Calgon, Take Me Away!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

If you are old enough to remember the Calgon commercial from the 70’s, then I guess you are old enough.  No matter what was happening in your life, according to that commercial, one bath in Calgon would make all your problems go away and transport you to a calmer place.  I would like to say my mom kept a lot of Calgon on hand, but by that time, she can’t blame needing a soothing bath on me.  I was married in 1978 and John prefers showers, so it is obvious nobody that lives with me needs any help from Calgon. 

I love a hot bubble bath on a cold day and growing up, we did not have a shower.  Looking back, I can’t imagine my dad taking a bath, but he must have because I never noticed that he smelled.  My mom thought showers made too much of a mess and I don’t even remember if we had a shower head.  We just all took baths.  My favorite thing to do was let my middle sister go in and adjust the water to the perfect temperature and wait until she walked out of the room to turn the hot water off as the tub filled up.  You could hear her screams from a mile away, but it was also imperative to be almost a mile away so she couldn’t get a hold of you when she found out her bath was not as warm as she wanted.  She had some anger issues brought on by a younger sister who had instigating issues of her own.  Plus I highly doubt if I had yelled, “Let Calgon take you away,” that it would have helped.

 

As I get older, I am trying to let some things go.  So far, I have had no problem letting go of meal planning and cleaning, but lots of things still bother me.  I could write a book on the things people do that irritate me and it would probably have more pages than War and Peace.  It can’t be fun to drive in a car with me because I talk the whole time about this stupid driver and that stupid driver.  I am constantly saying I wish I could interview that person and find out what was going through their mind when they decided to pull out in front of me, so they could drive as slowly as possible in the lead position.  Don’t get me started on movie theater people who walk in and sit directly in front of someone when the entire theater is empty.  I just want to scream, “WHY?” I am a space hoarder. I don’t want people encroaching on my area when they are talking to me, parking next to me, sitting next to me, or standing too closely behind me in some store line.  My husband’s favorite thing to say to me when I get riled up is, “relax,” and I swear one of these days I am going to hand him his voice box and say, “thank you for that advice. I feel better now.”  I really wish I were the kind of person who could just get in a tub of Calgon and let her cares melt away. Each year, I vow to try and do better, but that vow only usually last until January 2 or until I get in line behind a “talker” at the grocery store.

 

Well, I woke up recently and said to myself, “Laurie, it is time you calmed down and tried to be more patient!”  At first, I said back, “get out of my way, you moron, my bladder is 56 years old and waits for no one,” but then I remembered my new motto was patience.  I did great up until around noon. John was off work, so I kept my mouth shut while I closed the drawers behind him, turned off the lights when he left a room, picked up his dirty laundry off the bedroom floor, and even managed to bite my words back when I went into the bathroom and saw he was kind enough to leave me one tiny square of toilet paper on the roll.  We decided to run a few errands and I had to hit TJ Maxx because I had a sun hat to return.  For some reason, I decided I needed a sun hat this year for the boat.  Unfortunately, I have the biggest head ever and even though I think it has to be big to house my large brain, other people have said it is filled with air to protect my tiny brain from bouncing around. Finding a hat to fit my head is not easy and I even had John measure my head to prove to him that I was not exaggerating.  I can still see the look on his face when he said, “I think I need a bigger tape measure!”  FYI: People with big heads don’t always like “big head” jokes. Oh, and doctors don't usually fall for, "I need to weigh more, to support my head."

Not quite this big, but almost!

Well, Hayley and I went looking for a hat for me and although I always said to my children when they picked up any hat to try on at the store, “I have two words for you, HEAD LICE,” I had no choice except to try on some at the store.  I tried to gauge Hayley’s reactions to my hat selections to aid me in my choice, but when you have a big head you don’t have a lot of choices.  I really wish that one day something marked, “one size fits all,” included me, too, but sadly most tags should probably read instead,  “One size fits all, except for Laurie!”  It came down to one straw hat and a lime green hat with a bow.  I ended up getting both, despite the fact that Hayley could not stop laughing when I put on the lime green hat, sent a picture on her phone to her sister, and said I looked like a doofus.

I think I might need sunscreen with this hat!

 

When I got home and showed the hats to John and asked him what he thought, he had much the same reaction as Hayley, but he did add he hoped we were going really fast on our boat when I had the green hat on because A) it would be too much of a blur to be noticed by other boaters or B) it might blow off.  Usually, I don’t care what my family thinks of my clothing selections, but I did notice that every time I looked in the mirror when I put my large green hat on, I couldn’t stop laughing, which seemed to me to be a sign that the hat should be returned.  It just didn’t make sense to have a large headed woman sitting on a boat with a lime green hat laughing like a hyena and increasing the odds of boating accidents because drivers turned to stare at all the ruckus.  Well, it is far too late to make a long story short, but John was kind enough to return the hat while I looked over the purses and he said later when the clerk asked if anything was wrong with it, he said, “look at it!” The laugh he gave me with that one line was worth all the trouble.  I guess a good laugh beats a bubble bath any day.

