Another Poop Blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I had an epiphany last night.  It happened last night around 3 am, while I was waiting for Vern to go number two.  Now, first of all, before I start hearing that no one can believe I still get up in the middle of the night with a five-year-old dog, all I can say is if I wasn’t up at this hour, I would never have had my epiphany.  I also can’t help that Vern has trained his bowels to coincide with my REM sleep.  Telling him to hold it until morning, when I know he always produces healthy results, seems as mean as yelling at John when I am in a hurry at the mall that we don’t have time for bathroom breaks.  Well, here is my epiphany and I hope you won’t be disappointed that it isn’t anything as earth shattering as Sir Isaac Newton discovering the theory of gravity when an apple fell on his head. Personally, I think if Newton had a grandmother, who wore one of those gigantic Playtex bras, and he happened upon her at bedtime when she removed that bra, his theory was a no brainer.   Newton’s grandpa didn’t have to have an apple hit him over the head to know that what was held up by two straps and extra large cups must come down at some point. 

 

I will stop beating around the bush and just say that my epiphany last night, at 3 am, was I spend a large portion of my life waiting for the males in my life to go to the bathroom.  Vern’s frantic need to get outside in the middle of the night belies his slow approach, once we get there, to getting the deed done. I should also say time is irrelevant for Vern whenever the urge strikes him to go number two.  First, he stands right outside the door standing stock still until I open the door and jar his memory as to why we are both up at this hour and yell, “Vern, go potty.”  Next, he moves out into the yard and sniffs.  Sometimes the sniff is accompanied by a lift of his head upward as if waiting for the Gods to give the go ahead.  The longest part is finding the perfect spot and sometimes, he circles back and forth over the same spot in some secret ritual or OCD like anointment that after 50 crossovers the spot can now be used for his business.  It’s this part that frustrates me the most, because it seems like such a waste of time for an act that is going to produce something more suited for a Loo Museum than a Louvre Museum. 

 

It’s no different on our daily walks. Fudge is so quick and goes almost immediately, somehow sensing that the lighter she feels, the quicker she can react to every moving creature or object within 50 yards.  Vern, on the other hand, will drag me into the densest area of the woods, walk around a bit, sometimes squat and then stop to move on to another more inconvenient spot, and repeat the steps above. It’s like the male version of Braxton Hicks contractions and just when I think he is finally going to produce some results, he stands back up, does the dog equivalent of a shoulder shrug and all but barks out,  “ha-ha, false alarm again!”  By the time he goes, I feel like I used to when Hayley used to drag me into the retail store, Claire’s, and slowly examine every item in the store to find just the right thing to buy with her birthday money.  Just when I thought she had finally made her selection, she would put it down and start over. If I had to contribute another $20 to get her to pick faster, I was willing to throw it down at the checkout just to get us out of that store that day.  I still shiver when I walk by one of those stores in the mall.

 

If I could bribe Vern I gladly would as he seems determined to take his time producing another episode of a Vern show I like to call Howdy Doody, even though his show is nothing like the original.  It is almost like I have become a Life Coach for Vern and his bowels as I find myself encouraging, cajoling, pleading, yelling, and rewarding with praise when the deed is finally done.   And frankly, I didn’t ever sign up on any volunteer list for “bathroom coaches needed.”  I have better things to do than walk around saying….Vern, go potty….Vern, focus…..Vern, hurry up and go potty…Vern, stop circling and GO POTTY!!....no matter what time of day it happens to be.  My theory on anything related to someone else’s bathroom breaks is it should be quick, not inconvenience others, and not involve me in any way. 

 

It also might seem sexist to say, but I think men have long used the excuse of going number two as a means of escaping to a place where no one is going to bother them.  They know that no one is going to bother them in there, much like a skunk knows that he has the ability to keep predators away with an equally off putting smell. Either that, or they learn to train their bowels to act at the slightest sign that they may be needed to help.  When our kids were little and we had to go somewhere, one of us would be scrambling to pack a diaper bag and get the kids ready and one of us would be vacationing in the bathroom. Many times, just to let him know I wasn’t falling for the Guinness Book of Record’s longest bathroom break to date, I would knock on the door and say, “Everything is done. You can come out now.”  I don’t think there has been one time in the history of our marriage that at the precise time we have to leave to go somewhere, he doesn’t head towards the bathroom.  I could go to the grocery store, return with 20 bags of groceries, and somehow he has the ability to know to get in that bathroom two minutes before I pull my car into the driveway and not come out until the last bag has been brought in.  Seriously, I almost think it is a talent, but what contest he could enter, I do not know.  All I know is if there was a contest, the dramatic sounds of DunDunDun you sometimes hear in a movie when something bad is about to happen could be changed to DungDungDung right before the moment of truth.  Maybe if I felt like taking a closer look, I might find a small TV, headphones, and a mini-bar under our bathroom sink.

