Another Poop Blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I had an epiphany last night.  It happened last night around 3 am, while I was waiting for Vern to go number two.  Now, first of all, before I start hearing that no one can believe I still get up in the middle of the night with a five-year-old dog, all I can say is if I wasn’t up at this hour, I would never have had my epiphany.  I also can’t help that Vern has trained his bowels to coincide with my REM sleep.  Telling him to hold it until morning, when I know he always produces healthy results, seems as mean as yelling at John when I am in a hurry at the mall that we don’t have time for bathroom breaks.  Well, here is my epiphany and I hope you won’t be disappointed that it isn’t anything as earth shattering as Sir Isaac Newton discovering the theory of gravity when an apple fell on his head. Personally, I think if Newton had a grandmother, who wore one of those gigantic Playtex bras, and he happened upon her at bedtime when she removed that bra, his theory was a no brainer.   Newton’s grandpa didn’t have to have an apple hit him over the head to know that what was held up by two straps and extra large cups must come down at some point. 

 

I will stop beating around the bush and just say that my epiphany last night, at 3 am, was I spend a large portion of my life waiting for the males in my life to go to the bathroom.  Vern’s frantic need to get outside in the middle of the night belies his slow approach, once we get there, to getting the deed done. I should also say time is irrelevant for Vern whenever the urge strikes him to go number two.  First, he stands right outside the door standing stock still until I open the door and jar his memory as to why we are both up at this hour and yell, “Vern, go potty.”  Next, he moves out into the yard and sniffs.  Sometimes the sniff is accompanied by a lift of his head upward as if waiting for the Gods to give the go ahead.  The longest part is finding the perfect spot and sometimes, he circles back and forth over the same spot in some secret ritual or OCD like anointment that after 50 crossovers the spot can now be used for his business.  It’s this part that frustrates me the most, because it seems like such a waste of time for an act that is going to produce something more suited for a Loo Museum than a Louvre Museum. 

 

It’s no different on our daily walks. Fudge is so quick and goes almost immediately, somehow sensing that the lighter she feels, the quicker she can react to every moving creature or object within 50 yards.  Vern, on the other hand, will drag me into the densest area of the woods, walk around a bit, sometimes squat and then stop to move on to another more inconvenient spot, and repeat the steps above. It’s like the male version of Braxton Hicks contractions and just when I think he is finally going to produce some results, he stands back up, does the dog equivalent of a shoulder shrug and all but barks out,  “ha-ha, false alarm again!”  By the time he goes, I feel like I used to when Hayley used to drag me into the retail store, Claire’s, and slowly examine every item in the store to find just the right thing to buy with her birthday money.  Just when I thought she had finally made her selection, she would put it down and start over. If I had to contribute another $20 to get her to pick faster, I was willing to throw it down at the checkout just to get us out of that store that day.  I still shiver when I walk by one of those stores in the mall.

 

If I could bribe Vern I gladly would as he seems determined to take his time producing another episode of a Vern show I like to call Howdy Doody, even though his show is nothing like the original.  It is almost like I have become a Life Coach for Vern and his bowels as I find myself encouraging, cajoling, pleading, yelling, and rewarding with praise when the deed is finally done.   And frankly, I didn’t ever sign up on any volunteer list for “bathroom coaches needed.”  I have better things to do than walk around saying….Vern, go potty….Vern, focus…..Vern, hurry up and go potty…Vern, stop circling and GO POTTY!!....no matter what time of day it happens to be.  My theory on anything related to someone else’s bathroom breaks is it should be quick, not inconvenience others, and not involve me in any way. 

 

It also might seem sexist to say, but I think men have long used the excuse of going number two as a means of escaping to a place where no one is going to bother them.  They know that no one is going to bother them in there, much like a skunk knows that he has the ability to keep predators away with an equally off putting smell. Either that, or they learn to train their bowels to act at the slightest sign that they may be needed to help.  When our kids were little and we had to go somewhere, one of us would be scrambling to pack a diaper bag and get the kids ready and one of us would be vacationing in the bathroom. Many times, just to let him know I wasn’t falling for the Guinness Book of Record’s longest bathroom break to date, I would knock on the door and say, “Everything is done. You can come out now.”  I don’t think there has been one time in the history of our marriage that at the precise time we have to leave to go somewhere, he doesn’t head towards the bathroom.  I could go to the grocery store, return with 20 bags of groceries, and somehow he has the ability to know to get in that bathroom two minutes before I pull my car into the driveway and not come out until the last bag has been brought in.  Seriously, I almost think it is a talent, but what contest he could enter, I do not know.  All I know is if there was a contest, the dramatic sounds of DunDunDun you sometimes hear in a movie when something bad is about to happen could be changed to DungDungDung right before the moment of truth.  Maybe if I felt like taking a closer look, I might find a small TV, headphones, and a mini-bar under our bathroom sink.

