my life that I had cherished had come to a close."

Cheryl, you touched on something here that really speaks to the grief that I and many others have felt when they lose a dog. During the course of my first dog's lifetime, I married, bought my first home, had a child, sent that child off to preschool and then grade school, went back to work, lost my father and my grandparents, and had 13 years of life experiences and memories both good and bad. That dog was at my side through all of it. When she died, it was like a chapter of my life had ended. And in a way, it had. I was a single city girl in my 20s when she came into my life, and a married suburban wife and mom  fast approaching 40 when she left me. She was my living tie to who I had been, and all the years in between. Dealing with the death of a pet often includes dealing with our own aging and mortality.