Another Poop Blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I had an epiphany last night.  It happened last night around 3 am, while I was waiting for Vern to go number two.  Now, first of all, before I start hearing that no one can believe I still get up in the middle of the night with a five-year-old dog, all I can say is if I wasn’t up at this hour, I would never have had my epiphany.  I also can’t help that Vern has trained his bowels to coincide with my REM sleep.  Telling him to hold it until morning, when I know he always produces healthy results, seems as mean as yelling at John when I am in a hurry at the mall that we don’t have time for bathroom breaks.  Well, here is my epiphany and I hope you won’t be disappointed that it isn’t anything as earth shattering as Sir Isaac Newton discovering the theory of gravity when an apple fell on his head. Personally, I think if Newton had a grandmother, who wore one of those gigantic Playtex bras, and he happened upon her at bedtime when she removed that bra, his theory was a no brainer.   Newton’s grandpa didn’t have to have an apple hit him over the head to know that what was held up by two straps and extra large cups must come down at some point. 

 

I will stop beating around the bush and just say that my epiphany last night, at 3 am, was I spend a large portion of my life waiting for the males in my life to go to the bathroom.  Vern’s frantic need to get outside in the middle of the night belies his slow approach, once we get there, to getting the deed done. I should also say time is irrelevant for Vern whenever the urge strikes him to go number two.  First, he stands right outside the door standing stock still until I open the door and jar his memory as to why we are both up at this hour and yell, “Vern, go potty.”  Next, he moves out into the yard and sniffs.  Sometimes the sniff is accompanied by a lift of his head upward as if waiting for the Gods to give the go ahead.  The longest part is finding the perfect spot and sometimes, he circles back and forth over the same spot in some secret ritual or OCD like anointment that after 50 crossovers the spot can now be used for his business.  It’s this part that frustrates me the most, because it seems like such a waste of time for an act that is going to produce something more suited for a Loo Museum than a Louvre Museum. 

 

It’s no different on our daily walks. Fudge is so quick and goes almost immediately, somehow sensing that the lighter she feels, the quicker she can react to every moving creature or object within 50 yards.  Vern, on the other hand, will drag me into the densest area of the woods, walk around a bit, sometimes squat and then stop to move on to another more inconvenient spot, and repeat the steps above. It’s like the male version of Braxton Hicks contractions and just when I think he is finally going to produce some results, he stands back up, does the dog equivalent of a shoulder shrug and all but barks out,  “ha-ha, false alarm again!”  By the time he goes, I feel like I used to when Hayley used to drag me into the retail store, Claire’s, and slowly examine every item in the store to find just the right thing to buy with her birthday money.  Just when I thought she had finally made her selection, she would put it down and start over. If I had to contribute another $20 to get her to pick faster, I was willing to throw it down at the checkout just to get us out of that store that day.  I still shiver when I walk by one of those stores in the mall.

 

If I could bribe Vern I gladly would as he seems determined to take his time producing another episode of a Vern show I like to call Howdy Doody, even though his show is nothing like the original.  It is almost like I have become a Life Coach for Vern and his bowels as I find myself encouraging, cajoling, pleading, yelling, and rewarding with praise when the deed is finally done.   And frankly, I didn’t ever sign up on any volunteer list for “bathroom coaches needed.”  I have better things to do than walk around saying….Vern, go potty….Vern, focus…..Vern, hurry up and go potty…Vern, stop circling and GO POTTY!!....no matter what time of day it happens to be.  My theory on anything related to someone else’s bathroom breaks is it should be quick, not inconvenience others, and not involve me in any way. 

 

It also might seem sexist to say, but I think men have long used the excuse of going number two as a means of escaping to a place where no one is going to bother them.  They know that no one is going to bother them in there, much like a skunk knows that he has the ability to keep predators away with an equally off putting smell. Either that, or they learn to train their bowels to act at the slightest sign that they may be needed to help.  When our kids were little and we had to go somewhere, one of us would be scrambling to pack a diaper bag and get the kids ready and one of us would be vacationing in the bathroom. Many times, just to let him know I wasn’t falling for the Guinness Book of Record’s longest bathroom break to date, I would knock on the door and say, “Everything is done. You can come out now.”  I don’t think there has been one time in the history of our marriage that at the precise time we have to leave to go somewhere, he doesn’t head towards the bathroom.  I could go to the grocery store, return with 20 bags of groceries, and somehow he has the ability to know to get in that bathroom two minutes before I pull my car into the driveway and not come out until the last bag has been brought in.  Seriously, I almost think it is a talent, but what contest he could enter, I do not know.  All I know is if there was a contest, the dramatic sounds of DunDunDun you sometimes hear in a movie when something bad is about to happen could be changed to DungDungDung right before the moment of truth.  Maybe if I felt like taking a closer look, I might find a small TV, headphones, and a mini-bar under our bathroom sink.