 

Epiphanies can really get you thinking and I have decided that there is more to the Adam and Eve story than has been reported in the Bible. I have concluded that Eve was probably hanging out in the garden, waiting for either Adam or their dog to finish up going potty before they went out to dinner, when the serpent sidled up beside her and said, “You should probably eat this apple. It looks like it is going to be awhile.” 

[Ginny Nightingale]

Funny, funny, funny!! Really enjoyed this Laurie!

I just dog sat for a female dog for 36 hours--I took her out after she had been here five hours and she did nothing--I thought this was weird and was not looking forward to taking her out again as it was 20 degrees out and windy. But I did two hours later and again two hours after that and again two hours after that--she would trot around and sniff the air but no pee or poop...by now, she had been at my house for 13 hours and I had said "go potty" one hundred times and I was losing my patience...when, at 11 pm, she finally squatted, I yelled out "YES" which scared the hell out of her and made her jump up...oy.

She did finally go a few hours later and then again at 2 pm the following day--what the??? I must have walked her 12 times to get those two pees and one poop--was so glad to see her go home!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, DJ. I am running out of things to say about poop :) LOL

Lonnie, Thank you! Somehow, I never have problems going back to sleep. Sometimes, I read on my Kindle or play a game and then fall back asleep. LOL 

[DJ & Chance]

ROFL at the last sentence. LOL, I am sure that's the way it happened.  Your poop blogs are the best.

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

First of all, may I say you are "one good Doodle Mom".  I could never get up with Libby in the middle of the night. Once I wake up it's over for sleeping!  It's bad enough when my DH wakes me up with his bathroom calls!  Do not know how you do it!  Second, OMGosh you nailed it with John in the bathroom.  It is definitely a "man's thing to stay in there as long as they can"!   Laurie I am still laughing over your next to the last paragraph, because every word is true!  Love this blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Karen. I have never heard any of those theories....here I thought I had an original thought :) LOL Actually, sometimes I start writing a blog and before I can finish (it takes me awhile) I will hear something similar on TV and think.."well, there goes that blog." People are always stealing my ideas. LOL

Jane, Who knows....Vern is a circler :) LOL about Guinness. I know...I hate hearing my mom talk about her bowels, yet I have no problem examining my dog's poops, picking it up, talking about it, and carrying it on a walk. LOL I can just hear Dave and you. I think you should paint the poop and see who can identify it first :)

F, I think we both know Vern has me trained :) Maybe he is a genius after all :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cyndi, You have it worse than me with three dogs :) They are all so different, but I guess life would be pretty boring if everyone was the same. 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Janie, LOL...Fudge is a back kicker, too. Today, she kicked for about 10 minutes and cracked us both up. 

Bonnie, Thank you!! You are a good audience :)

Camilla, Thank you! Glad you agree :)

Christine, LOL..John hates my epiphanies :)

Nancy, Hmmm...now, I am wondering if John is reclining in the tub. LOL I know what you mean about distractions. Vern takes forever and if he hears the slightest noise as he is about to go, he stops. Drives me crazy. Vern seems to be able to hold it all day. LOL

Cheryl, I am convinced that Finn is just about perfect :) 

BG, Gavin now sounds like Fudge :) She could sleep all day. Yes, Vern is different....sometimes I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I don't want to get up because I know I will have to take Vern out. Gavin is such a great dog!!

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

I think it's the boys too! Jack circles and circles and checks to make sure I'm nearby before he goes and I swear he looks right in my eyes. Jilly heads out in leaps and bounds and before you can focus on where she went, she's kicking up the grass and she's done! It's been this way since day one!

[Bonnie and Kona]

This has got to be the funniest blog you have ever written. Wait... I think I say that every time. But honestly, this is a screamer and thigh thumper!!! You have written our experiences in technicolor! (I'm lucky with the dogs. Owen doesn't give a hoot where he poops or who is watching. Kona wants his privacy.)

[Camilla and Darwin]

Ha ha, another great blog! Darwin does his business during the daytime, but he does engage in some leisurely circling and fake squatting. I'm pretty sure your theory about men is correct... DH definitely falls into that category.