Dear Bambi and Friends, TAKE A HIKE!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I am going out this morning to buy supplies to board up my house.  I haven’t decided if I just need brown paper to cover the windows or if I need actual boards and large nails, but I do know I need to make it so two Doodles cannot look out of the foyer windows.  

Curtains could work, too, but would be far less dramatic. I also know I need plenty of Sharpies to write some scathing messages on the boards or paper: Keep out or else, Beware: Elmer Fudd Lives Here, The Buck Doesn’t Need to Stop Here, or Restraining Order in Place for All Deer.   Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t mind deer and I have always loved the movie Bambi, but Bambi lived in the forest and not in the cornfield next to my house.  

Those are the deer that are now on my most hated list.  Granted it is tough being a deer in Pennsylvania, especially during hunting season, and that is why I hoped they would wise up someday and move to a place where hunting is restricted.  I have a van and I would be more than happy to help with the relocation process. Heck, Fudge and Vern could even lend out some of their costumes, if disguises are warranted. 

Oops, maybe not a good idea:

Do Pennsylvania hunters hunt monkeys?

This one might work better:

I don’t hunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I am prepared to do just about anything for a good night’s sleep.

 

Here is my problem in a nutshell.  Hunting season is in full force and I think the deer are mad. 

During the day they have to stay out of sight or end up as venison stew.  Nighttime is the only time they have to come out and take care of business and I think the cornfield next to our house is the new meeting field for the survivors.  I don’t know if they are discussing the day’s events…services for our deerly departed friend, Buck, will be held tomorrow night at ten…Stag Party Friday Night…Deerly Beloved, We are gathered here today to join Rudolph and Vixen… did you see the recent episode of What Not to Wear? They said to stay away from orange and camouflage….the deer stands you see popping up in the woods are not for those kind of shots.  We have had a couple of young bucks trying to order Jim Beam shots at the window and it didn’t end well.....but they need to take their business elsewhere.  They are waking up Vern every single night and he, in turn, alerts us vocally to their comings and goings and if that doesn’t wake us up he gets Fudge up.  The two of them then like to perform a dance number we like to call the “Can-Can we get out of this house NOW?” on our hardwood floors. 

What ensues next is a lot of barking, a whole lot of mumbling, maybe some cursing, and glares from the spouse who has to get up at the spouse who pretends he is oblivious to all of the above.  I usually step outside with the dogs in the hopes that I can contain the barking to a minimum or at the very least, scare off the deer with my middle of the night Rod Stewart hairdo. 

Usually the deer get the message and head on down the road, but they must be lacking in memory skills, because they keep returning. Night after night!  Surely, they can see a pattern between nightly visits to the cornfield and frantic Doodle barking.  I know I would hate to be at a party and have to move the location somewhere else right in the middle of a good time because some agitated person filed a noise complaint.  Take a hint, deer, and take a hike.  I would be more than happy to name names of some hunters in our area who would love some late night visits from a group of disruptive, deer friends.  You can wake up their household instead of ours.  If the buck stops here again, it could get ugly.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Dear Vern's Mom,

Don't you understand that Vern is just trying to protect you from those big dogs that have antlers growing out of their heads?  They are very scary....I don't know why they don't just keep their antlers on the ground and chew them like normal dogs.  I'm only seen those crazy antler dogs a few times and I didn't like it.  We don't have any in our yard, but we do have dogs that walk by that I really, really don't like and I have to bark really loud too so they'll go away.  My Mom doesn't appreciate that I'm just taking care of my family.  When she can't watch me and make me lie down and be quiet she puts up this gate thing to keep me out of the foyer and away from the front door.  If I never see those other dogs, then I don't have to bark.  Maybe you would want to try it for Vern so he doesn't get in trouble.  Here's what it looks like.

It's a pretty small picture, but you get the idea.  Hope this helps.  Murphy Doodle XXOO

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

Ear plugs, or ear muffs! There you go. Try that.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, I don't have wolf urine, but I am going to have John walk around out there and pee all over the place :) LOL  I don't know what alerts Vern. We are actually going to try putting the sound machine in the foyer and see if that helps tonight.

Joanne, We were just talking about the fan today. We used to have one out there and thought about trying it again or a noise machine. GMTA! Vern's Pad....I can see it too...hopefully, I can lock it from the outside :) We did find one set of antlers one time in our driveway. LOL

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh deer, I feel awful that you're losing sleep Laurie. Does Vern hear them or smell them? Are there any repellants that you could use? I'm thinking wolf urine might work.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

In late January or February, I'd be real tempted to walk that corn field. Think of all the antlers that will be shed. You could make a fortune!

Do you think a fan will help Vern sleep ( and you )?   My sons will still use one at college to drown out the noises of other students who are ... well up at night.

Maybe, you could get him his own room and nice easy chair. Place a TV in there.  I have a visual.