 

I am not even sure what all this has to do with Calgon, but I can pretty much tell you, there are just some things it is not strong enough to take me away from, like today, for instance, when Fudge came out of our bushes chewing on SNAKESKIN, and I don’t mean a fancy purse or high heeled pumps.

My daughter found me in a panic as she came out of the house to go to work and I begged her to take the day off and stay home with me.  She did put the leftover snakeskin in the trash with a shovel as I looked on, knowing if the snake came out of the woods to retrieve it, she was on her own. I tried to cling to her, but she pried herself free and jumped in her car and all she said as I hung onto her car and screamed, “DON’T LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE!” was, “mom, get off my car!”  Oh, and she did add for me to try and get Fudge to use some Listerine. My neighbor is going to hear from me today, too, because I was living quite happily in a state of denial because she said, and I quote. “You won’t get snakes, because you have dogs.” It is the same reason I fell for my in-laws telling me bats don’t come out after midnight and I felt perfectly safe in their house at 12:01 am right up until a bat came out.  I don’t care if I ask you if these pants make my butt look big and you can rest your lunch tray on my rear, just say no for all of our sakes. John was no better when I called him at work and asked him to come home for an emergency.   I told him what happened and he said he had meetings to go to and couldn’t leave. “I hope you don’t come home to find me swallowed whole by a snake,” I said.  Well, that got him laughing and he finally answered, “I honestly don’t think a snake can get his jaws around your head.” I just don’t think Calgon is going to work and take me away this time, but could it at least take away all the things that scare me and bug me, and that most definitely includes anything related to snakes and jokes at my expense about my bobble head.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL Laurie, I am so with you on the snakeskin! Just reading about Fudge having it in her mouth makes my flesh crawl! I would definitely have needed something stronger than Calgon to get over that one! Like maybe a tubful of champagne. I once called a neighbor to come remove a snakeskin from my flower bed.

BTW, I love the new bikini, and from what I see in the stores, orange is still very big for summer, so nix on Marnie's green sequins, lol. 

And who knew you were a child bride? I was also married in 1978, but I'm five years older than you, and I wasn't exactly a spinster, lol.  

[Bonnie and Kona]

Calgon has a big job at my house, and I employ it each evening (well, not Calgon per se but some bubble in a bath). Love the hat story. We have monumentally big heads in our family. It's a curse. As far as patience... when you want to develop it, God gives you lots of opportunities. Be careful of what you wish for. ;o)

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

Oh my husband HATES to be in the car with me; the language that spews forth from this preacher daughter’s mouth is so foul that the pope would keel over in a fit of apoplexy.  DH is currently suffering from a loud ringing in his ear but has yet to have the doctor check it out as it tends to muffle the offensive and shocking words rushing through my lips.  Truly, it is UNBELIEVABLE how these people pass their DL tests…..morons.

Oh, and according to your post above, orange is SO “last year”, sounds like this season’s hot color is green so go forth and create envy amongst your peers.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cheryl, When my in-laws had a bat in their house, I was screaming for them to call the police :)

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

F, I seriously do! Thank you Laurie and DJ for understanding :). I called the police one time when a bird flew out of the Christmas tree LOL. Turns out the chimney screen was broken.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Doris, I expected you to chime in about our drive :) LOL I hope the therapist is helping. I told you when you got in the car I was a Type A driver....I made that very clear :) Maybe I was a Sailor in a past life! That would explain things. LOL

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

In case there are some DKers out there that think Laurie must be exaggerating about her inpatientness behind the wheel, this is for them: SHE IS NOT! This Southern Belle was exposed to a whole new vocabulary on our drive to New Jersey to see F! I needed more than Calgon to help me get over that experience, and in fact, have been in therapy since my return!

Laurie, were you ever a Sailor at some point in your life??

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Sheri. What a nice story! A man who draws your bath is a keeper, in my opinion :)

DJ, I think it is still at TJ Maxx :) I could go get it for you. LOL

F, It has not yet been determined what kind of turtles are in that lake. Anne said they were Painted Turtles and because I like to be in a state of denial, I am inclined to believe her :) Plus, Fudge and Vern would never let anything happen to me and I know they would fight off any turtle that tried to get me.

Cheryl, LOL...I hate mice, too, and I am a big chicken if I see one. I had to call a neighbor when I found a dead one in the basement. Unfortunately, I live in the country and those darn critters like the country :) I support you in your call to an exterminator :)

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

Laurie -- I love the title of this blog.  As for the snake skin, not so much.  I used to work Protocol for the Air Force (Think Goldie Hawn) and would have some really long days spent on my feet and be so tired and exhausted.  I'd call DH as I was getting ready to head home and say "Calgon take me Away" and he'd get me a nice hot tub ready to stick my feet into when I got home!  That was like 25 years ago and still sometimes we still say that if it has been a long day!  This brought back lots of memories.  Great blog.

[DJ & Chance]

F, I'm with Cheryl on mice.  Where there is one, a thousand more lurk in the shadows (i.e., under the bed, in the closet, behind the stove) breeding at a remarkably prolific rate.