UPDATE: Advice please :)

[Holly Paterniti]

Hello everyone :)

I was chatting with a friend of mine (here on doodle kisses) and I was telling her how my daughter is afraid of Bear. She is really afraid of most dogs unless the dog is smaller than her, which I am sure you can understand she is only 3 years old. But when Bear is gone getting groomed, she becomes upset because he is not at home, which makes me laugh :) They really do have a love/hate relationship.

But what I was wondering was..............does anyone have any suggestions for me, so that I could let Bear and Rylie (my daughter) become closer? I really appreciate all of your suggestions and advice.

A little more background:
We have had dogs previously (before Bear) and she was afraid of them.......they were more than 1/2 of Bear. To tell you the truth, I was like this when I was her age.

[Eva (Lilo and Rocky)]

I think this is one of those situations that will resolve itself over time with patience and positive encouragement. Many 3 year olds are afraid of something, be it the dark, monsters, specific animals or aunt Ruby. I don't know how old Bear is, but puppies often lick and jump, which can be frightening to a young child. I think if you acknowledge your daughter's fear, and tell her that it's quite normal, and that it's OK and don't pressure her into interactions with Bear, while commending her on being brave when she does interact positively with him, and maybe even give her small dog-related jobs, like feeding him a treat, she'll eventually come to see him as a non-threatening playmate and will most certainly end up loving him... all children go through their "stages", and this too, shall pass. Best of luck! Sounds like you're a wonderful Mom !!

[Barb, Murphy, Emmet, & Hudson]

Boy that's a hard one because she is only 3, my 7 year old neice was afraid of murphy because she has a dog at home that is under 10 pounds, so murphy looks huge to her at 50 pounds. I watched her over night a few weeks ago. I had her sit on the kitchen floor in my lap and she helped me brush murphy, he was so good pretty soon he was licking her and she was laughing THANK GOD:) I also let her give him some treats and now she says she isn't afraid anymore.

[Adina P]

I think the best way to bond with a dog is by doing things that require both dog and human to cooperate.
Training fits into that category well! And while a 3 y.o. isn't going to do full fledged training, perhaps she can "help" to a degree her abilities allow her with simple things:

- Brushing
- Giving treats for sitting
- Giving treats for holding a down
- Giving treats for holding a stay
- Giving treats for a recall
- Adding an extra leash for walks and having your daughter hold one of the leashes.
- anything that requires a little obedience practice (with things bear already does well) and that makes your daughter feel useful and that she helped.

[Adina P]

In addition to the other advice about what to do with Bear...consider taking your daughter aside (while Bear is crated) and doing some "training" with her :-)

Teach her WHAT to DO when Bear "attacks" or Bear is bugging her. The typical thing advised is to teach kids to "Be a Tree." Now if they get really good at BEING a Tree and committing to the game, then it gets in the way of them screaming and running and totally egging Bear on (which a little screaming girl WILL do accidentally).

To Be a Tree she has to plant her roots FIRMLY in the ground (adult meaning--STAND STILL and don't run!!!).

To Be a Tree she has to wrap her branches around her (adult meaning--don't flail your arms in the air to entice doggy).

To Be a Tree she has to look up at the sky (adult meaning--don't stare at the dog and make eye contact).

To Be a Tree she needs to hum/sing a song or recite a poem(adult meaning--instead of screaming they are occupied with singing something memorized so their mouths are busy making other less exciting noises to the dog).

I would plan to keep Bear crated for an hour or so and in that time teach her how to "Be A Tree" -- then set your daughter free (bear still crated) and practice little drills: Rylie...BE A TREE! and reward her for getting in position fast (but don't tell her she will get a reward...surprise her with something she likes). Then next random drill "What do you do when Bear attacks!?" And again reward her for doing it right at the spur of the moment. You might have to help remind her.

Next shout out..."What if Bear keeps attacking even while you are being a tree?" The answer is still for her to demonstrate Be a Tree. Do a few drills like this so she is "on her toes" and when Bear attacks you might need to help her out with a reminder and hopefully with hope of a reward from YOU and a chance to do something she is now good at (via the practice) AND the fact she is singing a song/poem you will recognize as "Mom help Bear is attacking" will help things quite a bit."

