Dear Pet Sitter, Please take Good Care of Fudge and Vern when I am Gone!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

We leave for our annual summer vacation soon and Fudge and Vern are not going with us. My sister in law has a beach house, and most of my husband’s family meets there once a year.  To call it a vacation, might be a slight reach, since about 20 people pile into one house, we still cook, do dishes, and laundry, and in the morning when you want to go for a walk, you have to maneuver through the bodies of sleeping nieces and nephews on the living room floor in order to get out the door. One wrong roll at the wrong time and someone could get injured. For some odd reason, my sister in law does not allow any dogs; despite the fact that I think a 90 pound dog and a 50 pound dog added to the hoards of people could only increase the fun.  I can see Vern now stepping directly on top of people, the women lamenting that they didn’t want to have more children anyways, the men cupping body parts and cursing, and the children crying and squealing that Vern is too big. Fudge would probably want someone to throw the ball for her, and in that house with all those people, it could be grounds for a lawsuit.  It is nothing personal against Fudge and Vern; she had the rule in place long before we got them.

Last year, when I had to leave the dogs for three days, I wrote a three page list of instructions for the poor kid watching them. My daughter’s dog was staying with us too at the time, and I asked her what her instructions were for the dog sitter and she said, “He needs to hug him, feed him, give him water, and take him out.”  When I showed her my list and she saw it began with 1) Vern sleeps with a night light, she said she should probably call for professional help. She added that the only thing holding her back was she just knew I would probably create an ugly scene, while I was being fitted for my special jacket, by  screaming over and over again, “Wait, I need my list, I forgot to add something!” as I was being carted away.

Well, it is that time of year again, and I have been working on this year’s list of instructions for the new pet sitter. I took into account last year’s list and the critique I received from my family and the fact that the pet sitter asked, “Fudge and Vern are dogs, right?” after he read all three pages.  I can’t help it, if I feel like no one understands my dogs the way I do, or that they will need extra TLC when we are gone. I have the feeding and care guidelines on another sheet, but I think I covered all the bases this time for the special instructions that only I know.  I am pretty sure no one can call any of these reasonable requests crazy.  

1)      Vern needs a night light at night or he gets scared of the monsters under the bed and the shadows on the wall.

2)      If Fudge puts her two front paws on the bed, it means she would like to be lifted the rest of the way up. Also, when she stands up on the bed and looks down at the floor, it means she wants you to lift her off of the bed.

3)      When Vern walks over to your side of the bed and stares at you, he either wants you to say, “Vernie, I love you this much,” while holding your arms out real wide, or he needs to go out and go potty.

4)      If you are in the bathroom and they barge in, yell, “Group Hug!” and throw your arms around both of them. They do not care if you are on the toilet or in a state of undress.

5)      Fudge will sit back and wait her turn for all things, so please don’t forget that she is waiting. Vern likes to get up close and personal, but Fudge likes to wait until Vern is out of the way until she eats, drinks, or comes in for a hug.

6)      When you take them out to go to the bathroom, the commands to use are “Go Potty” or “Drop it like it’s hot”.

7)      They are both afraid of hula hoops. Please don’t hula hoop while you are here.

8)      Fudge gets scared when you sneeze, so please don’t sneeze when you are here.

9)      Vern is afraid of lawn chairs. Please stand, if possible.

10)   Please take Fudge’s collar off when she and Vern go out to play. Vern likes to play, “Yank Fudge by the collar” and she does not like that game.

11)   Fudge will not drink out of a dirty water bowl, so whenever Vern drinks first, the water needs to be changed.

12)   They like when you rhyme to them…long story…but it started with a Limerick discussion. Vern, your turn and Fudge, please budge, are some of their favorites.

13)   If you insist on walking them in public without their training collars, please read and sign the attached waiver relinquishing us from all damages, injuries, and lawsuits.

14)   If you take them to the park, they both know sit and stay, but all bets are off if you park near a goose. (We found that out the hard way)

15)   Please keep your cell phone on day and night, in case I think of more “instructions”.

I showed the list to my husband to make sure none of these sounded too kooky and all he said was, “You forgot to tell her to burp them after they eat,” and I just looked at him and said, “That makes no sense.”  I just know I forgot something important…maybe we shouldn’t go…no, they will be ok….she has my cell phone number…why do we have to go on some stupid vacation?

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

I love your list, it looks fine to me LOL.  I am going out for a few hours on Sunday and have started a list for my daughter who is pet sitting Riley.  It already runs to two pages.  I have the webcam app so I can call up and take a look.  I'm going to the Derby so I think I will just drink lots of champagne and then I won't care about anything.  I suggest you hit the champagne as soon as you arrive too  lol ; )

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Elizabeth, You just made me remember another thing to add to the list, 16) Fudge is scared of raspberries on her tummy...no kidding...LOL! Vern doesn't care. Thank you!!

[Elizabeth & *Kosci*.]

I can hardly type as the tears of laughter roll down my face, I wish I had the talent you have to be able write it all down.. Don't Vern and fudge get raspberries blown on their tummies.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Dori, Awwww...thank you for the nice compliments. Sometimes, I think maybe I have too much free time...LOL!

[Dori & Rua]

Laurie...I can't remember if I replied already.  I know I was laughing so hard when I first read it that all I could think of was I had to send this to my DH, who actually commented on it to me the next day.  As usual, you have made me smile and laugh.  I just love your posts.  I really seriously think you should go back through your discussions and blogs and start copying them, title and all, into one file.  Eventually, you will have a book that I think you could sell!  You could call it "Monday with Laurie"????

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Sue! Good advice!!

[Sue, Murphy and Bella ()*o*()]

Laurie, You are just a delight and I always look forward to your posts. I do feel much better now as my instructions would only be: Keep the Skype camera on at all times so the doods and I can see and talk to each other anytime, day or night, Other than that, I'd be good to go as long as we were in constant contact with them.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Taylor, I think we need a video of that dog being burped.

Kaytlin, I see you get what I am saying...LOL!

Sandy, Thank you. Hattie is lucky to have you!

Thank you, Angie and Jennifer!

BG, You could hula hoop, but it would have to be in the garage or after Fudge and Vern fell asleep.

Deanna, You are lucky to have your DD nearby.

Donna, Thank you for the additional tip about the camera. I bet the sitter will love that one. I am glad you did not get in trouble :)

[Taylor & Huff]

I actually do know some one who burps their dog. A woodle. Irish wolf hound x poodle

[Kaytlin and Cooper]

DH and I went on holiday for 2 weeks last month - our work colleague and friend (we work at a pet food and supply store!) looked after the animals. I had 3 typed pages of info for 3 cats (all on different food) and Cooper, and had added many many lines in writing on the bottom as I remembered more things. He must have thought I was crazy, but I had to prep him for every possible event that MAY happen! That way, i  could enjoy my holiday knowing they would be just fine!