 

Epiphanies can really get you thinking and I have decided that there is more to the Adam and Eve story than has been reported in the Bible. I have concluded that Eve was probably hanging out in the garden, waiting for either Adam or their dog to finish up going potty before they went out to dinner, when the serpent sidled up beside her and said, “You should probably eat this apple. It looks like it is going to be awhile.” 

[Christine & Shelby]

Laurie... Your epiphany cracks me up! Oh what a day in your household must be like :)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Oh, I forgot to add.  Skip accidentally told me the secret happenings in the bathroom.  When he was a kid, it was the only place he could find some uninterrupted privacy in his tiny house was in the bathroom.  He took a pillow and a book and reclined in the tub (dry and empty) and read! AHA!  Secret revealed.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Where do you come up with this stuff???  I LOVE it. What an epiphany about males! Why did I never realize this dh syndrome?  As for Ned, he wants privacy without interruptions or distractions.  When we go camping,  and I walk Gordie and Clancy, they pretty much go.  Ned - no way for potty or poop. He takes foooorrrrreeeeevvvveeeerrrr - and sometimes not even then.  If he finally decides to go and there is the slightest distraction, he starts looking for the right spot all over again and often can't find it.  I have given up worrying about him skipping a potty break.  Luckily for both of us he has big dog holding power - well big dogs not like Vern.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Finn sides with Gavin.  If I get up in the middle of the night, he just stretches out and takes more of the bed.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Gavin sounds like Luca, who likes to sleep in.

[BG and Gavin]

Ok now this for sure is where Vern and Gavin depart. If I wake up in the middle of the night Gavin does the equivalent of putting his paw over his eyes to shield from the bathroom light. Never mind on the days when my alarm goes off at 6:15 when Gav will sigh loudly and stick his head under the bed only to leisurely awake from his slumber somewhere after 9am. if we did not get up he would contently stay in bed til after 10!

[Cyndi, The Boys & Callie]

I feel your pain.  Tank will not go #2 unless we walk in the direction he wants to go, there is absolute silence and after numerous sniffs it is deemed acceptable.  He wants nothing to do with poop and has been known to squat over the edge of an incline so the poop will roll down hill away from him.  For Sully, there can be no one around, anywhere. He must have privacy.   Beau could care less where he goes or who sees him.  When a guy's gotta go, a guy's gotta go. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie! Love this blog, and can relate to all of it, especially your theories about why men need so much more time to move their bowels than women do. And you and I are not the only people to have noticed this. Theories abound; one of the most popular (Michael Moore actually wrote about this) is that men consume more red meat and less fiber and water than women do. Another is that women are much more accustomed to sitting down when they go potty so they are more comfortable in that situation, lol. But the most popular theory agrees with yours: they are in there hiding from us and taking themselves a little vacation from every day life & work.

A couple of enlightening links: 
http://numbertwoguide.com/askntg/why-do-men-poop-longer-than-women (G-rated)

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1xpyok/why_does_it_take_men... (R rated)

I do have to say in JD's defense that he never, ever wakes me up to go potty, and that he finds a suitable spot much more quickly and easily than his predecessor, who was female. But every man I've ever shared living quarters with had the same pooping habits as Vern & John. :) 

 

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

"Vacationing in the bathroom"....love it!  What IS IT with all that circling....with Guinness it's pacing, then circling, then a "fake out squat", then a little more pacing....then he decides to wait till next time.  That drives me crazy because then I can't get it off my mind that he didn't go.  It's so much relief when he goes and then I know I can relax and think of something else at least for a few hours.  And then because of the suspected IBD Murph's poop is probably the major topic of conversation with DH...."did he go?"...."how much"...."was it firm"...did he see any other dogs".  If it wasn't for dog poop I wonder what I would do or talk about.  There would be so many extra hours in a day.  I'm taking an art class and we had an assignment to paint what we daydream about.....I wasn't sure that a painting of dog poop would be appropriate so I'm trying to force myself to daydream about something else.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Dung dung dung :) I love your epiphanies but I think you could train Vern and your brain to have them in daylight. Luca not only takes forever, goes in inconvenient places--having me scrabble over snow banks--, but he also loves to save a little to go farther along on a walk. Gotta love'm.