 

Epiphanies can really get you thinking and I have decided that there is more to the Adam and Eve story than has been reported in the Bible. I have concluded that Eve was probably hanging out in the garden, waiting for either Adam or their dog to finish up going potty before they went out to dinner, when the serpent sidled up beside her and said, “You should probably eat this apple. It looks like it is going to be awhile.” 

[Lori, Winnie, Bob and Indie]

So I've been on DK for a year now, and just now started reading your blog. I can't believe what I've been missing out on!! LOVE your sense of humor and your story telling gift. You are my kind of lady, Laurie!  I seriously think that all DH's must be part of some conspiracy theory on this subject. It's a standing joke in my family that whenever we get together for holiday meals, my DH always suddenly has to "go" as soon as it is announced that the meal is ready. The first time it happened, someone asked, "Where's Kevin?" and I answered, "He's in the toilet." Not thinking how it sounded, everyone burst out laughing at the thought of him being IN the toilet....So, every holiday meal we sit there, and wait... and wait....  Winnie, on the other hand, is a quick pooper. When she determines that she has to go, she twirls around several times, often letting a turd or 2 out in the process before she crouches down. We always laugh at her "flying turds."  :-)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Anna, Where have you been? I miss you on here!!! Glad I still make you laugh :)

Joani, Thank you!! I will let you know my tour dates :)

SoSa, Thanks!! Vern goes for those steeply sloped places, too. Drives me nuts. LOL

[Anna and Achilles]

As always Laurie you make me laugh!

[Joani, Skadi & Elli]

You are ONE very very funny lady...with that talent...Las Vegas....stand-up?  I for one would sit for hours listening to anecdotes about dogs!  Loved it Laurie...where and when can I purchase my ticket???? 

[SoSa]

OMG, HILARIOUS, AND SOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!!

Oh my goodness, you have described my life in the realm of puppy and husband pooping. I get so frustrated often times, waiting for Ace to poop. We go through the same type of "ritual" you described only for him to poop in the most ridiculous of places that has now been dubbed by my family as, "Dookie Hill". For whatever reason, Ace's favorite spot to poop is on the most steeply sloped part of our yard. He can barely keep his balance there as he squats and I can barely keep my balance trying to scoop the poop, before it rolls down to the bottom of the hill or before he steps in it trying to get back up the hill.

As for my husband, NEVER FAILS. Every time we are about to leave the house, he disappears to the bathroom. Seriously?!?!?! We've been home for hours and now, as we need to leave, he needs to drop a load?!?! Uggghhhhh!!!!

I cannot wait to get home and have my husband read this.

:-)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Elizabeth, Now you know why I stink at Trivia Crack....I am tired :) LOL Fudge is a lady, too. I like that about her. 

Donna, Poor Quincy. I recently stayed with a niece and her dog got up in the middle of the night. I was the only one who didn't ignore him :) Megan said there seems to be a pattern with me and dogs going out in the middle of the night. Thank you about Adam and Eve. 

[Elizabeth, Bailey & Bruin]

Oh Laurie...Now if I see you on FB at 3AM, I know what you are up too LOL.  As for Bailey she circles and paces.  And if the grass is wet its a no go.  She is a lady and doesn't like to get her tootie wet LOL.  As for Bruin, he's a typical boy...when nature calls he Iistens LOL

[Donna K & Quincy]

Who knew poop could be so entertaining. We rarely get awakened in the middle of the night for potty and we recently learned on those rare occasions that you do, you had better heed the call. One night while in a deep sleep I thought I heard the neighbors dog barking and I remember thinking it sounded really loud. The next morning we were greeted with a gift by the back door. This was from a dog who has never done a single thing inside the house since he was potty trained at 5 mos. The next morning DH confessed to hearing Quincy softly woofing and pacing around the room but chose to ignore it, for that sin he got to do the clean up and learned a valuable lesson. Poor doodle must have really had to go badly to go inside the house. 

On the subject of Adam and Eve I think you nailed it. :>)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Robin, Thankfully, Fudge is quick. Her only vice is she likes to wait until we are way past a trashcan, so I have to carry it :)

Ginny, Thanks! LOL....poor dog....poor you :) I bet you were glad to see her go. 

[Robin and Libby Louise]

It's not only boys - Libby has the same rituals as Vern.  After 8 years, I am still amazed at the number of poop circles and back and forth pacing that goes on so that she can go on that one particularly attractive blade of grass or patch of dirt.  Thankfully it is no longer in the middle of the night, so it is way more amusing than it would otherwise be.