Calgon, Take Me Away!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

If you are old enough to remember the Calgon commercial from the 70’s, then I guess you are old enough.  No matter what was happening in your life, according to that commercial, one bath in Calgon would make all your problems go away and transport you to a calmer place.  I would like to say my mom kept a lot of Calgon on hand, but by that time, she can’t blame needing a soothing bath on me.  I was married in 1978 and John prefers showers, so it is obvious nobody that lives with me needs any help from Calgon. 

I love a hot bubble bath on a cold day and growing up, we did not have a shower.  Looking back, I can’t imagine my dad taking a bath, but he must have because I never noticed that he smelled.  My mom thought showers made too much of a mess and I don’t even remember if we had a shower head.  We just all took baths.  My favorite thing to do was let my middle sister go in and adjust the water to the perfect temperature and wait until she walked out of the room to turn the hot water off as the tub filled up.  You could hear her screams from a mile away, but it was also imperative to be almost a mile away so she couldn’t get a hold of you when she found out her bath was not as warm as she wanted.  She had some anger issues brought on by a younger sister who had instigating issues of her own.  Plus I highly doubt if I had yelled, “Let Calgon take you away,” that it would have helped.

 

As I get older, I am trying to let some things go.  So far, I have had no problem letting go of meal planning and cleaning, but lots of things still bother me.  I could write a book on the things people do that irritate me and it would probably have more pages than War and Peace.  It can’t be fun to drive in a car with me because I talk the whole time about this stupid driver and that stupid driver.  I am constantly saying I wish I could interview that person and find out what was going through their mind when they decided to pull out in front of me, so they could drive as slowly as possible in the lead position.  Don’t get me started on movie theater people who walk in and sit directly in front of someone when the entire theater is empty.  I just want to scream, “WHY?” I am a space hoarder. I don’t want people encroaching on my area when they are talking to me, parking next to me, sitting next to me, or standing too closely behind me in some store line.  My husband’s favorite thing to say to me when I get riled up is, “relax,” and I swear one of these days I am going to hand him his voice box and say, “thank you for that advice. I feel better now.”  I really wish I were the kind of person who could just get in a tub of Calgon and let her cares melt away. Each year, I vow to try and do better, but that vow only usually last until January 2 or until I get in line behind a “talker” at the grocery store.

 

Well, I woke up recently and said to myself, “Laurie, it is time you calmed down and tried to be more patient!”  At first, I said back, “get out of my way, you moron, my bladder is 56 years old and waits for no one,” but then I remembered my new motto was patience.  I did great up until around noon. John was off work, so I kept my mouth shut while I closed the drawers behind him, turned off the lights when he left a room, picked up his dirty laundry off the bedroom floor, and even managed to bite my words back when I went into the bathroom and saw he was kind enough to leave me one tiny square of toilet paper on the roll.  We decided to run a few errands and I had to hit TJ Maxx because I had a sun hat to return.  For some reason, I decided I needed a sun hat this year for the boat.  Unfortunately, I have the biggest head ever and even though I think it has to be big to house my large brain, other people have said it is filled with air to protect my tiny brain from bouncing around. Finding a hat to fit my head is not easy and I even had John measure my head to prove to him that I was not exaggerating.  I can still see the look on his face when he said, “I think I need a bigger tape measure!”  FYI: People with big heads don’t always like “big head” jokes. Oh, and doctors don't usually fall for, "I need to weigh more, to support my head."

Not quite this big, but almost!

Well, Hayley and I went looking for a hat for me and although I always said to my children when they picked up any hat to try on at the store, “I have two words for you, HEAD LICE,” I had no choice except to try on some at the store.  I tried to gauge Hayley’s reactions to my hat selections to aid me in my choice, but when you have a big head you don’t have a lot of choices.  I really wish that one day something marked, “one size fits all,” included me, too, but sadly most tags should probably read instead,  “One size fits all, except for Laurie!”  It came down to one straw hat and a lime green hat with a bow.  I ended up getting both, despite the fact that Hayley could not stop laughing when I put on the lime green hat, sent a picture on her phone to her sister, and said I looked like a doofus.

I think I might need sunscreen with this hat!

 

When I got home and showed the hats to John and asked him what he thought, he had much the same reaction as Hayley, but he did add he hoped we were going really fast on our boat when I had the green hat on because A) it would be too much of a blur to be noticed by other boaters or B) it might blow off.  Usually, I don’t care what my family thinks of my clothing selections, but I did notice that every time I looked in the mirror when I put my large green hat on, I couldn’t stop laughing, which seemed to me to be a sign that the hat should be returned.  It just didn’t make sense to have a large headed woman sitting on a boat with a lime green hat laughing like a hyena and increasing the odds of boating accidents because drivers turned to stare at all the ruckus.  Well, it is far too late to make a long story short, but John was kind enough to return the hat while I looked over the purses and he said later when the clerk asked if anything was wrong with it, he said, “look at it!” The laugh he gave me with that one line was worth all the trouble.  I guess a good laugh beats a bubble bath any day.