So do pick a song that you will recognize as "help bear is attacking." It won't end Bear's behavior, but it will keep it from escalating when Rylie doesn't participate by screaming and running and making it super fun for bear by getting HIM riled up more!

I have to add again that Rylie needs to participate in "helping" Bear learn something (that you've already taught him or he is getting better at).

ALSO...for NOW I would NOT allow Bear on the couch at all. Not until he's earned it by good, calm behavior. If he is NOT allowed on the couch he certainly can't bounce on Rylie on the couch.

You can also try leashing Bear and attaching the leash around your waist (looping one end through your belt) so that he can NOT do whatever he wants. He will then be tethered to you and within 4-6 feet at all times. Then Rylie can help teach bear to sit on command (which he may already know) from a far enough distance that she will feel safe.

[Maryann,Roo and Tigger]

Adina's advice is excellent. Also I will repeat my suggestion here to get a professional trainer that will come to your home. In addition I really think it will help to put Bear's crate in her room. Then she can bond with him while she is "napping" and when she wakes in the morning. He is confined and she will feel safe and she will be "safe" with him in her room.

[Holly Paterniti]

I really appreciate all of your advice and suggestions with Rylie and Bear. I know she truly LOVES him and he the same. Do you know how much it is to have a trainer to come to our house? The only reason why I ask is because when I went to Petsmart, it was $109 for a 6 week program. I know I can afford the $109, but any higher than $150 is too much for me right now........financially we are just not able to do. I would really like to have someone come in because then we are able to learn more and there is more one on one.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The Petsmart program would be better than nothing, but it won't come close to solving these particular problems the way an in-home trainer will. In-homing training is much more expensive, but it is an investment in the next 15 years of your's family's well-being and happiness together. If there is any possible way you can swing it, even one or two sessions will be worth it.
Adina's suggestions are excellent, and I cannot add anything to them, but I would like to address the fear issue itself. It is very important that your daughter be helped to overcome this, because children who display fear of dogs and are not taught to correctly channel that fear are the ones most likely to be bitten. Fear causes physiological changes in human chemistry, and dogs can literally smell it. Predatory animals will take advantage of that.
Think about your own similar fears as a child...what specifically were you afraid of/ how did you get over it? When your daughter is acting very frightened of Bear, ask her what she is afraid will happen. (Is she afraid he will bite her, knock her down, etc.) Let her express it herself. If she doesn't have any specific answer, is it possible that she is a little bit jealous of the attention you are showing Bear, and crying or acting fearful is her way of turning your attention back to her? It IS possible to reinforce fear by catering to it, i.e. giving her extra cuddling, etc., when she acts terrified. It would be better to reward her for positive interactions with Bear such as Adina suggested. Do not be afraid that you will cause a lasting trauma by utilizing these methods...you won't. You will be helping her to begin her lifelong love affair with dogs.

[Maryann,Roo and Tigger]

Hello its me again www.adpt.com go to this address and pick search trainers type in your zip code and voila! I know there is help near you - you just have to find it! I'll be quiet now and happy family to you

[Holly Paterniti]

Just an update:

I decided to start the clicker training with Bear (thanks Kendra!). I started tonight with Bear. I started with the command "sit" because I know he knows that command, so that I could introduce the clicker.

Also, I wanted to all of you that today we had Bear out when Rylie was on the couch. He did very good :) I was so proud of him. He actually got too close for his comfort, so she told him "NO" with her hand up and he left her alone :) I then told her how proud I was of her. So I think we are on our way with his training. At this point I am unable to financially do the professional training.

Thank you everyone :)

[Adina P]

yay...great news!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

That's terrific, Holly! Good for you, and good for Rylie & Bear! Keep it up, and those two will soon be madly in love!

[Tamara & Giada]

WOW, this is wonderful news!! It will only get better if you stick with the training, and what a wonderful opprotunity for your daughter to learn to be independent and assertive......wa to go:)