 

I am not even sure what all this has to do with Calgon, but I can pretty much tell you, there are just some things it is not strong enough to take me away from, like today, for instance, when Fudge came out of our bushes chewing on SNAKESKIN, and I don’t mean a fancy purse or high heeled pumps.

My daughter found me in a panic as she came out of the house to go to work and I begged her to take the day off and stay home with me.  She did put the leftover snakeskin in the trash with a shovel as I looked on, knowing if the snake came out of the woods to retrieve it, she was on her own. I tried to cling to her, but she pried herself free and jumped in her car and all she said as I hung onto her car and screamed, “DON’T LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE!” was, “mom, get off my car!”  Oh, and she did add for me to try and get Fudge to use some Listerine. My neighbor is going to hear from me today, too, because I was living quite happily in a state of denial because she said, and I quote. “You won’t get snakes, because you have dogs.” It is the same reason I fell for my in-laws telling me bats don’t come out after midnight and I felt perfectly safe in their house at 12:01 am right up until a bat came out.  I don’t care if I ask you if these pants make my butt look big and you can rest your lunch tray on my rear, just say no for all of our sakes. John was no better when I called him at work and asked him to come home for an emergency.   I told him what happened and he said he had meetings to go to and couldn’t leave. “I hope you don’t come home to find me swallowed whole by a snake,” I said.  Well, that got him laughing and he finally answered, “I honestly don’t think a snake can get his jaws around your head.” I just don’t think Calgon is going to work and take me away this time, but could it at least take away all the things that scare me and bug me, and that most definitely includes anything related to snakes and jokes at my expense about my bobble head.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Cheryl, you seriously call the exterminator for a mouse?

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Laurie, I think the only way you'll "calm down and be patient" is drugs and we would miss you :)  OMD I'm so with you on the snakeskin and I can't believe Haley and John did not understand!  Snakes and mice would not exist in the world if I had anything to say about it! I have been known to see a mouse in the house and sit on the counter until the exterminator arrives. He knows saying, I'll be there tomorrow is not an option LOL    

[F, Calla & Luca]

I think you are a very funny lady s you know but I am seriously beginning to wonder about your survival skill. You worry about a random snakeskin but you swim in a snapping turtle infested lake in your bikini. Doh!

[DJ & Chance]

LOL, got to have that hat, and I won't let Chance read this blog for fear he will rush off on a hunt for snake skins.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lonnie, I guess we need a "Big Headed" group on DK :) LOL I also know just what you mean about forgetting and the "old age" moments :) Thank you!

Traci, Thank you. You would be surprised at some of the comments I get when I wear my bikini :) LOL

Camilla, I hope Hayley deleted the picture :) I did order a new hat. We will see :)

Joanne, LOL...perfect! I KNEW you were going to say that about bird feeders. My big head is psychic. John is moving it far away :) I thought the same thing.

Jane, Thank you! Yes, I fear there is no hope for patience. I come from a long line of impatient women and I raised a very impatient daughter. It is in our genes. LOL

Donna, LOL...your Photoshop talents are beyond compare :) That guy and I would be quite the couple. LOL Thank you! I will let you know if I need you to weave me a hat. I just ordered another one :)

Gina, That is the kind of stuff that happens to me all the time. We now sit at the top row on the aisle, so no one can get behind us or I complain through the whole show :) LOL I could drive with you and we could bad mouth all the other drivers together :) It is nice to know someone else thinks like me.

Pat, My daughter, I hope, deleted that picture or I will have to pay her :) Thank you!

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Well sadly to say I know all about Calgon (that gives away my age) and the commercial they ran all the time on the television!  Laurie I am so with you on the meal planning (planning, what is that?), the cleaning and the big head.  When I was a teenager (very looooooong ago) there was a "fad" going on and all my friends were wearing all these gorgeous wigs.  NOT Lonnie, I went into several stores and not ONE could fit me with a wig!  Not kidding! So I guess we can both join the "big head" club.  I wake up many mornings laying bed and saying to myself things are going to change and by the time I am finished with my coffee, I have  forgot what I was going to change!  Another "old age" moment:)  Love the blog!  So much fun!

[Traci -Bexter & Maggie]

Wow, Laurie!  With a body like yours, who would even take time to look at your head?

[Camilla and Darwin]

I look strange in all hats, and sunglasses too. I feel your pain! I would love to see a photo of you in that hat. Eeeew about Fudge and the snakeskin! 

p.s. nice swimsuit... he he

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I'm on my war to TJ MAXX to get a pickle-colored hat.
Bird feeders attract mice, which bring snakes :)

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Laurie, another awesome and amazing blog....but you had me at "Well, I woke up recently and said to myself, “Laurie, it is time you calmed down and tried to be more patient!”.  That all sounds pretty good, but I'm a little worried that will get in the way of all these blogs...and also you would be pretty boring.